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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 14/02/2018 01:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilymossflower · 14/02/2018 01:09

I think he was disrespectful in not checking the car over when you requested that he do that before the journey.
And so I can understand why you then decided you wouldn't like him to take the car. It's a matter of principle, even if he though that it was silly and unnecessary to check the car over , as you own the car he should have done it anyway out of respect.

If it were me ide probably tell him again, if he checks it over and it's all safe he can take it. That's straightforward and simple, not unreasonable , not a reason for him to scream at you about

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 01:10

He didn't say it was unsafe. He said it wasn't really fit for it because you are stuck in the inside lane and can't accelerate past anything.

OP posts:
SeniorRita · 14/02/2018 01:10

What car is this, by the way? I'm assuming it's not a Matchbox?

My last car was 15 years old and had done 220k miles when I sent it to live on a farm, but until that date I still had it serviced regularly and drove it happily on motorways.
It was medium sized though, not small.

SeniorRita · 14/02/2018 01:11

It's fine to stay in the inside lane, probably safer.

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 01:15

I accept that I may be over cautious. I would still be hesitant if he was in a bigger newer car.

I do understand he has to start somewhere. Equally how could I forgive myself if he had an accident in my car?

We get 1000s of accidents reported each week. Thankfully not many are fatal/ catastrophic but it's still quite sobering and does make me risk averse. It's partly why I didn't drive sooner myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 01:18

It's a similar size to a Fiat Cinquecento.

Not as small as a Smart car, but pretty small.

OP posts:
DontMakeMeShushYou · 14/02/2018 01:19

I check the tyres, oil and top up washer fluid myself. I don't know anyone else who does more than that, or gets a car the age that mine is serviced.

You should continue to get your car regularly serviced or at least checked, even if it is older. That's what ensures that it remains roadworthy between MOTs, and might help it reach the correct speeds for motorway driving.

britbat23 · 14/02/2018 01:24

Lorries only do 56mph on the motorway so there is nothing unsafe about a car that can't do 70.

Your DS needs to be aware of what he won't be able to do in a small underpowered car. He should aim to stay in lane 1 (esp on an upward incline) and he should remember that he will not be able to keep pace with traffic in lane 3.

If he sees a big enough gap he'll be able to overtake lorries - with forward planning and a gear change.

Other than that he'll be limited to pootling behind lorries which will save him a fortune in petrol anyway.

PastaOfMuppets · 14/02/2018 01:28

So whose car is it, yours alone or shared? You have contradicted yourself. Does your DS know that despite paying for all the petrol he has no say in if he's allowed to drive it, and the conditions under which you will share it?

Sounds like you are projecting your anxieties onto him. That's really not a good thing to do, however understandable it is given he is your DC and also your line of work.

He sounds spoilt and petulant to have even refused your offer of train fare.

Your DP sounds unreasonable to have refused to check your car, but perhaps he is just sick of pandering to what he sees as unnecessary and OTT anxiety.

Your car sounds ridiculous but if it suits you and is solely yours that's your call. Your DS might want to withdraw from the deal of him paying all the petrol in return for occasional car use. Sounds like a poor deal to me and if he can't practice driving on a main road due to your anxiety/car weakness he can always buy his own car.

GnotherGnu · 14/02/2018 01:30

If at all possible, it would make sense to arrange a motorway lesson with DS's instructor: driving on a motorway is certainly a rather different skill to driving on local roads. Equally if you have concerns about the car's mechanics, it would be better to get these checked by a qualified garage rather than an amateur.

That said, I reckon the moment your son decided to scream down the phone at you was the moment he forfeited the right to use the car at all for at least a month.

Shadow666 · 14/02/2018 01:32

Does he have to take the motorway? Can't he take local roads instead? It will take a lot longer, but would be safer.

InTheB3d · 14/02/2018 01:34

Check tyre pressure, water, oil, Mobile phone, breakdown assistance, petrol and off he goes. He is never going to learn without trying. I believe some lorries are restricted to 50 or 60 mph so he can stay in the inside lane. You are trying to put your fears onto some one else ...

SweetMoon · 14/02/2018 01:37

YABU. He has passed his test and seems like he is confident do you are just putting your insecurities about driving into him.

You do realise that lots and lots of people pass their tests and then shock horror successfully drive on a motorway?

If the car isn't safe that's a different matter. But then it shouldn't be on the road at all.

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 01:37

The car belongs to me, as I explained I bought and paid for it. We share the use of it, but I use it more than DS, which is why he's only a named driver.

He is aware that I get priority over use of the car. If he wants to use it on specific days we usually agree in advance. I think DS does quite well out of the deal as the £20 he pays for petrol is his only contribution at home. It would cost him far more than £20 to have his own car. His friends who have theirs on lease plan (including insurance) are paying £350 a month. Plus petrol.

The car isn't ridiculous, it's a sensible first car when you live in an urban area. It's tiny size means I can park anywhere and the cost of insurance isn't exorbitant. I plan on getting a newer car in a couple of years when my insurance gets cheaper.

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 14/02/2018 01:41

How is he to learn if you don't let him?

I was driving in highways within the first week of getting my learner's permit (Australia), and am a confident, capable driver because of it. I know people who never drove on highways/in the city/wherever deemed "challenging" and it has done them no favours.

cantsleepclownwilleatme · 14/02/2018 01:48

You're getting a hard time here op. Ultimately it's your car, you can say yes or no as you please.
Your 19 yr old ds should not be yelling at you. You said he works full time? He is welcome to buy his own car then.
Your dp should have helped you out. As you said you've helped him out many a time. Even if he thought it was ridiculous it would have been the nice thing to do.
I would tell them both to get to fuck and stop treating you with disrespect.

DiscombobulatedWomble · 14/02/2018 01:51

Ok 70mph is the speed limit there's no requirement to drive at that speed, or "accelerate past things".. I drive a car which is less than 2 years old, and pootle along the motorway at 60-65, and did the same in my 20yo car before that so I really can't see where you're coming from there I'm afraid.

I do think your DP is a dick for refusing to check the car over, but unless he's a mechanic he's not going to be able to magically spot something which might go wrong with it.

I also think you're daft not to service the car, that's the point of servicing, it's even more important in older cars so as to try and catch things before they go wrong and leave you or DS stranded at the side of the road. Hmm

AngelL7 · 14/02/2018 01:52

I can totally understand where your coming from, I too would be reluctant to let DS drive on the motorway without doing it with an experienced driver ....but maybe I’m too anxious?

And yes I believe your DP could have been more supportive

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 14/02/2018 01:52

I got a used Fiat Cinquecento when I passed my test at 17; went on the motorway less than two weeks later and never had any issues.

YABVU, OP, and you are going to teach him to be a nervous and unconfident driver like you are, which is tantamount to being a bad driver. If you’re not confident on the roads you shouldn’t be driving.

You sharing the car and paying for most of it means you get priority. It does not mean being controlling and stopping him taking journeys you don’t agree with.

NoKnownFather · 14/02/2018 01:58

Not wanting to sound horrible, but I think YABU. DS is 19??? time to shed the apron strings.

Also might be time for a full service on the car, this needs to be done yearly to keep it in good running condition.

And, sorry but anxious drivers cause accidents....don't turn your son into yet another anxious driver. Maybe it's time he bought his own car, my kids bought theirs as soon as they passed their driving test because driving every day in all conditions makes you a better and more competent driver. We lived 40 mins (each way) from where they worked and no bus/train service available.

Sad
SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2018 01:58

Op i'm with you. You know the car and the motorway, its not unreasonable to suggest that he has a trial run. What happens if he gets on the motorway and freezes?
Also even if you WERE BU,that doesn't make it ok for him to scream down the phone at you. If that was your partner, e v everyone would be yelling LTB.

You've offered a compromise he quite frankly doesn't deserve. He takes it or leaves it

Kiwiinkits · 14/02/2018 01:59

You're babying a 19 year old. You have to let him go.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2018 02:03

You're babying a 19 year old. You have to let him go on the train cos he doesn't get to scream set you aching then take your car

SuperBeagle · 14/02/2018 02:19

Also, surely the cars that need servicing the most are the ones that are old, not new?

I have to agree that it's daft that you haven't had the car serviced.

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