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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 14/02/2018 07:49

I don’t understand why it’s up to the OP to take him out or call his driving instructor. She told him her conditions in advance and he didn’t bother to do as she asked. He’s not a baby. He needs to sort it out and ask his dad to check out the car.

PollyMycroft · 14/02/2018 07:50

dropzoneone screaming in frustration? Then he's not adult enough to be driving on a motorway.

falang · 14/02/2018 07:52

Yabu Can't see the point in having the car if you aren't going to use it to do long journeys when needed. Motorways aren't that hard to drive on.

bouncydog · 14/02/2018 07:55

I think you are being unreasonable although I fully understand your concerns. We live offshore where the speed limit is 35mh! DD passed her test at 17 and went off to Uni at 18. In 2nd year at 19 she decided to take her little Corsa To say I was worried was an understatement as she had to get off the ferry at Portsmouth and straight onto the motorway! The fastest she had driven before was 35 mph - no dual carriageways etc. She was fine and subsequently has gone off driving all over the place. Let your son take the car - he is now an adult and responsible for making his decisions. If he felt incapable he wouldn't ask!

JustForThisFred · 14/02/2018 07:56

YA NOT BU

I’m a confident driver, I’ll drive any vehicle (I’m licensed for) anywhere. Rental trucks to move house, big mini busses to drive clients, in the snow in the mountains etc & I’ve been driving since Adam was a boy, I’ve driven in many countries, on both sides of road etc. I regularly drive on the M3, M4, M25 without even thinking about it. However, I went up to Leeds last weekend & the motorway was horrific, people driving badly, signage isn’t very clear if you don’t know the local towns etc...and the lorries were hammering down, all over the bloody place. I was sat on the M1 for 3 hours on the way home because of an accident. A lorry and two small cars were still there when we went past and god knows how many were cleared away before we got there, there were quite a few tow trucks going down there. No one would have survived in at least 1 of the ones still there and probably not the other one either. I lost count of emergency vehicles.

There’s not a cat in hells chance I’d let a child of mine, with no motorway experience do that stretch of motorway. No way. Not even in a ‘better’ car. He’s 19, so you can’t really ‘forbid’ it, but you can refuse to lend him a vehicle to do it.

You shouldn’t be saying you share a car. It’s your car, bought and paid for, including insurance, by you. He’s feeling a sense of entitlement, which he doesn’t actually have.

I’d tell him until he can speak to you nicely, he’s not borrowing your car, at all.

£20pw is nothing as that’s all he pays for at home. Can you afford for him not to be paying board?

As for your car, I totally get you. It’s fine for what you need, for now. It’s not really up to motorway driving, it’s underpowered for that. Also it’s old and you don’t need to be adding a lot of mileage to it and for that reason alone I’d be telling DS that the car isn’t up to the trip, irrespective of who is driving it.

As for your DP. He sound like a twat. Unsupportive, nasty & selfish. Why are you with him? Being single is far better than being in a relationship that leaves you feeling used & unloved.

💐 get them both told.

Eliza9917 · 14/02/2018 07:56

You are being ridiculous.

Chugalug · 14/02/2018 07:57

My dh wouldn't of needed asking to check a car his kids were going to drive...he also gave them motoway lessons...so actually I think you are the sensible one ,and yr dp should of checked the car over

Frouby · 14/02/2018 08:02

Yanbu OP.

I have been driving for 20 years. Did thousands of miles moterway driving until I had dd 13 years ago. Haven't driven on one since.

They are fast and dangerous and a silly mistake by you or someone else can kill you and others. That is obviously true on any road but because of the speed of motorways it's easier to make a mistake or be at the end of one.

And I drive a 2011 pick up truck so not in an old, small car.

Butterymuffin · 14/02/2018 08:07

My dh wouldn't of needed asking to check a car his kids were going to drive

This! Or for a partner's child. As for the pp who said 'why would he give up his free time to save you cash' - what sad expectations of a relationship! I would be doing a lot less for him if he's as selfish as that.

GabriellaMontez · 14/02/2018 08:08

Dp sounds unsupportive and lazy.
Ds sounds childish and rude.

Let ds hire a car if yours isn't good enough.

Motorway driving for the first time is different. Especially in an underpowered car.

Yanbu

fluffyowlagain · 14/02/2018 08:11

Please do get the car serviced - I have a service done with the MOT and then six months later, sometimes more often as I do a lot of driving. My commute to work is about 50 miles each way, the majority on dual carriageway and motorway. I was driving to work within weeks of passing my test, which at the time was about 30 miles each way, again the vast majority on motorway, in a 1.2ltr car. I did a few drives to work first accompanied by a much more experienced driver, to make sure I was confident of the route, and to experience motorway driving in general. Yes, motorways are dangerous, but so are residential roads with pedestrians who don't look before they cross the road, and cyclists who dress head to toe in black, at night, and don't bother with high vis or lights. I'd rather drive on motorways than in a city centre and I really didn't think I'd be saying that when I started out! I recommend to all new drivers that they get out on a motorway as soon as they can, so it doesn't become a big, scary thing. Good luck!

bigbluebus · 14/02/2018 08:12

I fully understand where you're coming from OP. One thing that I wondered is does your DS drink alcohol? You say he is going to visit a friend at Uni so i wouldn't mind betting that vast quantities of alcohol will be consumed and he will have to make sure he is under the limit on his return journey. If he takes the train he won't need to worry about that.

I also live in an area with no motorways. Our driving test route has a 1 mile long dual carriageway with no slip roads and 2 sets of traffic lights so although my DS has a full driving licence the thought of him on a busy motorway fills me with dread. He asked to take the car to Uni which is a 3 1/2 hr drive away but i said that for now the car stays at home. Lots of other reasons apart from the motorway drive but fortunately the train journey takes the same time as the drive.
If your DS shouted at you i think he'd definitely be going on the train now! Can you agree that if he goes by train this time you will arrange some motorway lessons and maybe he can save up and buy himself a more reliable car as he's working.

T1M2N3T4 · 14/02/2018 08:13

Have you considered pass plus for your ds? I did it 10 years ago in my own car and it covered motorway driving with a qualified driving instructor. It's usually done in the instructors car. I wanted to do it in my car as it was petrol and I had learnt in a diesel plus the thought of motorway driving terrified 18 year old me. Not a problem now obviously.
It gives an insurance discount with some insurance providers - although I never bother mentioning it as it very minimal £10 in my case.

NerrSnerr · 14/02/2018 08:16

Lots of posters saying the OP should get him further lessons or pass plus. He's 19, he can sort out his own lessons if he wants them!!

Valentinesfart · 14/02/2018 08:18

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

It's your car and he's being a twat to you and demanding something that isn't his. He can't speak to you liek that, and no, your request wasn't unreasonable anyway.

Discusting · 14/02/2018 08:19

I think it is sensible to get DS to do a short motorway run before this bigger trip. It sounds like your DP is a complete arse for not supporting this.

Valentinesfart · 14/02/2018 08:20

dropzoneone screaming in frustration? Then he's not adult enough to be driving on a motorway.

Good point about maturity.

Desmondo2016 · 14/02/2018 08:21

I think OP is suffering parental catastrophising and unfortunately needs to suck it up and let it go.

A car that is safe to drive on the roads will be safe on a motorway.

A driver that is competent will drive any roaxworthy car appropriately to the conditions.

TheFillijonk · 14/02/2018 08:22

I think you're getting a hard time, OP.
YANBU to want DS to have a practice on the motorway first. His tantrum would mean in our house that he would have car privileges removed

YABU not to have your car serviced though. How do you know it's running properly and is safe?

norfolkenclue · 14/02/2018 08:22

Are you ever going to let him drive on the motorway OP? Is it anxiety about motorway driving that is stopping you from letting him take the car (honestly?) and are you using the capabilities of the car as an excuse?

I agree that his behaviour towards you was rude, but maybe he's frustrated at your changing your mind after saying he could use the car...and maybe there is more to this than you've said here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2018 08:26

Late 80’s, a couple of months after passing my test, I bundled some friends in my car and drove over 100 miles down the motorway to the coast. I was 17. In the driving rain. In a very old car with not much power. The car was almost 20 years old, no mod cons or power steering.

It’s not something I’d like my dd to do when she’s older. However, I do think you’re clipping your ds’s wings. It would definitely be a brilliant idea for him to get some motorway experience under his belt before he drives alone. At 19 I really don’t think you should be policing what he can and can’t do. But ultimately, he needs to buy his own car if he wants to make his own decisions.

GnomeDePlume · 14/02/2018 08:27

I'm afraid I always take the claims that the other party were screaming with a pinch of salt.

OP, you are being unreasonable. If you want to have the right of veto over which journeys you deem inappropriate then you need to have been clear about that up front. Deciding that you dont like a journey because you are nervous is unreasonable.

UrsulaPandress · 14/02/2018 08:27

I think you should get the car serviced regularly.

I also think you should accompany your son on some motorway driving before he goes it alone. Dd has a little car and she has yet to drive alone on the motorway and she passed her test last June.

Lifeofpies · 14/02/2018 08:29

I think you’re getting a hard time too. In principle I agree it’s ok to let your DS drive on m’ways etc, but the lack of support from your DP and their unwillingness to do a test drive would make me dig my heals in.
I would make a taking pass plus or going out with DP a number of times a condition of him taking it solo on the m’way.
It’s your car, your choice. Don’t let them bully you.

Salene · 14/02/2018 08:30

YABU and to be honest if car only does short local journeys it could probably do with a decent run

As for motorway driving he will be absolutely fine you are making a fuss over nothing

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