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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 14/02/2018 09:16

Just had a thought, he'll have told his friends he's driving there.

"Thought you were driving down, mate?"

"I was but Mummy wouldn't let me have the car because she's worried about me driving on motorways".

Do you really want to do this to him?

Headofthehive55 · 14/02/2018 09:22

He's more likely to have accidents on local rural roads. A friend of mine took a call - mum I'm in a ditch with the car...

gamerwidow · 14/02/2018 09:29

When your DP said it wasn’t fit for motorway driving he probably meant it wasn’t optimal for motorway driving. It’s easier on the motorways with a big car with a powerful engine but that doesn’t mean that small cars are unsafe on the motorway just that they are better suited for local trips.

PurpleDaisies · 14/02/2018 09:32

What, exactly, do you think you have the right to be annoyed about?

It’s perfectly reasonable to be annoyed that the op doesn’t trust the son’s driving ability and thinks she knows better than a driving test examiner and an MOT mechanic.

elisenbrunnen · 14/02/2018 09:37

Purple but its her car! He has no right to be annoyed that he can't use it.

She is the one who can say whether he drives it or not. And it's perfectly reasonable to want it driven carefully if it's an old car, and not to put too much strain on it, or drive it too far and put more miles on it.

When he gets his own car, and maintains it, then he can go where he likes.

PurpleDaisies · 14/02/2018 09:40

They share the car. She clearly usually lets him drive it. If she were busy and needed the caf, fair enough but he’s passed his test and it’s ridiculous for her to say he’s not a good enough driver to go on the motorway in a car that’s passed it’s MOT.

BarbaraofSevillle · 14/02/2018 09:40

Really depends what the OP means by a 'small old car'. The fact that she says it cant' do 70, suggests to me that it is either really old (Morris Minor type) or something like a Robin Reliant or a 2 CV, not the 10 YO Polo that a lot of posters seem to be imagining, which will be absolutely fine.

The dual carriageway that the OP mentions has a limit of 40/50 MPH too, so not at all comparable to near motorway style dual carriageways like the A1 or the A34, A42 etc.

carbuckety · 14/02/2018 09:42

I'm amazed you say you dint know anyone who services their car except new cars! Really? I have mine serviced at least an nnually and have the legally required MOT. Most people I know do that. But this is your car. Your rules. He's a bit cheeky and pushing you. You are nervyand not confident driving long distances because you don't do it. He is 19 and needs to be more confident than you. Let him do it but as well as putting in the petrol so the tank is as full when he returns it as when you lend it, ask him to pay something towards wear and tear ( tyres etc). Maybe he should contribute something each month towards MOT tyres and servicing anyway if he uses if regularly? Plus his share of the insurance. He needs to learn having a car isn't the cheap option, sometimes a train is cheaper overall

Fromage · 14/02/2018 09:44

I would have been in the YABU camp but for this, in the OP

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

He is being a brat and he can sort out his own transport. Once he's had to cough up for his train fare and take some responsibility for himself, he might be a bit more grateful for the loan of your car.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/02/2018 09:48

Not to be rude but a driving test examiner sees you for 40 mins, in your driving instructor's car. There is no motorway driving element to the test. I doubt he knows the OP's son and car better than the OP does.
And lots of cars are fine for as a little run around, but not great for long motorway trips. Maybe OP doesn't want her car knackered by a stroppy teen who thinks he knows everything and feels entitled to have everything!

PrinceofWales · 14/02/2018 09:56

Sorry, just to be clear, would every poster here get their car ( if it was of a similar age) serviced before a longer than usual trip involving motorways? If not, why are you saying the OP is unreasonable to have not done this? Should she pay for an unnecessary service for a trip she's not even going on and was only aware of recently?

I really cannot see how anyone is saying she's unreasonable.

Her car, which she feels isn't up to the trip with an inexperienced driver, who is having a tantrum over her decision. She has offered ways around this which have been rejected by said tantruming inexperienced driver.

And you all say he should be allowed to use the car anyway?!

And if he crashes, who's fault would that be?

FluffyWuffy100 · 14/02/2018 09:57

Very sensible to have a practice on the M way with a more experienced driver (or do the pass plus lessons after you pass your test - I did those, was great to get m way experience).

It is a bit silly to say your car can't go on the motorway - as long as it can do 70 it will be fine.

FluffyWuffy100 · 14/02/2018 09:58

But your son is being super U since you have offered to pay for train ticket and drive him to the station!!!

FluffyWuffy100 · 14/02/2018 09:58

@Bluelady he could just say his mum wouldn't let him take the car, doesn't need to say why.

GnotherGnu · 14/02/2018 10:12

He's passed his test so I don't really understand why you wouldn't let him drive on a motorway.

Because the test doesn't involve motorway driving? Because the stats demonstrate that it's young inexperienced male drivers who have by far the most serious accidents?

LollyLarkin · 14/02/2018 10:13

YABU. I can’t believe you drive a car that can’t go on a motorway, if it’s not safe enough for that then you shouldn’t be driving it on other roads.

It’s also crazy that neither you nor your DH have taken him out on the motorway for a trial run. Surely he’s going to have to do that kind of journey at some point in his life. You say that he has no idea what it’s like driving on the four lane motorway near you, surely he’s been a passenger when you’ve been or for the day so he will at least have experienced it then.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/02/2018 10:13

Motorways are not all created equally.

M4, M3, M25. Very easy. If that’s the kind of motorways people are used to, it’s easy to see why they think motorways are easier than other roads and you can simply pop on, stay in the slower lanes and pop off again.

However, there are other motorways which are very confusing, you can’t just sit in the left hand lanes as ‘your’ part of the motorway is branching off to the right and unless your very familiar with it, it can be difficult to work out where the fuck you need to be and that's without factoring in lorries going far too fast and other people not driving terribly well & suddenly changing their minds about where they need to be.

The more complicated motorways are not the place for a new driver.

And to the poster who drove friends on the motor way in the late ‘80’s...it’s in no way comparable. We had nowhear near the volume of traffic then as we do now and the motorways were nowhere near as big or complicated thirty years ago

toleranceofflop · 14/02/2018 10:18

I drove a similar car when I had just passed my test, there is no way I would have dreamed of driving it on a motorway and my parents would never have considered letting me. I also would never have had my first drive on the motorway with no one else in the car. I think on roads like that you need (very occasionally) to be able to accelerate quickly, after all even if he happens to be the best driver in the world he will be surrounded by idiots in much bigger cars!

Stick to your guns OP, it's your car and your decision, he can either like it or lump it. Frankly if I had screamed down the phone to my parents ever, let alone when they had offered to pay my train fare, I would still be suffering now!

Your "D"P needs to support you, at least by discussing things not dismissing you (belittling you) by laughing.

headinhands · 14/02/2018 10:18

I think your job is skewing your opinion. My dd has a little car and had to start a 2hr commute inc the M25 from the day after she passed.

She was still young. About 21/22? I knew that as a driver you only get the experience you need by driving on your own.

Passing your test means you are at a level where you can learn on your own. I'm still learning and have been driving for 10+ years.

headinhands · 14/02/2018 10:19

Increasingly car drivers are choosing to do 60 because it's more economic.

carbuckety · 14/02/2018 10:20

I wouldn't service it for a trip of 90 miles but I might if the DS offered to Pay! And we did always service before major trip eg to france

Bluelady · 14/02/2018 10:22

Telling his friends his mum won't let him take the car is just as bad, they're bound to ask why. I've seen some real old bangers on motorways, their owners seem fine with it. This is just wrapping up a 19 year old adult - old enough to get married, father a child, vote, go to war - in cotton wool. Ridiculous.

LexieLulu · 14/02/2018 10:25

If your DC doesn't like it he can get his own car!!

He shouldn't scream at you over the phone regardless of whether you were being fair.

Your car, your rules

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/02/2018 10:26

I think you are being to cautious , any reason you can't take him on the motorway tonight for a few junctions?

callmeadoctor · 14/02/2018 10:28

The important thing here is that the OP has stated that the car doesn't ever get serviced because its 15 years old! Yes, it may have passed its MOT test 9 months ago, but if the OP is worried about her sons safety then her car should be regularly serviced. Just because she doesnt drive over 40mph doesnt mean that the car isn't dangerous Shock

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