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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
WheresTheHooferDoofer · 16/02/2018 11:30

Small cars are just as capable of being on the motorway as larger cars.

My first motorway drive took place in a tiny 950cc Fiesta. It had a manual choke and no power steering, but even though it was old then, I made sure it was serviced and I even got 100mph on one memorable occasion (ok, downhill with a following wind).

All cars should be capable of motorway driving. Cars are either roadworthy or not.

alotalotalot · 16/02/2018 11:31

Yanbu to ask him to do it first with an experienced driver. It is a different way of driving. I also get the nervousness of a new driver you love going that fast. It's scary there at the moment

I have driven it on the motorway briefly which is how I know.

but you say you did it for a short journey, so I suppose there is no reason he can't. Drum into him that it won't have the power to accelerate to get him out of trouble and to be careful. I know, it sucks

alotalotalot · 16/02/2018 11:33

Remind him that the cameras are automatically getting anyone doing over 70 on huge swathes of motorway since a couple of weeks ago, too. I noticed a sharp decrease in the numbers of cars overtaking me recently, presumably because of this.

Feb2018mumma · 16/02/2018 11:42

If he wants to drive long journeys tell him to buy himself a car that isn't a town car! I had a little 1 litre engine car before and on the motorway lorries made the car shake! Some cars aren't built for motorways and if he pushes it too far and it breaks down I'm sure he would expect you to pay for it to be fixed!

iBiscuit · 16/02/2018 11:43

alota pleased to hear the cameras are doing the trick. I've not been on the motorway for a few weeks.

italiancortado · 16/02/2018 11:47

Some cars aren't built for motorways and if he pushes it too far and it breaks down I'm sure he would expect you to pay for it to be fixed

Cars don't break down by pushing them on a motorway Confused

And yes to OP paying to fix it. If it breaks down it will be due to wear and tear which is something that is the responsibility of the OP. We can all minimise the risk of such breakdowns by ensuring we look after our cars and service them regularly. It won't stop certain parts 'going' and it won't guarantee no breakdowns, but it will massively decrease the amount of possible breakdowns.

But seriously, cars don't break down because you drive them too fast. They break because they have something wrong. This something may not be immediately obvious at short journeys/slow speeds, but again, a service throws up many problems before they become big problems.

iBiscuit · 16/02/2018 11:53

Some cars really are shit on busy motorways though. Mine (maintained but old) is dreadful. It's fast, but small and low to the ground.

In wet weather especially (mainly because of the spray and the way some drivers don't seem to adjust their speed and distance to fit the conditions) it's bloody scary.

greenlynx · 16/02/2018 12:08

OP, you are absolutely right. Your son needs to build up his experience, so before driving on a motorway on his own he needs to have a lesson with driving instructor or with someone else experienced. You explained it to him but he didn't listen properly which is big point against him.
He is not a confident driver -- he is 19 years old who is confident in himself ( over confident rather) .
He is going to have friends in a car with him? Now it looks worse for me. This age group is not famous for being cautious while driving ( and beyond)
It's not about sharing a car at all. It's about planning your actions and thinking about consequences.

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2018 14:19

OP, you are absolutely right. Your son needs to build up his experience, so before driving on a motorway on his own he needs to have a lesson with driving instructor or with someone else experienced

Says who? Plenty of people drive on the motorway for the first time without lessons or building it up gradually. If you’ve passed your test there’s nothing else you need to do first.

iBiscuit · 16/02/2018 14:30

Legally, no. But in actual, real-life terms it's very unwise to send an overconfident 19yo with little experience out on the motorway.

NerrSnerr · 16/02/2018 14:35

I think overconfident is subjective here, the OP says she hasn’t driven on the motorway as it’s not local even though it’s only 20 minutes away which makes me wonder if the op is underconfident and her son a normal new driver who should be able to cope with the motorway like everyone else!

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 16/02/2018 16:38

I didn't say I haven't driven on the motorway! I have driven on it, not for a journey the length my son is planning though.

It's because I have driven on it that I know the car isn't ideal. I didn't buy it as a motorway car. I don't really have cause to drive on a motorway regularly. Probably a couple of times a year - one of which was when I drove on it. The motorway is not near any of the places I regularly travel to so it isn't an issue.

If I'd wanted a car to go up and down the motorway in I'd have bought something bigger and more powerful which I wouldn't have been able to afford to insure my DS on any way!

OP posts:
kath6144 · 16/02/2018 17:21

We drive a lot on motorways, so are used to them and had no qualms about Ds driving them. My early cars were all old 1l cars and I also did a lot of motorway driving in them. Never a problem.

My DS has a 1l car, bought when he passed 3 yrs ago. He had a brief journey on our nearby motorway with DH, then started to go on it alone.

First long journey was about 8 wks after passing, we holiday'd in UK that year as he couldn't get time off from his new PT job - he travelled back and forth to us at start and end of middle weekends. At the end of holiday, we all came back on a Friday, him in his own car with DD, on virtually all motorway. He also did a motorway journey with friends for a holiday that summer.

He has since travelled many motorway miles in his car, including some 350 mile return journeys for interviews. We also take it to work regularly, a 35mile journey, mostly on motorways. It performs fine.

I think you are being very unreasonable. Just because you aren't used to driving on motorways, doesn't mean your DS wont be competent. Either he is allowed to share your car, or not, you shouldn't be putting barriers up for how or when he can use it. Totally unfair.

Make sure there is some breakdown cover, but it as likely to breakdown on a normal road or your home, as on a motorway.

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 16/02/2018 17:52

You misunderstand my objection.

He has never driven the car on a motorway before. I wanted him to trial this with DP, rather than his first drive be him and his mates.

I wanted him to trial it because driving on the motorway is different to what he is used to, also because the car isn't great on a motorway due to its size and lack of speed (which he wouldn't know because it's fine for local drives).

We have breakdown cover as I've said. However whilst that would cover getting the car back, it would only cover DS onward journey. If it broke down on the way there he'd have to get the train back.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 16/02/2018 18:03

You've made up your mind. Half of us seem to think you're right, the rest of us think you're not. Personally I think the sooner your son gets his own car and isn't dependent about on your whim the better.

GnomeDePlume · 16/02/2018 18:19

I dont understand what good you think having a trial session with your partner will do. Your car isnt dual control, your partner isnt a driving instructor, he wouldnt have the same view as your DS. Your partner telling your son to do/not do XYZ will only be a distraction. 50/60 miles on the motorway just getting on with it will be far more use to build his experience.

But you've made your mind up based on your own nervousness.

Allthewaves · 16/02/2018 18:23

I passed my test, got a car and was driving up and down motorway (4hours) to see my then boyfriend at 18. Get breakdown cover if your worried and let him go

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 16/02/2018 18:29

I have breakdown cover thanks.
I'm not nervous. Or anxious. Or imposing a whim (bearing in mind it is my car and my insurance is double because he's on it).

OP posts:
kath6144 · 16/02/2018 18:39

So why hasn't the trial on the motorway happened? It could be with you if your DH isn't available?

Your post was Tuesday night, its now Friday, guessing the trip is over a weekend, so plenty of time for a trial?

If it broke down on the way there he'd have to get the train back.

What is the problem with that? Its unlikely to happen anyway, just because it is being driven on a motorway doesn't make breakdown more likely. DS car broke down as he backed it off our drive!!! Nothing related to motorway driving.

italiancortado · 16/02/2018 19:00

If it broke down on the way there he'd have to get the train back.

Does he have some sort of learning difficulty that you have omitted to mention? Otherwise I'm stumped trying to work out what is a problem with a 19 year old man catching a train Confused

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/02/2018 19:02

It had a manual choke

Thanks for that little blast from the past 😊. Seems unbelievable now doesn’t it.

However, the roads have also changed a lot since then & there are a lot more cars on the road now.

Motorways are all different, some are easy but some are complex and certainly the people on the M1 haven’t got the memo about the cameras because that’s as nuts as ever.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 16/02/2018 19:04

M1 is part of my commute, so very, very slow at times.

Bettybettybettybetty · 16/02/2018 19:11

Your car, your child, your choice.

My mother would not have allowed me to do that at that age.

Bluelady · 16/02/2018 19:15

My mother would have had no say in the matter.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 16/02/2018 19:16

I do not think you are being unreasonable to want your son to have a trial motorway drive

Seems very sensible and we did this with ds1. After driving for just over a year he wanted to do a 2 hour journey and i insisted he stop half way for a break

I also dont think you are being unreasonable to get your partner to look over the car

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