To say he can't take the car?

[Shitinyourhandsandclap]

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous .

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

Only 15 minutes away? That's nearby. From what you said it sounded like there were no 70mph roads for 50 miles or so!

This is the motorway I've driven on,

Did you have a bad experience when you drove on it?

. If you won't let him do it cuz he's not done it before, when will he ever do it? Yabvu

That's a good point. When will he be ready?

Clearly he'll be ready when he's done a trial run with an experienced driver

You have asked the MN jury what they think, and it is a resounding YABU and controlling, dozens of sensible posters have come on here to say you should be letting him.

And yet you are still coming back to defend your decision and try the explain why you are right.

You are indeed controlling and obviously refuse accept anyone else's opinion, you clearly won't change your mind. How frustrating for your DS, this is how you drive kids away.

I understand the idea of spending £100-200 on a service for a car that's only worth £500 rankles, but someone needs to maintain your car properly for your own safety and indeed the safety of your son. If you're not doing that yourself or getting family or friends to do it then that means paying a garage. (So it really depends on how much your DP knows or is willing to learn.) It's also the law that any car you drive must be roadworthy. An MOT doesn't check everything and is not an assurance of roadworthiness! It merely checks the car doesn't have any of a handful of common faults.

I got my car serviced for the first time in a few years last month. I don't do much mileage and it's a reliable make so once every few years should be OK, but I'm not going to totally neglect it. As much as anything else it's for peace of mind. I could change my own oil but I can't tell myself if there's a worn bearing or a bent part, that might suddenly break when driving or make the handling dangerous.

Regarding the argument with DS over it, a lot of people are saying it's your car, but you had an agreement right? As you said in your original post, to share its use with DS. And he's putting in enough fuel to do about a hundred miles a week which I suspect is a lot more than he actually drives it, meaning that's his contribution to the running costs of the shared car. You're now changing the terms of that agreement and while you can do that since it's legally yours, you shouldn't be surprised that doing so has pissed off your DS.

(Assuming 30 mpg and £1.20/litre, £20 would do 110 miles. Obviously a lot of variation depending on car, road, and driving style.)

"I could let DS go on the back roads only."

Please don't. You'd be putting him at more risk. Country roads are much more dangerous than motorways especially for an inexperienced driver who might want to drive fast. The closest I've come to a serious crash was on a country road.

I think you were reasonable to say you wanted him to have a practice run before letting him drive for 90 minutes on the motorway. He's shot himself in the foot by screaming at you. Lol at the posters who say you should treat him like an adult and then in the next breath tell you to be worried about what his friends think.

18-25 year olds are more likely to have an accident than other drivers. I fail to see why he can't take the train. If he's meeting hide mates won't have likely to have a drink or two? As a non driver ,I can't see the you must take the car attitude

Erm, it's not a resounding YABU actually! Plenty of posters have said that it's sensible for any new driver to have a motorway practice run, be that with an instructor or another adult. Also that my son's behaviour and how he reacted, telling me it was my job to sort it out (much like he and his sibling think it's my job to do all the housework, cooking and cleaning while unless I nag them they don't lift a finger) and screaming and yelling at me, for which he refuses to apologise, wasn't acceptable and therefore he didn't deserve the car. How dare you say I'll alienate my son! So I should let him do as he pleases and speak to me like shit?! I'm trying to model a decent human being, god knows that's hard enpugh on my own. And I won't let him always have his own way. I said he could use the car with practice and once DP checked it. He hasn't and won't. That's that.

He'll be ready when he's had some practice with another adult and when I'm sure the car is ok. Or he gets his own car and does as he pleases, nothing I can do if he's in his own car is there.

I didn't have a bad experience. The car was significantly slower than everything else. Its a busy motorway and pretty much everyone exceeds the speed limit. There are sections where you have to move lanes as the nearside lane becomes a slip road. On those occasions it was quite difficult to change lanes as all the other traffic was doing 70+. So it was a challenge which I don't think DS realises as he's never driven on a road where the limit is over 50.

There's also a valid point about drinking. He never drinks if he has the car with him on a night out, however when he's away the risk is of him driving the next day when he may be over the limit. Another good reason not to take the car.

Sundays, I think you may be looking at a different thread from everyone else. There are plenty of people agreeing that OP's son should have some motorway practice with an experienced driver, and also plenty saying that the forfeits his right to use the car by screaming down the phone at OP and demanding it.

Classic MN!

Son asks his mum if he can borrow his mum’s car to drive to a friend’s house. Mum says ok if you have some practice on the motorway first with your dad and your dad gives the car a once over. Son can’t be arsed organizing this, so, mum says no. Son has a strop and yells at his mum, yet somehow the mum is a terrible human being whose children will hate her. It’s bonkers!

The son is 19. He can pick up the phone himself and book a motorway lesson with an instructor. He can ask his dad to check over the car. He can figure out this mess without throwing all his toys out of the pram.

Stand firm, OP. You are doing the right thing.

I could let DS go on the back roads only. However once he's in the car I won't know or have any control over which way he goes.

Nor should you have any control. He’s an adult who has passed his driving test. Your anxiety is going to make him a nervous and unconfident driver just like you, and nervous and unconfident drivers are not safe to drive.

You share with car with him, and since you own it, that means you get priority. It does not mean you get to be controlling and veto journeys you don’t agree with.

If you’re as paranoid, anxious and controlling in other areas of his life you’ll just end up pushing him away.

Shadow666, you've misunderstood. The OP's partner is not her son's father. There's no indication the son "can’t be arsed organizing this"; DP refused to supervise DS on a practice motorway drive and is implied to be quite OK with DS driving on the motorway himself. But it's not his car. It's legally OP's car but informally shared with her DS. So OP told DS he couldn't do the drive and DS got pissed off.

To an extent DS is the one stuck in the middle of the disagreement between the OP and her partner.

Sorry

In that case, it sounds like a DP problem rather than an OP problem.

Ok, I re-read the OP’s posts and she did mention her DP wasn’t her sons father but I also do think it’s clear from her posts that he hasn’t been arsed to sort this out and basically expects his mum to do everything. It seems the DP can’t be arsed doing anything either.

I still think the OP has made her conditions clear and should stand firm. If the son wants to use the car on the motorway he can ask his step dad to take him for a run and check over the car.

Why has do refused if it's that much of a big deal to u don't let him take car but ure over reacting

DS doing a short trial run is unnecessary, but it would have been kind of him to agree to ease your fears a little. However, if DS agreed to that but it is DP who ruined the plan by refusing to take him then I don't blame DS for being angry that the reason he can't use your car is a combination of you being irrationally nervous and your DP being a dick. Obviously he shouldn't have shouted at you, but you aren't blameless here either.

"Your car, your rules" does apply, but I really do struggle to understand families where people aren't kind and helpful to each other. Between my siblings and parents there are currently 4 cars and we have all had temporary usage of each other's cars when needed even tho DSis is a bit crap at driving. Public transport is always an option, but driving is just so much more convenient there's no way I'd insist on family getting a train if I didn't need my car.

I would refuse to discuss it with him until he has apologised for shouting at you, then offer a solution - a short trial run on his own. It would ease your fears a bit to know he had managed to drive safely on the motorway.

The housework and not paying anything at home are separate issues which need to be sorted separately IMO. Bringing them up now will escalate the situation, but they do need sorting out - he should be paying enough to cover food / bills as a minimum AND doing his fair share of household tasks.

I'm not an anxious or unconfident driver, and I'm not projecting my anxiety. I know an awful lot about road accidents because of my job. Most accidents are simple human error, and a lot of those involving young people are caused by over confidence.

DS might be fine. He might not. Something may go wrong with the car, it might not. I'm his mum and effectively his only parent (indeed apart from my other child I'm his only relative). He's had plenty of independence - he's not like a kid I read on here the other day who at 14 still was never left at home alone or allowed to go anywhere on his own. I assessed the risk of those things and considered it was ok. Him driving on the motorway, if he'd practiced or was in a more motorway suitable car...We wouldn't be having this discussion.

Havong discissed it further my DP is of the view DS should have his own car by now. And that whilst he is probably capable of motorway driving it's more likely that he will push the car to its limit/ break down and then I will have the hassle of getting it recovered and repaired. Following on from the tyre incident (and to a pp who basically inferred that was my fault because I can't check tyre pressure, it was a tyre that had been put on a week earlier after that was an advisory in the last MOT - the garage had checked all tyre pressures then. So there was nothing wrong with the pressure he was just careless) I know that's a possibility. Although that wasn't my reason for saying no, but now DP has mentioned if I can see it's a fair point.

He could have just asked to borrow to car and told you he was going into town or something. And gone to see the friend anyway.
He has been honest about what he wants to use the car for. Chances are he won’t next time as he knows you’ll say no...

YANBU-a car like that should not be on a motorway at all. That's very unsafe.

Well I wouldn’t let him have it simply due to his awful behaviour, but I also wouldn’t be letting him speak to me like shit, running round after him washing his clothes or feeding him.

He needs to shape up or move out.

Just another viewpoint....and while I don't agree with the way he spoke to you OP, just maybe he is so frustrated at being treated like a 9yo, when he's a 19yo ADULT, that he retaliated and probably regrets his outburst, but really who could blame him?

Again, like so many others, I think if the car is in such poor condition it should not be driven anywhere. In your job, you would know that you don't 'need' to be driving fast to have an accident, slow/anxious drivers cause more accidents than others. Having also worked in a driver safety job, I too, used to see some terrible things happen, but that doesn't mean you can wrap DCs in cotton wool either.

My DCs learned to drive (and had their own car) at 7yo and 9yo...they couldn't drive on the road, we lived on acres and they used to feed and look after all the animals, so got plenty of practice 'before' they were licenced to drive on the road. First long trip for DS at 17yo was 8 hrs and of course, he had to return home a week later, another 8 hrs. This trip did a lot for his long distance driving ability and confidence. He had bought (and paid for) his own car which was some years old, but in good mechanical order and nothing went wrong on that trip.

As I said before, as DMs we need to untie the apron strings...with the frustration your DS is exhibiting, I would be more concerned of losing him completely due to not having the freedom a 19yo should have. We don't 'own' our kids, they are only on 'loan' and released into the world when they turn 18yo. Sorry but I really feel for your DS.

Yab over cautious

I've driven a lot of motorway miles but no way on earth would I take a 15 year old car out that has not been serviced onto a motorway. Not for a 90 mile trip. The idea of sending my inexperienced 19 year old out in such a car makes me feel sick.

If the car had been serviced regularly and if I knew from driving it on the motorway that the car would cope maybe. In addition I would expect my son/daughter to have either a motorway lesson from me or an instructor. None of those reasonable expectations have been met so OP YANBU.

"If you treat people like shit they don't loan you shit, so I won't be lending you my car from now on." That should be the main lesson followed by "if you don't like my offer and conditions then get your own".

You are not doing a young adult any favours by letting them act in an entitled way.

The time off work etc is not relevant.