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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
Proudmummytodc2 · 15/02/2018 06:22

I haven't RTFT I was in the motorway the day after I passed my test. You really have to let him learn how to drive on them.

I get you paid for the car ect but you made a deal to let him use it and all he had to do was pay £20 fuel and agree a date in advance he has kept to his end of the deal but you haven't by now refusing him use of the car because your scared.

At 19 you need to let go he's not a baby I was pregnant with my own (planned) 1st baby at 19, though I suppose I'm different to you DS as I wasn't sponging off my mum n dad I actually had my own house with my DP ect. But still we are adults at this age and you need to respect that you DS is an adult and is quiet capable of making his own decisions just fine.

He shouldn't have shouted at your though and I'd be having a word about speaking to you with respect no matter what age a person is or who they are no one has any right to scream at you ever.

In regards to your DP he should have helped you but seriously if your that worried about the car you shouldn't be driving it at all. Also you should be getting it serviced by a professional just because your DP has been driving lots of years it doesn't make him an expert on cars.

Troels · 15/02/2018 07:00

I'd pay for RAC or AA breakdown cover for the car (what is it, £30 a year or less) and let him go. At least then he'll get towed off the motorway. Tell him to make sure his phone is chared so he can call.

TableShack · 15/02/2018 07:55

YABVU

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 15/02/2018 08:31

As mentioned upthread, we have breakdown cover, it's actually more like £100 a year but anyway, we have it.

I'm not an anxious helicopter parent and making out like this is all 'my fault' somehow is wrong. On the parenting bell curve, I think I'm somewhere in the middle, neither overly protective nor completely laissez faire. I know kids his age who have a lot less freedom (a few who have more but that's generally because they are living away from home either because they have been kicked out by parents or chosen to move out for uni or to live independently).

OP posts:
Troels · 15/02/2018 08:36

Sorry I missed the bit where you have breakdown cover. Mine is £110 for three cars. Yours sounds expensive.
Its a life lesson learing to get from A to B while gripping the wheel so tight your hands ache, then swearing to yourself you won't it ever again in your head.
The reason I say let him is I know a new driver, passed 3 weeks ago. He's a little nervous, but has already made himself drive north to south, visiting Miton keynes, and been to Liverpool three times as well as Manchester. Said he needs to get it all over and done with so he doesn't get stuck driving himself only in one area. The trip to Miton Keynes also involved snow on the motorway.

zaalitje · 15/02/2018 08:39

I'm a nervous driver but I like motorways, everything heading in the same direction, the only junction to be aware of is where you get on and off.
To me it feels safer and easier than city driving

ShatnersWig · 15/02/2018 08:44

I didn't have a car to drive until a couple of months after I passed my test as an 18-year old as my parents would let me drive their GTI! I got a little 1 litre Fiesta, about 9 years old, immaculate condition and low mileage. First thing I did was to drive 24 miles to the nearest motorway junction, went down two junctions, came off, got back on, and returned the other way. Without anyone else in the car, although I'd have been quite happy if either of my parents wanted to go with me.

That little underpowered Fiesta (1983 reg) coped perfectly well at overtaking lorries at 70mph. I actually think a car that struggles massively with that (as you claim with your car) actually shouldn't be on a road or pass its MOT, personally.

callmeadoctor · 15/02/2018 09:02

You obviously aren't an overanxious parent as both you and your son are driving a potential death trap around!!! Please get your car serviced Shock

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 15/02/2018 09:13

The cover price was similar with all the major breakdown providers, it's based on age of car and location. Its also usually proprtionally cheaper to insure more than 1 vehicle but I only have 1 car.

My car is a fair bit smaller than a Fiesta and nearly twice the age of the car you describe so I don't think the comparison bears out. Plus the amount of weight in the car inevitably affects it's performance especially in a car that small. When I was driving my car with DP our combined weight is about 240kg. DS in a car with 2 friends, holdalls, etc will easily be 300kg or more. Which of course slows the car down even more.

OP posts:
dkb15164 · 15/02/2018 09:14

YANBU it's your car, paying for petrol does not equivalent to it being his car. You've even offered to pay his train fare, what's wrong with that? Sounds like he's acting like a spoilt brat, tell him to stop being so ungrateful to you. DP too needs to have a bit more consideration of your concerns too, he doesn't drive the car daily so how would he know how it runs. Hope they wisen up and your work problems get better too. Thanks

RB68 · 15/02/2018 09:23

1, I understand your concerns regarding motorway driving if he hasn't done any

  1. YABU in that he has been dual carriage way driving - get him to try and go at a less busy time though he has to do it sometime

With regard to car itself - get some to check tyres for air and tread - show him how - if you don't know bloody learn, do the oil and water and that should be enough if as others say it has an MOT and any noises etc have been investigated.

Remind him about the engine power and how if anything happens to the car he is likely to price himself out of insurance next year and also you can't afford to replace it.

SlothMama · 15/02/2018 09:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable, it's your car and it'll be you out of pocket if he crashes it.

He needs to learn some respect because it was my son screaming down the phone at me he'd get nowhere. I also wouldn't be paying for his train fare.

If he wants a car that he wants to take on the motorway then he needs to buy one.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2018 11:11

I'm sorry OP, but you said I know kids his age who have a lot less freedom... he is not a kid, he is an adult. (Even if he doesn't act like it by screaming at your down the phone.) Maybe it's time for him to buy his own car.

safariboot · 15/02/2018 11:53

That little underpowered Fiesta (1983 reg) coped perfectly well at overtaking lorries at 70mph.

My car is a fair bit smaller than a Fiesta and nearly twice the age of the car you describe so I don't think the comparison bears out.

This has to be an error right? Or are you saying your car is from the 1950s? If so then it's a deathtrap even if it's in perfect condition.

mum11970 · 15/02/2018 12:20

We, too, are very aware of accidents as we are in the accident repair business but this doesn’t make us overly cautious when it comes to our kids driving on a motorway.
The fact that your car is smaller than a Fiesta doesn’t mean it goes slower, engine capacity to weight ratio does make a difference. What car have you actually got? So far you’ve insinuated it’s about 60 years old and about the same size and engine capacity of a ride on mower, in fact my dad’s mower may be considerably safer. Sounds more and more like your son would be better off investing in a pair of roller skates instead.

italiancortado · 15/02/2018 12:27

How did we get from a 15 year old car to something twice the ages of a 35 year old car Shock

NerrSnerr · 15/02/2018 12:33

Is this your small car OP?

NerrSnerr · 15/02/2018 12:34

Agghhh, it won’t let me post pictures today Sad

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 15/02/2018 12:35

The pp was talking about driving their Fiesta as a 9 year old car. Presumably this was back in 1992 as they go on to say that it was made in 1983. I imagine they are not still driving that car now...

To quote from that post:

I got a little 1 litre Fiesta, about 9 years old, immaculate condition and low mileage...That little underpowered Fiesta (1983 reg) coped perfectly well at overtaking lorries at 70mph

My car is 15 years old, not 9, which is the age that posters car was at the time they bought it. It is smaller and older than a Fiesta, has a smaller engine and I suspect a lower top speed at the time of manufacture. Unlike that posters car it's not particularly low mileage (although it's mileage has averaged out a little since I've had it). It will also be carrying a heavier load.

Just to clarify also as per a pp, I already check the oil, tyre pressure, tread, etc as I've said previously.

OP posts:
SusannahL · 15/02/2018 12:54

Well I would also be very worried op and completely see your point of view.
I think a car which struggles to get to 70mph is dangerous on motorways. The thing is a young lad is not going to want to stay in the inside lane is he? He's going to want to pull out at some point into the middle lane, and then struggle to maintain the speed necessary to keep up with others.

I would definitely put my foot down and say no.

blastthatdog · 15/02/2018 13:09

Why don't you just reveal exactly what car you have? You keep saying how it's 15 years old and would struggle to do 70mph. Any 02 or 03 plate car car would easily do 70. Unless you have something really obscure like a kit car or something. Why be so coy about what actual car it is?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/02/2018 13:10

Every car on the road needs to be serviced regularly
Absolutely this.
My car is 14 years old and gets serviced every year.
Adds to the resale value as well.

But... I do NOT TYABU at all.
It was horrible when my DD did her first trip on the motorway.
She was driving about 4 hours.
I was worried the whole time until she called she got there.
It's scary when they branch out on their own.
But you do need to let them do it.
Knowing when, is the key.

safariboot · 15/02/2018 13:16

Ah, yes, I'm the one who was getting confused.

TableShack · 15/02/2018 13:16

You're being so weird about your car. Of course it can go on the motorway. Ours is 14 years old and it wouldn't even occur to me that motorways would be a problem. Your levels of anxiety are OTT, and it sounds like they are driving your DP and DS mad.

Allthecoolkids · 15/02/2018 13:24

WTF kind of car has been manufactured since the year 2000 that is incapable of driving on a motorway???

This is barmy. You may not think you’re being overprotective but you really, really are. This is more to do with your own hang ups around driving.

I’ve been driving over 20 years. He is NINETEEN. Let your ADULT son with his own driving licence go and visit his friend in the car you agreed to share.

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