Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:
CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 14:12

you should have saved the chutney and wrapped it back up for him....

Yes! Or buy him the same one.

Yogagirl123 · 13/02/2018 14:12

DH & I don’t bother with Valentines Day either, so commercialised. We show our love for each other every day without the need for gifts.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2018 14:14

DH and I only really do gifts for Christmas and Mother's/Father's Day. It evolved during our 'lean times' when we really couldn't afford splurges. Occasionally one of us will pop up with something for the other at some random time of the year that they've wanted 'just because' to show appreciation or tell the other to 'go ahead' on an expensive purchase because 'you deserve it'.

When we do give gifts Neither of us keeps track of 'value', we get what the other wants. This year for Xmas he got me a Shark vacuum because I wanted a new one. I got him some shirts he wanted. One year he got a new (expensive) tent. I got a basic rice cooker because it was what I wanted. I hate gift giving with 'who got the sugar rose on their piece of cake' mentality. It should be something you want, yes, but it shouldn't be a price = love competition.

I'm happy with 'our way' as it removes any pressure to 'perform'.

If your DH doesn't want to 'do' holidays/gifts, fine. That's his choice. By this time you know what he's like and he's not likely to change. Just as it's your choice to continue to give gifts when they are not reciprocated hoping he'll 'take the hint'. Personally I'd have given up long ago and saved my money.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 13/02/2018 14:14

Was the Radley watch your SiL got for Christmas a present from him?

OP, what else is going on in your marriage? What was it that stopped you from feeling that you couldn't say his present was crap, and even to go so far as to pretend that you were delighted? Bearing in mind that he's not crap at all presents, he manages when it's his family.

Do you need help with being assertive? There are some good resources on the net. Does his behaviour make you afraid of speaking up for yourself for fear of his reaction?

Masses of questions, sorry, but you need to think about them. This goes deeper than a yoga mat and a jar of chutney.

Lennythelion14 · 13/02/2018 14:15

Your husband might not be the romantic sort. Why not warn him in advance, that a special occasion is coming up and give him a list of what you would like and he can get you one or two items off it. It will still be a surprise in a way. Also are you expecting too much? My husband does small things that says he loves me.takes the rubbish out, runs to the shop to pick up milk at 6 am etc. Its the small gestures throughout the year not the big things.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/02/2018 14:15

There aren't enough details. I want to know:

  1. How does the DH react when he gets a gift and doesn't give one (or gives a chutney)
  2. is the cinema trip going ahead?
  3. how is it a known fact that he hasnt got a card or present if Valentines Day is tomorrow?
  4. has any kind of discussion ever taken place in which OP expresses her dissatisfaction with the presents?
Blackteadrinker77 · 13/02/2018 14:17

The running themes through both your threads seem to be that you feel his Mum is more important and you seem hung up on branded materialistic items.

Your Husband clearly isn't in to "Stuff" so I doubt you'll ever change that, you do need to speak to him about feeling second best though.

Personally I hate valentines and find it just for kids.

TalkinPeace · 13/02/2018 14:17

Give him the Chutney as a valentines gift.
Take the mat back

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/02/2018 14:17

Q3 partially answered be me re-reading the post. He said he hadn't got her anything but a card is still a possibility.

suzy2b · 13/02/2018 14:18

Your chutney was even mentioned on my local radio station

Qvar · 13/02/2018 14:19

I had a nasty bout of anxiety about a month ago. My partner took a day off work to help me clean the house to my internal "code" to help alleviate my anxiety. He helped me make a list, stuck to my list, instructed me to refer to my list when I got overwhelmed.

but he hasn't got me a Valentines card or a present. Does that mean that he doesn't love me, or that everything else he does is meaningless? I don't think so. I'm not keep on presents myself, I don't like buying them and can do without receiving them. This Christmas was great, we each spent £50 on ourselves and got what we wanted.

I don't think this is about presents, as such. I suspect, OP, that you have always shown love with presents, and to receive no present when you expect one is hurtful to you. You're buying him presents in the hope of prompting a return in 'love', but he doesn't care about these presents, and doesn't see them as love.

think about other ways he shows love. Does he say it? Does he try to be close to you and spend time, rather than money, with you? Does he do things for you, such as putting up shelves or tidying when he thinks you will like it?

DayKay · 13/02/2018 14:20

I’d much rather a trip to the cinema than a box of chicks for Valentine’s Day, as long as it’s a film I want to watch.
Go and have a nice time. On the way home, shove him into a shop and tell him to buy you flowers for tomorrow.

SendintheArdwolves · 13/02/2018 14:20

Personally, i don't care about valentine's day BUT if I had a partner who did, I would make an effort FOR THEM.

For example, my previous partner worked in the arts, and it is the custom to send cards for press night ( ie: when a new project has a performance which is open to the press and marks the 'official' start of the run). Anyway, the first time this happened, I didn't send him a card - it never crossed my mind I should. He was hurt, and said that he would really have appreciated a card. I nodded and the next press night, i forgot again. This time he accused me of doing it on purpose. i tried to explain that I just didn't see why it was necessary, but then I realised that was pointless - it didn't matter if I would mind it being the other way round, the point was it mattered to him.

Since then, I always sent a card. in fact, we have been split up for three years, but I haven't missed a press night. It matters to him.

norfolkenclue · 13/02/2018 14:20

You didn't tell him you hated the Christmas Chutney??? Seriously? In that case 💁‍♀️ I was actually really sympathetic that point...now...not so much!! You really need to grow a pair!

norfolkenclue · 13/02/2018 14:21

#until# that point!

SapphireChickenLover · 13/02/2018 14:22

My response would be to buy yourself something you’d really like, for yourself. I’ve done that at Christmas before, when my husband hasn’t bought or is not expected to buy me the thing I’d like, and it’s soa satisfying !
If you’re bothered about a card, buy that too ! Lol that will shame him 😀💕
It is upsetting when you aren’t shown this kindness, and s is the only problem, rectify it yourself, and have a stern word later. If this is one of many problems, have a good think about things, and wha5 you want from a relationship

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 14:23

Have you asked him why?

DH, why do you tend to buy me very inexpensive presents, and not organise things for our special occasions? I feel really sad when I think it doesn't matter to you. Have you asked your brother what he is getting SiL this year?

AgathaF · 13/02/2018 14:23

Get a refund for the yoga mat. Write the card to yourself and display it proudly. Answer no questions Grin.

starryeyed19 · 13/02/2018 14:25

Every time I read one of these threads and people bang on about how it doesn't matter, I get the rage. It may not matter to you but it does to the OP. How fucking hard is it to buy some chocolate? Or a card?

It's utter BS. He's just doing that whole "Aw, shucks" thing so you'll let him off the hook. Buy yourself something nice and tell him to get to fuck. And don't you DARE remind him about his mother's birthday. He can sort it all out himself.

Seriously, fuck those people. If you know that something like this is important to your OH, why not spend £2 on a card? What's wrong with you?

Ihatemarmite123 · 13/02/2018 14:25

If I hadn't read this thread I would have completely forgotten about it

speakout · 13/02/2018 14:27

I'm like your DH. I don't do Valentines Day. I don't want to have a materialistic idea of romance foisted on me every February 14th. It's a money-making scheme - nothing more. There is nothing romantic about being made to feel you have to buy something.

This x 100.

Lennythelion14 · 13/02/2018 14:27

Also we don't do birthdays or xmas me and my husband,but as i said it's the small gestures. My personal belief is women read far too much into this sort of thing. Oh, he didn't get me a big fancy item or hasn't done a big gesture, he can't possibly love me etc. Usually men aren't into romantic stuff and if you been together a long time, you can't keep it up. How many pairs of diamond earrings etc do you need? How many big gestures of love do you need? If hes kind, loving, loyal and helps out as needed what more do you want? It's the thought that counts too.

lurkingnotlurking · 13/02/2018 14:28

I remember the chutney thread. I can't believe that after all that advice on here that you still pretended you liked it. And your £3 knock-off Molton brown (any good? Oh you haven't tried it...). Your problem is communication. It seems only your children have any idea that he upsets you. Talk to him. And if that doesn't work, hand him his yoga mat shredded into a plastic bag and say 'that's how you make me feel'. But do something other than complain on here.

Motoko · 13/02/2018 14:30

DH & I don’t bother with Valentines Day either, so commercialised. We show our love for each other every day without the need for gifts.

And? My DH and I show our love for each other every day too, and he's had to become my carer and do far more than most husbands. Yet, he will give me a card tomorrow and a small, thoughtful gift of something that he knows I'll like. Same with birthdays and Christmas.

But OP's husband can't be arsed, even though he can when it comes to his mum.

OP, I saw your other thread. I have to agree with others, that if you're not going to address this with him, it's not going to change. Speak to him, he's your husband, you should be able to tell him, and if you can't, perhaps you need to think about whether this relationship should be re-evaluated.

And stop buying him gifts. Take the yoga mat back for a refund and spend the money on yourself.

tillytrotter1 · 13/02/2018 14:30

I got a Terry's chocolate orange, which he knows I loathe, for my 50th birthday, we laughed, he's useless at presents. One Christmas we each bought our own, wrapped it and the 'surprise' was in what we were giving, not receiving, worked really well too.
BTW for my 60th I got a digital SLR so my face must have said something!