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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:
mumpoints · 13/02/2018 13:33

His mum probably goes ballistic if he doesn't get her anything, you say little.

Be the angry one and it will be you he remembers.

Mumsymcmumface · 13/02/2018 13:34

Meh

Some people do presents, and “days” like birthdays and Valentine’s Day (vomit) and some people don’t.

We don’t in this house. It’s so much easier than being forced into buying some tat people don’t really want or need.

Doesn’t sound like he does these things , hey ho, I am sure the lure of a card on a certain day every year isn’t the only thing that attracted you to him.

Plenary of bloke who are horrible partners and husbands will be over compensating with gifts and shows of extravagance tomorrow - I know which type of bloke I would rather have

MagicFajita · 13/02/2018 13:34

I bet the chutney isn't looking so bad nowWink

Forgive me , bad joke.

I do remember your Xmas thread and agree that there seems to be a theme of him disregarding your feelings/desires. If he knows that Valentine's day means something to you then he should at least get a you a card and a rose/box of chocs.

Personally I'd withold or return the yoga mat , he's not making an effort for you so why should you do so for him?

Caroelle · 13/02/2018 13:34

Go on Amazon, chose what you want, get it delivered tomorrow. Pay for gift wrapping and a note saying ‘you light up my life everyday’. Thank him and say that you are so thrilled, and it’s nice to see that he has changed his ways. And watch him going mad as he tries to work it out.....

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/02/2018 13:35

It still says more than forgetting your wife but remembering your mum.

You're seriously equating the generic nonsense of Valentines Day with his own mother's birthday?

SugarPlumFerry · 13/02/2018 13:35

Go to Tesco. Buy chocolate. Then unwrap the yoga mat and lay on it while you eat them.

Grin

And write out the lovely card to yourself.

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 13:35

ShowMe

You and he obviously have very different views of Valentines Day. One person isn't right over the other - you're just different. You need to respect his choice not to engage with it.

But it's not Valentine's Day is it? It's a recurring thing in OP's marriage, with Christmas, Valentines (and I'm guessing birthdays too).

If my husband remembered my MIL's birthday but not important events for me, I would be hurt too. (Unless we have specifically agreed not to observe those occasions, which it doesn't sound like OP has with her H).

He is selfish and mean too.

PinkHeart5914 · 13/02/2018 13:36

It still says more than forgetting your wife but remembering your mum

Yes it says he remembers the woman that gave birth to him, on her birthday! I don’t really think his mothers birthday and Valentine’s Day are the same tbh

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 13:36

You're seriously equating the generic nonsense of Valentines Day with his own mother's birthday?

I bet he doesn't remember OP's birthday.

BrightonBollock · 13/02/2018 13:36

All commercial poop.

practisingagain · 13/02/2018 13:38

My DH and I don't do Valentine's Day but do show each we love each other at other times... real kindnesses are more valuable than those dictated from outside.
If you're missing those however it's harder.
It feels a little like because you're feeling a bit neglected you are clinging on to outside reasons he should remember you as maybe there is little else sign of his affection. How about trying tonne affectionate and generous towards him once a month or a week... an organised night out, time or small gifts or meals or something that he would notice was special and see if you can inspire him to reciprocate.
Or maybe just ask? DH I love you but feel you don't show ever that you love me not even as much as your mum would it be too much to ask for a little attention/affection??? I'm not good at asking but feels like you need a chat.... is this a stale marriage that needs a re-vamp I can't believe you really stake so much on silly V day?? Or has he actually left the marriage without. Telling you and you're trying to get him back it don't know how??

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 13:38

Why is husband mum's birthday more important than Valentine's Day if that's important to OP?

I don't care about Valentine's Day except for half price chocolates but if it was important to me, I would expect DH to remember.

practisingagain · 13/02/2018 13:39

Like the idea of sending something to yourself with a romantic message??

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:40

Regarding the chutney gift, if anyone remembers that, on Christmas morning I bravely unwrapped it and tried to smile. He also bought me the £2.99 Superdrug version of the Moulton Brown gift he'd got his mum. He even asked my daughter if she thought I'd like it. They are still sitting on my bathroom sill. I got the chutneys out for the guests we had on Christmas evening.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 13:41

And the other thing I see is that on these threads, the H almost always loves being made a fuss of on his birthday and Christmas but doesn't think his wife deserves the same consideration!

It's completely shot, and yet so many put up with it and keep doling out presents and cards and chocolates with the vague hope that the man will change.

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 13:41

Shit not shot!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/02/2018 13:42

OP could you say something to him like "for my birthday I'd really like such a thing", and for Christmas and Valentines Day too? It's a lot easier giving each other ideas. You knew he wanted the yoga mat so he must have told you that. Do you suggest things to him or just hope he'll get you something you like?

practisingagain · 13/02/2018 13:42

My DH would definitely notice

Olddear · 13/02/2018 13:43

well after I'd got chutney for Christmas, I would've taken the hint tbh. Take the mat back and treat yourself to something nice.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/02/2018 13:43

I think if DH bought me something for VD I’d think he was having an affair.

whiskyowl · 13/02/2018 13:43

"One person isn't right over the other - you're just different. You need to respect his choice not to engage with it."

Or he could respect her choice to engage with it?

Why does OP have to be the one to give way?

Greensleeves · 13/02/2018 13:44

What happened about the chutney? Didn't he buy you something else as well? I have wondered about it far more than is healthy Blush

I would be hurt too, I know it's all a horrible commercialised scam yadda yadda, but dh and I take the opportunity to give each other silly things that show we still love each other (not that we don't know that, but it's lovely to celebrate it). It's dh's birthday on Valentine's day and I sometimes get cross with him because he's made more fuss of me for Valentine's day than I have for his birthday! Not this year though, Ive got him a fitbit so I know he'll be on cloud nine. I have bought separate cards for his birthday and Valentine's as well.

Poor show from your dh. Is he loving in other ways? Does he generally take you for granted? Flowers

gillybeanz · 13/02/2018 13:44

You sound as though you both have present incompatibility Grin
Just talk to him and tell him what you expect regarding presents.
Look at why they mean that much to you and why it upsets you so much.

I don't think me and dh have ever given cards and gifts for valentine's day, rarely we buy each other for any other occasions.
Some people find it very false to have to be told that somebody loves them on a certain day, rather than all year round, too.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/02/2018 13:45

Why does OP have to be the one to give way?

Because not-buying is passive and buying is active. Thus not-buying (ie not engaging with the nonsense that is Valentines Day) wins.

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 13:45

I think if DH bought me something for VD I’d think he was having an affair.

Just remembered that VD is also the acronym for venereal disease!

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