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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheViceOfReason · 13/02/2018 14:01

OP - if you desperately want the v-day OTT crap ask yourself why?

Because you dearly and desperately want a small teddy bear holding a "I

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/02/2018 14:01

OP please be honest - would you have been happy with a box of chocs and a card for Valentines Day? Or would you have been disappointed?

He wanted to take you out to the cinema today - are you going to go or have you said you don't want to?

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2018 14:01

Totally agree with TheVice

And thanks for the reminder OP

ChaosNeverRains · 13/02/2018 14:01

IME the more fuss people make on Valentine’s Day the more shit their relationship generally is but they need to convince themselves and others how in love they all still are.

If he’s generally disregarding of your feelings then IMO this does need addressing, but I wouldn’t use Valentines as the time to do it because Valentines is superficial so the point may well be lost then.

TheViceOfReason · 13/02/2018 14:02

Cheery - i know - but the same applies. The OP is using V day as a measure of love, not the fabric of her marriage.

PinkHeart5914 · 13/02/2018 14:02

I didn't tell him I hated the Christmas gifts Well OP this is your problem then isn’t it? If for years you’ve never said when he got something you didn’t like or told him how much remembering stuff like valentines means how did you ever expect things to change? Confused

You either speak up or stop moaning about it, becuase he sure as hell isn't going to just change 🤷🏻‍♀️

Terftastic · 13/02/2018 14:03

Keep the yoga mat for yourself.

Take up yoga.

Be better at it than him.

Grin
Terftastic · 13/02/2018 14:04

Also - hide the yoga mat.

Never let him use it - you don't want stinky man-feet all over it.

Greensleeves · 13/02/2018 14:04

Its really hard to tell someone you hated their gift though. I would struggle to do it. Easy to talk up a storm on here, but to actually tell someone face to face, someone you love, that the present they bought you was a shitty anti-climax - ouch

kaitlinktm · 13/02/2018 14:04

Well fancy not telling him! Do you want to be given chutney every year?

MontyPythonsFlyingFuck · 13/02/2018 14:06

Echoing PPs, why on earth did you spend MORE of your money and your energy on acquiring a nice card and present for him for Valentine's Day after he gave you such a rubbish Christmas present?

Seriously. He's not a mind reader. Buy yourself a present and get the money from him, or give him a link to an Amazon wishlist, and tell him that you thought your Christmas "present" was frankly mean and made you feel awful.

SheSellSeaShells · 13/02/2018 14:07

you should have saved the chutney and wrapped it back up for him....

TheNoseyProject · 13/02/2018 14:07

Why oh why did you put a brave face on? That’s just silly. Just say ‘Oi, how come you get your family thoughtful and pricey gifts but not me? I’m your family too and it hurts to see you put thought into their presents did not mine.’ And follow up with ‘it’s valentines tomorrow so luckily for you you still have time!’

Megs4x3 · 13/02/2018 14:07

If it's expected it's not really a present is it? I understand that there are underlying issues here of expectations and thoughtfulness, but there must be another way of dealing with this other than 'all or nothing'. OP can change her own behaviour but not his. Maybe it's time to just give a token gift herself and to focus on the other things upsetting her like what she considers ongoing thoughtlessness and lack of respect. No point in spending time, energy and money on someone who doesn't appreciate it either. DH isn't demanding a VD gift is he? I don't know where it's going to end. There's an event demanding gifts and cards almost every month. Some children now get Easter baskets full of toys and sweets rather than the traditional chocolate egg.To be honest, I'd far rather have a trip to the cinema than flowers or a box of chocolates, even if it has to accommodate work so be in the afternoon, but I know I'm me and not the OP.

TallyBram · 13/02/2018 14:08

Actually, I don't care about VD and never did. I remember telling that all my boyfriends not to buy me anything and I never bought nothing as well. If you buy something just because you should, because everyone does...is that pleasant?
pay for writing a poem, if you still consider that a necessity.

midnightmisssuki · 13/02/2018 14:08

why do you need a day to 'celebrate' love though? And a care and chocolates - not exactly a way to say 'i love you' though is it? You both clearly have different views of Valentines day - i dont care for it and ive told my husband to not buy me anything - everything is so expensive and is usually half price the next day! Plus the flowers just die in the end. Sad

What is your relationship like OP - is he thoughtful on the other occasions (birthday and anniversaries etc?) If this bothers you that much - maybe you need to tell him your expectations and go from there.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 13/02/2018 14:08

And it's his mum's birthday in a week and I just know he won't forget to post her something. I am so fed up with it.

I don't think this is even about presents tbh, it's the fact he's clearly capable of putting time and effort into choosing gifts which make the people in his life feel appreciated and special to him, but doesn't do that for you.

I'd feel shit too, tbh.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/02/2018 14:09

You don't really need to be a mind reader though, to know that chutney is a crap Christmas present to get your wife.

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 14:10

Greensleeves

You don't have to say you 'hate it' or it's a 'shitty anti-climax' though do you?

You just say 'This isn't really my thing and I don't think I'll use it. I do like x and y though.'

It shouldn't be hard to say that to your H.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/02/2018 14:10

you should have saved the chutney and wrapped it back up for him....

Hahaha that's bloody inspired

BarbaraofSevillle · 13/02/2018 14:10

^Valentines day is the biggest load of crap out. Either someone shows you they love and care for you EVERY DAY or not at all.

Buying a £3 card and a box of chocolates of overpriced bunch of supermarket flowers once a year does not demonstrate love.

My personal opinion is that generally couples who go OTT on v-day, or those who are devastated when they don't get a gift are those who are in relationships which are struggling and insecure.

Every year my boss gets the office manager to order a super expensive bunch of flowers for his wife - which are immediately put on FB by her amid much cutesy crap. I'd personally rather he wasn't such a moan the other 364 days of the year.

I know my DH loves me - he's always there for me, gets up before the crack of dawn in all weathers to help me with the horses, and takes parcels to the post office when i can't be arsed. That's love. Not £30 of half dead roses, cheap chocolate and a garish card^

^^ This, x1000. And does your boss get the office manager to send his wife flowers, because he loves and adores her, or is it because she’ll bend his ear if he doesn’t?

PinkHeart5914 · 13/02/2018 14:10

Its really hard to tell someone you hated their gift though Well it doesn’t have to be you don’t have to do it in a spiteful or nasty way and I think when your in a relationship with somebody you should be able to say, I mean you are grown ups

In the past I’ve got dh shirts that I thought would really suit him ( most times I get it right) but on trying them on he disagreed and didn’t think they suited him so he just said that he appreciated the effort but they unfortunately didn't suit him and he wondered if it would be ok to change them- Fine with me

DH got me a necklace in the early days of our realtionship so he didn’t know me all that well at that stage and unfortunately the necklace wasn’t my style, was just a bit too bold for me so I told him it was a lovely thought and very generous but it wasn’t me- He was fine we changed the necklace to a different one no bother.

ClosdesMouches · 13/02/2018 14:11

OP, can you acknowledge the posts telling you it's not Valentine's Day today? It's tomorrow.
Your H bringing this up today could be highly relevant. Is he aware that Day is tomorrow?

mimibunz · 13/02/2018 14:11

Does he feel embarrassed when you get him something nice and he doesn’t reciprocate? I don’t understand the dynamic here.

bluebells1 · 13/02/2018 14:11

I think you deserve this, OP. You had an opportunity to tell him how you feel but you chose to come here and moan about it.