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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 14/02/2018 09:51

I'm also wondering why you just don't end it ?

justilou1 · 14/02/2018 10:05

Bet he sent the card to his mummy.

Katedotness1963 · 14/02/2018 10:12

Yesterday my husband bought doughnuts and made sure to get one of my favourite flavour. Today I got roses. Just because we celebrate Valentine's Day it doesn't mean there's no love, effort or appreciation on other days of the year. And we manage this after 36 years together!

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/02/2018 10:12

Im thinking about divorce now!

OP posts:
xLeanne128 · 14/02/2018 10:14

A present and a card doesn't show love... me and my husband have never done Valentine's day/christmas/birthdays we put money into our house instead or go on date night's. I would rather have quality time and feel loved than recieve gifts mybe theres an underlying issue. Goodluck OP x

SummerRoberts · 14/02/2018 10:22

So you're considering divorcing a man because you pretended you liked the Christmas gift he gave you so he knows no different and because he didn't give you anything the day before Valentine's Day?

There's got to be more to this? Is he mean in other ways? Lots of people have asked but you don't answer OP.

DaisyLand · 14/02/2018 10:22

@lilypoppet now? By the look of your history you've been thinking about it for ages... why havent you done it yet only you know. Hope it's not cuz of your H doesnt buy you presents up to your like.

My bday was a few days ago, DH got me nothing at all, did it annoy me? Maybe a little but to be honest I did appreciate much more that the following day when I was told by the hospital I had to stay over the night for some problems he run to be next to me and spent that day and day after by me.

Not sure what the problem in your relationship is, whether it's more than the presents, but I wonder like other PPs why havent you proceeded with the divorce and why you expect some VD presents when there are problems in your relationship, wouldnt it be better to fix them one way or another rather than focusing whether he's bought you some present for such a "market monopolized" day?

grannytomine · 14/02/2018 10:27

It just sucks the joy out of the occasion. There doesn't sound like a lot of joy in your relationship to start off with. You seem determined to be offended and miserable. If you are that unhappy why not move on?

whiskyowl · 14/02/2018 10:30

"A present and a card doesn't show love... me and my husband have never done Valentine's day/christmas/birthdays we put money into our house instead or go on date night's. I would rather have quality time and feel loved than recieve gifts mybe theres an underlying issue."

I suspect it's different for different people. DH and I haven't done birthdays/Christmas/V-day for the last 6 months because we are having major building work done and all our money is going into that. I do feel quite down about it. Our lives seem to have been reduced to buying things like taps and it's a bit depressing, like everything has become this instrumental 'investment in the house' with no room for fun or joy.

Motoko · 14/02/2018 10:32

There's got to be more to this?

Well of course there is! OP said in one of her old posts that he's verbally abusive, and that marriage counselling didn't work, so things must have been bad for quite a while if they'd gone to marriage counselling.

xLeanne128 · 14/02/2018 10:33

That's fair enough @whiskyowl but we still have plenty of fun we go out together atleast once a week and have holidays together. Defo not no presents or doing up a house = no fun. I just think in this case there's more to it than presents

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/02/2018 10:40

Are you telling your daughter about this?

happiestcamper · 14/02/2018 10:40

For what its worth I quite like chutney Confused but I once got a fruit bowl for mothers day

whiskyowl · 14/02/2018 10:42

Yes, but what I'm trying to say, I guess, is that gift-giving is a powerful thing with symbolic meaning that goes beyond a mere exchange of objects. That's why anthropologists have written so much about the ways that gift exchange can tell you about societies, I guess! It's not inevitably superficial or vain to want to exchange presents; for some people, it's part of a ritual of demonstrating attentiveness and care, and bonding. Not everyone fees that way - clearly you don't - and there's nothing wrong with that. But the view that women who care about present exchange are somehow being grabby or materialistic is also reductive and simplistic.

I think "fun" is a mindset, too. We go out many times a week, but it doesn't feel fun at the moment. At all.

floriad · 14/02/2018 10:47

but I once got a fruit bowl for mothers day

That sounds nice :) !

We tend to get a huge fruit basked (full with kumquats, clementines, passion fruits, physallis, lychees, pineapples and all the other good stuff I'm usually too lazy to buy) every Christmas. I love it. (And the lychees are mine Wink )

Anyhow, the issue is the OP and her DH not communicating.

Now he's offended, the daughter was apparently informed / put in the middle of it, the OP feels disrespected... Sounds genuinely shitty.

Not everyone cares about valentine's day or the materialistic aspect of it.

So these are things couples should talk about.

Honkyzeke · 14/02/2018 10:52

There's either way more to this than is being told or it's a massive wind-up!
OP's reply's suggest the latter to me.

Pfftkids · 14/02/2018 11:02

Sounds like you thrive on drama Op.

Cut the guy some slack. Make a romantic meal and have a nice night together. You'll enjoy that more than huffing all night

ScarlettsMummyx · 14/02/2018 11:05

Op I saw on an old thread from you, you just had a baby in the summer is that correct? That can definetly cause stress in a relationship, don’t rush to divorce over the fact that he isn’t good at buying gifts.
I really think you need to have a proper conversation about your relationship. X

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 14/02/2018 11:06

Morning OP. Happy Valentine's Day! Still no word on the half a dozen requests to give some long term context to your relationship? Never mind eh?

Your one liners; 'thinking about divorce now.' 'Daughter says he got me a card' (you're not seriously putting her through all of this I haven't got a caaaaaard are you'?) are designed to keep people reading and to keep slagging your DH off. You obviously need that in your life.

I can't see that he has done anything wrong. He must have the patience of a bloody saint. Saint Valentine?

I'm out. Carry on enjoying yourself!

RealityHasALiberalBias · 14/02/2018 11:06

It's obviously a wind up. OP knows exactly how to ruffle the mumsnet feathers and keep a ridiculous thread going by dropping in the odd bit of absurdity - "I'd have loved a rose", "I'm thinking about divorce!" - instead of actually engaging.

If it is for real, then she's bloody hard work and I feel sorry for the husband. OP is expecting him to conform to a load of commercialised bollocks about the notion of romance by presenting her, unbidden, with over-priced tat. He's not the Milk Tray man. No-one is.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 14/02/2018 11:30

If it is for real, then she's bloody hard work and I feel sorry for the husband

Yep.

eloisesparkle · 14/02/2018 11:40

OP in your 2016 posts you were considering divorce. Is it the same man ?
I said to my dh I'd prefer to get a little gift ( a candle I'd love but can't justify buying) instead of wasting money on overpriced roses which he usually buys unless I suggest something else. In the past I have said I'd rather buy flowers every so often instead of a big, mega expensive bouquet on Valentine's Day.
He does try, bless him.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/02/2018 11:44

A friend has just posted on Instagram a huge bouquet of roses her husband gave her urggggh

OP posts:
ScarlettsMummyx · 14/02/2018 11:50

Who cares about a bunch of flowers?! Is it really such a big deal? There’s more to life

GabsAlot · 14/02/2018 11:51

its made up to get you to spend money

if your basing yor whole relationship on what presents you get then i think you are the one with the problem

if its more than that then yes leave