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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:
Honkyzeke · 14/02/2018 08:43

I did tell him how I feel. (Although I didn't mention the chutney gift)

So you still haven't told him about how you were disappointed at Christmas!! What have you told him then??

I suppose I was hoping for something that made up for Christmas

How is he supposed to know you haven't told him Christmas was a disappointment!!

Honkyzeke · 14/02/2018 08:44

Bold fail!! Grin

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 08:46

Of course he’s got the jump and is offended, you’ve pulled him up in how disrespectful he’s being. It isn’t about VD or gifts or cards, it’s the fact he puts so little effort into YOU! I’d be fuming tbh after this and the Christmas gift. You could try being passive aggressive and not do anything for him but I doubt that would even register with him. You need to pull him up on all this. I get his mum does and that’s why she gets the effort

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 08:46

Hump not jump

HollyBayTree · 14/02/2018 08:47

You know, I have an ex collegue on FB, her posts always link in her 'D'H, thank you for this, thank you for that, accompanied with wonderful flowers and gifts. Except I happen to know he beats her shitless. And her perfect life with pretty baubles is just front for a miserable existance.

So again OP, and I will keep asking - other than being utterly useless at buying presents - is your DH a generally decent and loving man man?

halfacup · 14/02/2018 08:48

I don't think I have missed the point. You are unhappy with your husbands gift giving. Until now you had not told him how you felt. Now you have told him he is in a huff. Maybe he is upset you had not mentioned it before. He might not have even realised it matters that much to you.

NoSquirrels · 14/02/2018 08:50

every one said tell him how you feels, so I did and the result was he was offended

Because you did it in a strop, mentioning gifts he gave you at Christmas that as far as he knew you were happy with. And you brought his mum into it!

The trip to see his Mum for her birthday shouldn’t have anything to do with Valentines Day. You said yourself he probably won’t send her a gift, but he’s driving to see her and will take her for a meal.

He offered you a trip out to the cinema. You’d already planned half the day anyway, and he can’t have a late night - you could go another day, have a nice evening together but you’re mad about the offer!

He’s clearly not a gift-giver. And you know that, because chutney-gate wasn’t even the first thread you started on his gifts - I think the Christmas before you’d moaned too.

You can’t change him to “want to want” to give you gifts. He clearly doesn’t care about gifts. So stop choosing him thoughtful stuff, agree together you’ll not bother too much but perhaps he could take you shopping fir each occasion to choose something.

Have a reasonable grown-up reaction and conversation about it, rather than stamping your feet like a 15 year old and expecting him to be a mind reader.

You said NOTHING about chutney for your Christmas gift!

Ginslinger · 14/02/2018 08:53

as lots of other people have said, this isn't about gifts per se, it's about how he behaves towards you. You do need to discuss things with him - if you continue 'being brave' when opening presents that you feel don't have any thought behind them then he will never understand. You're behaving in a slightly martyrish way. and I speak as the woman who had to tell her DH to stop buying a particular cosmetic that I NEVER use because I did the brave thing the first time I unwrapped it and so he thought he'd done a good thing and continued to buy it a couple of more times until I said enough. That was over 30 years ago.

bluebells1 · 14/02/2018 08:53

OP you are a serial moaner and you hate not being the victim. So enjoy your shit gifts and moans.

Honkyzeke · 14/02/2018 08:54

He might not have even realised it matters that much to you.

Has it ever occurred to you that because you never mention your disappointment he just thinks your not bothered about gifts?

Tablesturned · 14/02/2018 08:54

I don’t think this is just about the presents is it? You sound generally very unhappy.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/02/2018 08:58

There has been a development. My daughter says he bought me a valentine's card a week.ago and she helped him choose it. I wonder why he didn't give it to me?

OP posts:
happiestcamper · 14/02/2018 09:00

I take back my earlier post. I did get a card. One made on a piece of scrap paper and coloured in with the kids gel pens. PRICELESS. Love isn't cards and gifts OP but I think you know this and this is the tip of the iceberg.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/02/2018 09:00

Op, from your postings it sounds like you actively avoid conflict and so you come across as a bit of a martyr/ passive aggressive. Of course he was offended - you can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs. Plus, he's probably not used to you being honest, seeing as you avoid conflict. It will have come as a surprise to him. It doesn't mean you were given bad advice here, or that you shouldn't have told him how you felt. If it was me, I'd speak to him when your guards are both down and you're more relaxed, tell him in a non threatening way that it's not just about Valentine's Day, but a perceived lack of effort for you on other significant occasions.

If I'd received chutney for Christmas and my sil turned up with a Radley watch on, I'd have made a joke out of it and said "see, dh, that's what I call a present if you're in any doubt about what to get me in future!"

Several pp have asked what he's like in general but you haven't responded. I can only assume that as you sound so deeply unhappy, your marriage is not generally a happy one.

For context, dh and i exchanged cards today. He's going to judo tonight. He forgot our anniversary last year and has form for forgetting his family's birthdays. But he's lovely all the time. He buys me flowers sometimes for no other reason than he saw them and thought of me. He pulls his weight around the house and with the kids. He tells me he loves me, regularly, and that I look awesome - even when I know I look like shit. You don't need a special day to be romantic, so what's your dh like for the other 364 days of the year (363 if you exclude Christmas - chutney is indeed a shit present)?

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/02/2018 09:01

Perhaps he was planning on giving it to you later on, before the cinema or something.

NoSquirrels · 14/02/2018 09:04

You sound as if you feel you are low down in his priorities, after his family.

But that’s a relationship issue, nit a shit gifts issue, because in a healthy relationship it really, really doesn’t matter what you get on Valentines Day or for Christmas.

My DH likes to buy gifts - and sometimes I do wonder WTF he was thinking and would prefer the money to be spent on something else! Sometimes he forgets (neither of us have managed a card today). Sometimes he needs a prod if I want something specific. Sometimes he’s clueless that I’d spend on £2.99 Superdrug bubble bath for myself but might prefer Neal’s Yard, or whatever, as a gift.

But if your relationship is otherwise healthy none of this matters at all.

Beelzebop · 14/02/2018 09:04

A bit harsh, but shouldn't you be grateful to be with him? If it is the presents that are the only problem?

HarveyKietelRabbit · 14/02/2018 09:05

You didn't tell him how you felt though did you? You didn't say after Christmas that you felt hurt and you would appreciate more thoughtfulness.

You waited till the next 'test' situation, he 'failed' again and then you told him you 'don't know what his Mums secret is because she does nothing' (I presume you mean does nothing for him). Oozing jealousy towards his Mum when you've already said he bought her the same bath gift set as you for Christmas.

I'd be fucked off with your response if I was him too.

HollyBayTree · 14/02/2018 09:06

My daughter says he bought me a valentine's card a week.ago and she helped him choose it. I wonder why he didn't give it to me?

probably cant get past the smoke from the burning martyr

HarveyKietelRabbit · 14/02/2018 09:08

Did you daughter just mention this or were you complaining to her about her Dad?

eloisesparkle · 14/02/2018 09:08

OP Is this the same man you were considering divorcing in other threads you have started or is he a new partner ?

KERALA1 · 14/02/2018 09:12

Just saw that you are "not speaking" to him. Are you a sulker op?

TBH am veering more towards feeling sorry for him than you but then I cannot bear adult women who are passive aggressive ( martyr type behaviour and sulking are classics) rather than clear about what they want. Presumably you are over 21?

mikeyssister · 14/02/2018 09:12

OP I think I understand where you're coming from. It's not the actual gift, it's the fact he cares enough to get you something you really want (it doesn't have to cost a fortune) because you feel he doesn't show he cares the rest of the time.

DH and I don't do gifts for Valentines or cards. I don't think we did Christmas cards this year, but we both show each other how we feel. DH bought me a cup fo tea in bed this morning as he left for work. It was special because I know we had run out of my milk yesterday, so either last night after I went to bed or first thing this morning he went to the shop to buy some.

So you have to ask yourself, does he show his feelings for you in other ways.

Does he:
Make you tea every morning even though he doesn't have to
Offer you his jacket if you're out together and you're cold
Carry your shopping because your back is sore
Empty the bins when it's raining even though it's "your" job
Buy you a bunch of flowers because he knows you're feeling down
etc etc etc

There's so many different ways your DH can show you he loves you that don't mean conforming to a commercially driven celebration. Is Valentines Day important because he never shows he loves you or because society dictates?

HateTheDF · 14/02/2018 09:12

It is only just Valentines Day, my DP left the house this morning with a kiss and an I love you but no card. There may be one later, there may not but it's only one day.

It sounds like your relationship has a load more problems regarding his gift giving and showing you that he loves you. You've made a good first move but you need to continue it and be honest with him.

He may just be a bad gift giver, I've got to admit that I'm one of those and I really struggle getting gifts for the people I love even though I really do want to show them how much they mean to me.

TriniRedVelvet · 14/02/2018 09:13

HollyBayTree

My daughter says he bought me a valentine's card a week.ago and she helped him choose it. I wonder why he didn't give it to me?

Well you didn't give him a chance to. You came on here pouting and then confronted him and all this happened BEFORE Valentine's Day. Now he's annoyed so probably won't give it to you til later....lets you stew for a bit.

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