No Valentine gift not even a card.

[lilypoppet]

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

That sounds odd. Again, communicate. Ask him why he bought a card if he had no intention to give it to you.
You can only make this situation better if you’re both proactive. Do your part and see if he does his.
Communication and action is required on both parts.

Honestly, I don't get you. You sound like a born martyr who feels best when the injured party, a long-suffering wife whose husband just neglects her.
If you mind it, tell him. Did you mention it to him? Did you tell him you really really despised the idea of a chutney? Or do you just rejoice in yet another "kick from the unjust life"?
I remember the thread and it looks like you just let it lie. Sounds like being a martyr is your comfort zone.

Instead of waiting til the actual day had passed before moaning...when we said talk to him we didn't mean right then. At least wait and see what you get before moaning about it.

Apart from gift buying what is he like as a partner OP? Is he kind and loving in other ways?
Me and my partner of 8 years don’t do valentines gifts and don’t get each other much for other occasions, we are skint! But we show that we love each other in other ways.

My husband never remembers Valentines Day, he barely knows when Christmas is and doesn't know when my birthday is. Last year I gave birth one week before my birthday and he forgot about it. So instead I treat myself - you have to look after yourself!

The older I've got, the less I care about gifts. That goes for birthdays and Christmas as well. If there's something I want, I'll buy it for myself.

It's the little things every day that build relationships. Not Insta-worthy shows of affection.

It’s just Valentine’s Day today so maybe he was going to give you the card later

Oozing jealousy towards his Mum when you've already said he bought her the same bath gift set as you for Christmas.

No, he bought his mum a Molten Brown gift set, but he got OP a £2.99 Superdrug knock off version.

Look, he bought you a card a week ago (he cares)

He said he’d not got you “anything” i.e. a gift and offered you a trip to the cinema instead of a present (he tried to show you he cares)

He’s working and you’re off on a day trip so cinema needed to fit in to a slot - but you threw it back in his face as “half-hearted”.

Well he picked up on how annoyed I was and I told him i don't know what his mother's secret is because she does nothing, I said he doesn't seem to want to bother to engage with me

You didn’t say “Oh DH, I’d love some flowers or chocolates instead”. You got huffy, he had to “pick up on it”, then you threw his mum in there for good measure. He accused you of picking a fight - which is true, really!

Then he didn’t give you the card this morning because you’re arguing.

You’ve shot yourself in the foot by not discussing how the presents and gift-giving make you feel way before now, and now it’s blown out of all proportion.

I’m sorry you feel hurt by it all, but I think you need to see you have contributed to this.

Nosquirrels has hit it on the head x 1000. Talk without being stroppy, don't bring his mother into it and stop being a marytr. Oh poor little me etc. If you've never brought it up before, he's going to be angry, quite rightfully too. All this time hes thought you've happy with his tokens of love and appreciation. A cinema trip is a good thing, meal afterwards, lovely.better than a rubbish teddy and a cheapo card.

ScarlettsMummyx

Apart from gift buying what is he like as a partner

OP has been asked this many times on this thread and has not answered it. Probably because if he is otherwise lovely she won't have the pity she is seeking

He didn't give it to you because you've changed the goalposts in a strop rather than having calm sensible discussions well before the occasion and he still didn't know this has been a problem for a long time. You haven't even told him about the chutney.
If however he is a general arse in everyday life then this may be a more deep seated problem, but we don't know because you haven't answered that question, despite it being asked a lot of times.

I didn't see the Christmas post but did you tell him then that gifts would mean a lot to you?

It's pretty obvious to me that their relationship isn't good, otherwise OP would have spoken to him about this long before now. They've been together a few years at least, because they have a daughter whose opinion he asks.

Somebody else has mentioned that OP has posted threads about getting divorced, so his lack of giving nice gifts is just the tip of the iceberg.

A rose would have been lovely

I would find it mortifying, being presented with a single rose. Cringe! Maybe your DH doesn't know that's what you'd like? Again, he's not a mind reader.

You say it's unromantic to say what you want for presents. I'm getting a bottle of my favourite perfume for my birthday because I opened my mouth and communicated to my spouse that that is what I want. So when Christmas comes around, say "do you know what I'd love for Christmas this year? Such and such". Or prepare to receive another chutney. Stop being a martyr to the cause and just communicate properly with your husband. You're now not speaking to each other over a stupid hallmark holiday.

Ps how is a yoga mat romantic?

He probably didn't give it to you because you went in a strop before Valentine's Day had even been and gone! I missed the part where he offered to take you to the cinema. He tried to make at least a little bit of effort upon realising he had no gift and you turned it down because you would prefer something materialistic. You're losing sympathy here OP. Cinema, chutney, whatever might not be your cup of tea but unless you tell him that then he's none the wiser and he's trying.

I agree there's more to a relationship than a card and flowers.

Yes and then OP said her DH said it was too late to go to the cinema...at 2.30pm. I think what actually happened was she made it clear she thought the cinema idea was shite and it put him off going. So, what could have been a nice cinema trip and card have become sulking and not talking to each other. What is the point?

A couple of days ago my DH and I had this conversation:

DH: We’re not doing much for Valentines Day, I presume?

Me: Maybe just a card? No presents.

DH: OK.

Then yesterday:

DH: Oh, I left your Valentines card at work!

Me: Don’t worry - I haven’t got you one... [been ill in bed for days] Let’s just get something nice in to eat after the kids are in bed and watch something together?

DH: great

I mean, he MIGHT be stewing inside about how little I care for him, not buying a card (I could have bought one a week ago, like your DH, after all!) but I don’t think so because he knows I love him, even though he’s actually more invested in the cards/gestures than I am. And if he says tonight “NoSquirrells I wish you’d bought me a card - I feel a bit unloved, I know it’s silly, and I know you do lots of other things but please can we always do cards?” then I’d be fine with that.

But if he’d stropped off in a passive aggressive huff, I’d be mentally counting up all my everyday gestures of care and thinking Fuck You, Manchild.

For example.

So he has bothered but you didn't give him the chance to give you a card before you got yourself wound up about VD the day before.

It sounds like you expected him not to have bothered and haven't really given him a chance anyway.

we are quite good at pressies in my house, but we keep a 'wishlist' on the pinboard in the office, when we see something we want, we add it to that- we have got a list each- and that helps when suggesting to family and friends when they ask what the other would like. It works really well- you could do something like that? He can't go wrong then!

Poor guy doesn't stand a chance. You won't be happy whatever he does.

It you value your marriage I suggest you sit down and talk to him about it. Both of you can clear the air and also make sure you both know where you stand on these things.

I've just had a look at some of OP's other posts. Back in January, she went to see a solicitor about getting a divorce.

OP, what happened about that? If you wanted a divorce then, and marriage counselling didn't work, and you wondered why it had taken you so long to get the ball rolling, why are you wanting and giving VD presents?

Op I remember you at Christmas, didn't you both have a £10 limit on presents? (Apologies if i haven't quite remembered that right). I remember the thread was split at the time between whether you were being reasonable or not.

FWIW my dh didn't spend much on xmas and hasn't got me anything from Valentines day but I've had a kiss and we're going out to lunch (my idea) so I don't really need much. Unless there are other problems in your relationship you sound a bit grabby - especially as it sounds like you didn't even give him the chance to give you your card.

Not rtft, but am inclined to agree with others that confronting him about not doing anything for Valentine's Day before the day itself was a bad move. And he did offer to take you out to the cinema so has made some effort to do something for it! You are coming across as a little martyr-ish and high maintenance tbh.

There have historically been Christmases and birthdays where my now husband only got me a card, no present, because he was so skint. Now he's on good money he enjoys treating me, but I think part of the reason he enjoys doing that is because he knows I'm not demanding and not a princess about it and have never once made him feel shitty for not making enough effort with birthdays/Christmas, even when he's felt shitty about it himself. If all he's been able to afford is to cook me a nice meal, then that's all he's done.

Valentines Day is largely just a load of commercialised tosh anyway tbf. Forced effort for Valentines Day? Meh. Doesn't mean that much in my book. Far more important that your partner shows you that they care year around, in the ways that really matter.