To think it's not the end of the world if you can't have children?

[Jaygee61]

I speak as one who couldn't. Ttc for 10 years. It broke my heart. But I healed. I have a different perspective on things now. I feel there were worse things that could have befallen us, being diagnosed terminal cancer (OH did have cancer but it eas treatable fortunately) motor neuron disease, being paralysed in an accident. We live lives of joy and dignity.. We have created a great marriage and I'm proud of that. I love spending time with my nephew.

But society seems to view being childless by choice as a fate worse than death. Something not to be accepted but fought against at all cost. . If you're not prepared to go to any lengths to have a child you can't have really wanted one in the first place....

Childlessness does feel like the end of the world if it isn't out of choice. To be honest, with anything, if it are told you can't have it, you only want it more. You can't move for seeing children or people asking you if you have them etc. Raw wounds are always being re opened. Perhaps a bit or respite between age of 45-55 and then peers start becoming grandparents.

I think to some extent it depends on who you work/socialise with. I chose not to have kids until I was in my 40s. No one commented on this, ever. I had been married for nearly 15 years by the time dc1 arrived, and had literally no comments.

When I did have dcs, again no one had anything to say about it other than 'congratulations' and similar polite comments.

Similarly I would never comment on someone else's choice to have or not to have dcs. It's personal to them. How could starting a conversation about their choices be anything other than awkward and intrusive?

' have an idea but it means giving up holidays abroad and eating out....and I just don't feel ready yet. Sorry smile'

There's nothing wrong with feeling like this. People have different priorities. No need to apologise

Yep, wysteria AWKWARD AND INTRUSIVE! D'ya hear that MIL?!!!!

MY MIL particularly, who, very sadly, has tried to oust me from my DIL place for failing to breed successfully. I realise now that her own infertility issues and baby loss have been massively triggered by my own. She has always been obsessed with the production of grandchildren and actually does whatever she can to ensure ALL her children breed. When I didn't fit that criteria for her beloved son, she did all she can to get rid of me.

Offering me £10,000 to get going on the breeding (only been married 3 months!). Was verbally worried I wouldn't give up my career. (I was already pregnant).

Deciding that my unexpected severe chronic illness that lost me my job and developing babies was me "making excuses".

That the exercise jogging I was doing in the year before ttc, was to blame. "That's how you get rid of babies."

That is was "embarrassing" that I wasn't coming to family gatherings anymore. (I was bedbound) Became rather hysterical that we were socially withdrawing ourselves from the family. I.e. not discussing our ttc and fertility struggles directly with her.

Engineered a discussion with DH that another sibling could be a surrogate for us? Spreading accusations about my true intentions to the other siblings.

Kept on about DH freezing his sperm for the future. He refused. I am past child-bearing age. Badgered him about being a sperm donor instead.

Wept every time she saw me, refused to sit on the sofa next to me and wouldn't even look me in the eye. "She has hurt my pup" is what she told DH.

Then when it became clear that DH was choosing to stay with me, both FIL & MIL continuously rang, wrote, emailed and criticised us both for everything. They insinuated I had never had any intention of making him a Father and that he was now indoctrinated.

So, yes. To answer your question @Jaygee61, for my MIL it WAS the end of the world and she ensured that we suffered even more with our losses by blaming us for it too. At the time, it did feel like the end of the world & I NEVER EVER want to be in that dark place again.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but equally, we all have our personal limits as to what we can and can't cope with. My children were born through host surrogacy after a hideous number of years of pain and upset. A little part of me died during those years and I still carry that within me, I suspect I always will.... People would view me as a "strong" person because I coped and kept going and picked myself up and looked for the many good things I had and the good things I might "lose" if I did finally become a mother. I am a sympathetic person but I really have no time at all for people who "wallow" in misery, self pity and that rather useless mire of "it's not fair" which seems to be so damn acceptable these days. Life isn't fair and I genuinely believe we are only given shit to deal with which we also have the where-with-all to manage. Years ago, childless couples survived the same heartache without going on and on about it.....

Oh goodness Once your MIL sounds horrific. So sorry you had to deal with all that as well. I hope she isn't too much a part of your life now!

Thanks louisa There was more but I'm starting to blank it out I think . NC has been my choice while I actively encourage DH to still see them. Only now he's out of the FOG of course.

Well, the funny thing is, is that a NC DIL does not sit well with PIL's image of highly regarded upstanding members of their local community. They have managed to convince themselves it was true and because I was envious of their close family life. So I still get presents and cards and love passed on, even though I now ignore it all.

You couldn't make it up.

Oh, wait, they did!!!!

Dear god Once,she sounds utterly unhinged. She needs a therapist, or maybe a psychiatrist

Thank you Lotta. It's part of my healing process & acceptance to share this, get feedback & understand that 'it was NOT my fault'. They did such a good job as coming across as 'concerned' & doing it out of love, I blamed myself. No-one will ever make me feel like that again. Weird that they now want to sit around the table & share a meal together. Even the siblings have been briefed that it was a lot of misunderstandings

For you Lotta I've been here lurking & name changing over the years & never said how sorry I am for your loss too. I am so pleased to see that you are emerging too. It's been a feckin' long road for some of us.

What a lovely post Once, thank you so much. I'm also like a sponge for validation and reassurance about how it's not you, it's them. I think when you've had years of being ganged up on and blamed by people who you thought were on your side, the scars run deep

Life is a hell of a lot better than it was even just a couple of years ago. I've worked bloody hard for that but I'm also incredibly grateful for having the chance to heal

for you!

Exactly Lotta. I think hanging out on MN probably saved my soul, marriage & life

There are so many nice things awaiting us now. Thank you to you & everyone else for sharing your stories here, however painful they've been.