To think it's not the end of the world if you can't have children?

[Jaygee61]

I speak as one who couldn't. Ttc for 10 years. It broke my heart. But I healed. I have a different perspective on things now. I feel there were worse things that could have befallen us, being diagnosed terminal cancer (OH did have cancer but it eas treatable fortunately) motor neuron disease, being paralysed in an accident. We live lives of joy and dignity.. We have created a great marriage and I'm proud of that. I love spending time with my nephew.

But society seems to view being childless by choice as a fate worse than death. Something not to be accepted but fought against at all cost. . If you're not prepared to go to any lengths to have a child you can't have really wanted one in the first place....

Good God. I would never dream of telling anyone who'd just lost their husband that it wasn't the end of the world.

My post seems to have caused a lot of upset for which I am very sorry.

I think Jaygee that you are out the other side of the black hole and able to reflect. That is a wonderful place for you to be. It's just that many others are not there and some feel they may never be there and that's very, very hard. Good luck.

I would never dream of telling anyone who'd just lost their husband that it wasn't the end of the world

But people (not you, OP) have popped up on this thread to say that to people who have experienced stillbirths. Or that live children are overrated.

(And actually my mum was widowed in her mid 30s and people absolutely do say that sort of thing to you unfortunately).

@Jaygee61 I think your thread has revealed some sore emotional wounds for some that could probably never be described with words. For me it's been quite cathartic, so thank you for daring to start it. I am actually relieved to read about some of the survivors who are further out the end of this insidious journey than myself and others. After 5 years + of ttc and heart-wrenching RMC I'm not quite there yet, but closer than I was 2 years ago. I agree too that some of society view non-breeding as a failure and I might add to this later.

I rarely post on this sensitive and painful topic for fear of opening painful memories for everyone. I've read countless MN bunfight threads where posters are continuously 'outraged' at behaviours of 'childless' women around sudden pregnancy & birth announcements/babies, when it is very clear that those suffering from infertility are in a very, very dark place where no-one would ever choose to go

Please give them a little compassion, unless you've been there and were never successful you will never know how much it hurts to be there. Some of us are hanging on to life by our fingertips

For all of you who have suffered, either by unexpectedly being on the inside of infertility or even as someone on the outside, sympathetically and helplessly witnessing the suffering.

Great post @OnceUponADreamToBeLucky

You're right and I'm glad that you have found peace and happiness being child free after what must have been an incredibly difficult 10 years of trying.
I have children but before our first I had health problems meaning we were told to prepare for not being able to have kids at all (might have needed a hysterectomy) and then a period of infertility followed.
That time was hard and I feel incredibly lucky to now have my kids but I know we would have been ok if it had gone the other way. We would have needed time to heal and there would have been a lot of pain first but we talked at length about choosing to be happy and about a child free life and what it would look like and we would have been happy in a different way.
I understand that not everyone can find that peace easily but it's what I would wish for anyone.

I know what you mean about being THE ONE without children.
I had my birth son at 42years (probably 15 years after most of my friends / peers) and have just adopted a 2 year old at 47years.
Motherhood comes in different packages (if you want it to).
Lots of mental adjustment on my part but it's pretty good right now.
A close relative was unable to have children and I look at photos of her and her husband on lovely romantic holidays abroad, enjoying time together and a sense of freedom that we can only imagine right now!
It's easy to say but I think the thing is to make the best of whatever life throws at you...

It would have been the end of the world for me had I not been able to have children. With my daughter it was not easy and I can only say that the yearning for a child was very real and very painful. Part of my make-up I think...and many other women. In the fertility clinic, they described it as batting a ball away but it comes back each time stronger. If I had had no children, for me I would have felt a gapping hole in life. Nothing else would have given me the meaning or depth of emotion. But getting here wasn't easy.

No you are definitely NBU. Given all the angst, problems expressed here you are probably having a greater life than most. There is far far too much emphasis on having children as being the perfect way in life. If a lot were more honest they would say children are nothing but problems and expense. Enjoy your Life, keep nurturing your relationship and appreciate all that you do have. There will be loads of folk with children who are jealous but will never say.

It's a very personal thing IMO....for some people it would be the end of the world, I'm glad you have healed and found peace but many others wouldn't.

One woman's reaction to my infertlility was "well you can have a stellar career". I don't have one.
I'm financially worse off than most of my friends with kids as they have wealthy husbands.
We were not approved for adoption.
It's been horrendous and I will never get over the grief. But I think it would be helpful to hear about people who have done things they wouldn't have otherwise (not going travelling or cream carpets, something meaningful). I was looking for that in the aftermath of my final miscarriage and didn't find it.

This is so different for everyone. Some people learn to live with it, some don’t.
I had my son after ttc for 5 years on our first ivf attempt, very lucky and the best thing that ever happened to me. However, ttc our second, not so lucky 2 failed ivf attempts, resulting in an only child and not the two children I’d have loved to have haved. I was so surprised that this knocked me for six and has taken 3 years to get over (somewhat). You also feel a bit guilty about feeling so devastated, because you think about those that haven’t been lucky enough to have one child.
I’m sure with a lot of time, I’d have eventually made peace with not being able to have any children, but I think I’d have felt a massive gap in my life and not felt that I’d done the one thing that was really important to me.
Of course there are always worse things that can happen. But I really feel for those that can’t have children, such a sad thing to have to live with.

Good on you! I now have children but before I did, one friend told me my life was meaningless. What utter tosh. I literally ended that friendship the very same day. So pleased you have moved on from your grief. In all honesty you probably contribute far more to society than I do right now. X

At 19 I was told I’d have little to no chance of conceiving naturally due to my PCOS. For me it’s really bad, you google the symptoms and I have pretty much all of them. The pressure on women to have kids is massive and I felt like a failure as a woman. I hated my body and it’s inability to do it’s job, I still do because of these early feelings. By my 30’s I was still angry at my body and punishing it but I’d pretty much accepted I would never be a mother. I turn 36 and find out I’m 20w pregnant. I freak out and say I don’t want it, I’d be a terrible mother anyway. My partner supported me and we went on to have that baby. She is 5 years old now and my reason for living. She was what my life was missing. It’s personal choice, but for me it was the worst thing that happened to me not being able to have a child. I’m still morbidly obese, have anxiety issues, recovering from depression and punishing my body but that’s what therapy is for lol I would never judge anyone who chose to not have kids, that’s your choice and I’d feel sympathy for the ones who desperately wanted them but couldn’t so accepted life as it is and live it however they wanted to. It’s your life and nobody’s business.

This question is entirely unanswerable as it is completely down to the individual's own personality, resilience, experiences, hopes and dreams. It may not have been the end of your world, good for you; but for some women and men it is the end of their world. We can't tell people their feelings are wrong ....except on Mumsnet

Haven't read all the posts, but PoorYorick (second post) hit nail on the head.

How come if Serena Williams says giving birth makes her a real woman that’s fine, she is just talking about her own feelings, but if I say that I don’t feel that being unable to have children is the end of the world for me, I am telling people their feelings are wrong?

Jaygee, she was a muppet for saying that. I used to be a big fan of hers but her smugness over her pregnancy has grated badly

My Mum adopted me over 20 years ago after undergoing fertility treatment with my Dad. She never got over being unable to have DCs of her own, even now as a Grandmother it still hurts her. I'm in no position to tell her to get over it or that it's not the end of the world; I simply can't imagine it. But I can empathise, and I can try to imagine my own life without my two DCs and understand why something like that could dominate your life and how you feel about it.

It's nobody's business to define what makes a woman "a real woman". It's nobody's business to attempt to tell another woman that it's not the end of the world because I'm sure for some, it really might feel that way.

Jaygee
I'm glad you posted. It's good to know that people aren't destroyed by infertility, that it is possible to recover.

It's an interesting question why some women feel the desire to have children so keenly and others don't. I remember sitting in a Starbucks many years ago with my best friend, and a kid had a cookie bigger than his head and I couldn't stop looking at how cute he was. Jackie said 'why do you keep watching him and smiling?' She wasn't feeling it! She went on to marry an Irish man from a big family and, after some persuasion, had a son. She was back at work within 5 days and employed a Nanny. She has always been completely baffled by my love of kids and my desire to have them. Horses for courses. For her, she did it to please her husband. For me it has been life changing and profound. Neither of us is wrong or right, just different.

@ellaoldie My life didn’t end up where I expected (married with children), and I couldn’t claim to have a stellar career, but it is hugely rich and fulfilling now, after taking time to come to terms with it. I do actually have white carpets and travel, but the carpets play no positive role in my life whatsoever!

As it is, I’ve been able to build wonderful relationships with a whole host of young people, from nieces and nephews to cousins’ children to friends’ children. Very much to my surprise, I was the one called on when one of them was having problems ‘because you understand young people’. By coincidence I work with teenagers and that’s a delight.

I have a particular artistic talent and I’ve been able to develop it because I have time and space to myself. That’s a real privilege, as I see when talking to friends with children.

I have the most wonderful friends (many with, some without kids) and they are a delight to me. I suspect I’m the first point of call for quite a lot of them, because I have time to chat, I’m ready to listen,and I make the effort to visit.

And yes, I do travel and love the people I’ve met and the experiences I’ve had as a result. But the cream carpet has got dirty and moth-eaten even without kids and needs replacing.

My dad summed it up once for me when I was feeling very upset because I don’t rate first in anyone’s life. He said ‘you don’t rate first for anyone, but you rate very high for a hell of a lot of people, young and older, and that’s something not many people can say.’

Children are not the totality of your life, they are a part. There are other relationships and other aspects of life such as career / job which exist in your life whether or not you have children. So it is perfectly possible to feel an enormous amount of grief over not having a longed for child, but to still have a contented and fulfilling life. That's what I think anyway, having managed to have my little girl at the last throw of the IVF dice. A lady I'm close to never had children and she still finds it hard as an old lady - the grief is still raw as she sees her contemporaries becoming grandparents and knows she will never have that either. But that sadness is only one part of her, and in other ways she has a wonderful life and considers herself lucky.

My husband and I have decided it's a coin toss. We would die for our dc, but we have no money, worry all the time and one child injured in an accident and is giving is trouble. We are retirement age and not even a tiny bit ready for that.
My health was ruined at second preg.
Our life has been difficult and It's still hard. If course we love our children but have wondered why we had them at times.

So, while we may have always wondered, it may have been the better option.

Embrace it. Kids are over rated. I MISS MY OLD LIFE.