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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not the end of the world if you can't have children?

336 replies

Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 12:36

I speak as one who couldn't. Ttc for 10 years. It broke my heart. But I healed. I have a different perspective on things now. I feel there were worse things that could have befallen us, being diagnosed terminal cancer (OH did have cancer but it eas treatable fortunately) motor neuron disease, being paralysed in an accident. We live lives of joy and dignity.. We have created a great marriage and I'm proud of that. I love spending time with my nephew.

But society seems to view being childless by choice as a fate worse than death. Something not to be accepted but fought against at all cost. . If you're not prepared to go to any lengths to have a child you can't have really wanted one in the first place....

OP posts:
openbluewater · 13/02/2018 13:45

I normally have so much time for you Lweji but that was crass.

Poffley · 13/02/2018 13:46

I agree that society’s narrative for what the life of a childless person looks like is ridiculous. It’s all drinking, holidays and loads of spare cash. It’s rubbish.

That WAS my life pre DS Grin

openbluewater · 13/02/2018 13:46

And you were how old?

crunchymint · 13/02/2018 13:47

Poffley It is many people's lives when they are young. Things change as you get older, with or without kids.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2018 13:48

How old were you when you had him poff?

I don’t think the grin is particularly sensitive. It’s shit enough not being able to have kids without people laughing at things that you find difficult.

Rockclimber12 · 13/02/2018 13:48

Theres' never an easy answer to this but it's certain that society will condemn you regardless of whether you become a parent or not. (Although no-one judges chaps in the same way as women).
I lost pregnancies and a friend used to tell me at least I'd had the chance to be pregnant and I couldn't understand her. Not being able to conceive and losing pregnancies (late pregnancy lost did break me) are both agonies.
Not having children isn't the end of the world if that's how you can imagine your future. If you can't imagine life without being a parent then it's a hellish sort of pain.
You can still have a valued, fulfilling life. Society still attaches a value to women as childbearers and that doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon, regardless of how far women have come onin history

Bakedappleflavour · 13/02/2018 13:48

Things change as you get older, with or without kids.

I still have lots of holidays and £££...not so much alcohol because of medication.

Openup41 · 13/02/2018 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

YodaIsDead · 13/02/2018 13:53

I can't have kids. It doesn't feel like the end of the world to me. It did used to. But I genuinely feel like my life is better without them. I do not like the narrative that we must all be heartbroken and lonely.

I also love that cartoon.

MadMags · 13/02/2018 13:56

I’ve never really understood the aching need people have for a child as in; I don’t think I’d feel it. I never did. They weren’t on my radar.

But I have kids whom I obviously wouldn’t live without so I could never presume to tell people they’re wrong for “thinking it’s the end of the world”. Because how would I possibly know how it feels?

It’s good that you’re at peace with it, OP. But I would certainly never judge a person who couldn’t get there, IYSWIM.

As for society; I actually think it’s quite pro-no kids more than ever before!

amusedbush · 13/02/2018 13:58

The Oatmeal sums up my feelings on having kids quite nicely Grin

To think it's not the end of the world if you can't have children?
Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 13:59

YANBU. But I think you're lucky you're at a point where you can see that. I couldn't before I had DD.

Lweji · 13/02/2018 14:02

I normally have so much time for you Lweji but that was crass

Why?

It was my personal experience and my feelings.

I understand it is different for all of us, but the fact is that not everyone has that longing or need for biological children.

openbluewater · 13/02/2018 14:02

Yes but amused, there’s still a suggestion that travelling the world is what childless people should be doing. They can’t just be people going to Asda and putting petrol in the car and watching Corrie. They have to be pursuing their dreams.

tangledyarn · 13/02/2018 14:02

Obviously logically it isn't and there are lots of fulfilling ways to live your life without but for me it feels like it is, but maybe I've just not reached the place where it feels ok yet..I hope I get there one day but mostly now feel totally hopeless and pointless as a result.

Mummaofboys · 13/02/2018 14:02

I agree, I think as long as you live life to the full, one my SILs doesn’t have children she goes on amazing holidays has a fantastic home with cream carpets and sofas. Can do anything at the drop of a hat. My life isn’t better than hers because I have children,it’s just different.

openbluewater · 13/02/2018 14:03

Christ. You can’t have kids but it’s ok. The holidays. Oh, the holidays. And cream carpets.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2018 14:04

I agree, I think as long as you live life to the full, one my SILs doesn’t have children she goes on amazing holidays has a fantastic home with cream carpets and sofas. Can do anything at the drop of a hat.

yrhengi · 13/02/2018 14:06

as long as you live life to the full,

What do you mean by that, Mummaofboys?

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2018 14:08

Love all the fertile-splaining going on here telling those without children how they should be living their lives. Hmm

tangledyarn · 13/02/2018 14:08

I'll put in an order for some cream carpets then..that'll sort my despair.

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 14:10

If someone told me I should be grateful I could have cream carpets and last minute holidays when I thought I would never have children, I would probably have never spoken to them again.

amusedbush · 13/02/2018 14:12

Yes but amused, there’s still a suggestion that travelling the world is what childless people should be doing.

Well, I suppose not everyone wants to but DH and I both bloody love travelling and spend most of our disposable income on it. I am studying part time around my 9-5 job in an effort to get a job I love but mostly my dreams involve lying down and watching Netflix Grin

Lweji · 13/02/2018 14:13

If it's not too crass, I'd have dedicated myself more to my career if I didn't have children.
I'd have stayed for longer in work meetings abroad, work more weekends, write more, and possibly worked in different countries.
But ds is here and he's definitely more important.

Do whatever makes you happy. Children give you some happiness if you like them, but also headaches.

My recipe for happiness is to make the most of what I get or can get.

tangledyarn · 13/02/2018 14:20

The idea that all childless people are off traveling the world, climbing the career ladder and getting drunk really irritates me. A lot of us are childless through circumstance..I have a lot of health problems meaning I cant compensate in those ways. Great if those things work for you but its not the answer for many people.

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