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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not the end of the world if you can't have children?

336 replies

Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 12:36

I speak as one who couldn't. Ttc for 10 years. It broke my heart. But I healed. I have a different perspective on things now. I feel there were worse things that could have befallen us, being diagnosed terminal cancer (OH did have cancer but it eas treatable fortunately) motor neuron disease, being paralysed in an accident. We live lives of joy and dignity.. We have created a great marriage and I'm proud of that. I love spending time with my nephew.

But society seems to view being childless by choice as a fate worse than death. Something not to be accepted but fought against at all cost. . If you're not prepared to go to any lengths to have a child you can't have really wanted one in the first place....

OP posts:
MadMags · 13/02/2018 20:13

I can’t imagine spending all that money, all those years, on having a baby.

My friend’s dsis did it for years and as soon as she finally got her baby, she was devastated that he’d be an only!

I think you’re prone to upset about it, or you’re not.

And I’d never presume to tell anyone they were wrong to feel how they feel!

JustHereForThePooStories · 13/02/2018 20:19

The best thing I did was put my life on hold TTC, because if I hadn't I wouldn't have the child I do now. I would have had far more regrets if I hadn't

Can I ask how long you were TTCing, Juddy? In my case, we tried (unsuccessfully) for eight years and I didn’t have the luxury of putting my life on hold- still had to earn a living, care for sick relatives, keep a marriage going. All the important stuff I was thankful I focused on.

Stillwishihadabs · 13/02/2018 20:21

Not the end of the world ? No, but it was always always a huge part of who I am and what I wanted from life, to have children. Which is why I didn't have an abortion when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant in my 20's. I know had I aborted that pregnancy and not been able to conceive later I couldn't have coped at all. I think I am a better, less selfish,more mature and more ambitious person for being a parent. They are 14 &11 now and in another 10 years we can travel the world and enjoy being free (in our early fifties) 😃

blueyacht · 13/02/2018 20:24

I think I am a better, less selfish,more mature and more ambitious person for being a parent

I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but every time a parent says something like this I hear "you are worse than me, you are selfish, immature and less ambitious".

vincettenoir · 13/02/2018 20:27

This thread started off really hopeful. But it’s deteriorated into people just attacking those they perceive to be the ‘other’ (whether that’s Mum’s, child free by choice, child free not by choice etc).

Depressing.

Bringing it back to a more upbeat note I am glad OP is happy.

Stillwishihadabs · 13/02/2018 20:27

I didn't mean that at all, it was in response to people suggesting that having DCs curbed ones ambition, makes you boring and penniless.i am simply stating my experience is the opposite of that. I know for others it is much less positive.

tangledyarn · 13/02/2018 20:28

Thats lovely blueyacht You do realise that this is a thread where posters are talking about how painful it is to not be able to have children yes?

thehairyhog · 13/02/2018 20:28

I’m always surprised so many people actually do it! It’s such hard work!!!! 😅

Stillwishihadabs · 13/02/2018 20:33

For me it wouldn't have been the end of the world but it would have been an enormous thing I am not sure I could have got over. But I knew that and was careless with contraception having a baby at the wrong (or with the wrong man ) was much less of a big deal that not having a baby at all would have been.

Lweji · 13/02/2018 20:34

It’s very easy to say “there’s more to life than having children” when you have them.

I know and I can say it (for myself) because that's how it was for me when I thought I wouldn't have children. (see my first post)

When DS came it was great and I was over the moon, but before it happened (for over two years, longer than some people on this thread have been trying), I was prepared to face a life without children of my own.
That's from that perspective that I posted.
When I faced infertility, and I had seen a doctor about it, it wasn't the end of the world, and I wasn't too preocupied with finding a way to have that child.

I think it's great that the OP has found a way to overcome the feeling that it was the end of the world. I agree that society tends to put too much pressure, particularly on women.

But, the stories of women for whom it isn't the end of the world should also be heard, surely. Because not all of us feel that pressure or have the same drive.

That was the feeling I got from the title and the OP, that it was a thread for positive feelings about not having children. That's why I posted. Not so much a thread about how horrible it was not to have children.

blueyacht · 13/02/2018 20:35

@tangledyarn I'm perfectly aware of the content of the thread. I am saying that, as an infertile woman, when I hear someone saying how having children has made them a better person, I feel this implies that I am a worse person. Perhaps this isn't their intention, as I have pointed out, but it is what I hear. I don't understand how you are interpreting what I wrote.

tangledyarn · 13/02/2018 20:38

blueyacht really sorry I was agreeing with you but quoted you instead of the original poster of the statement..have reported my post.

blueyacht · 13/02/2018 20:40

@tangledyarn ha ha, furiously agreeing with each other! Smile

ScreamingValenta · 13/02/2018 20:40

blueyacht I think it might have been missed that the first line of your post was quoting an earlier post.

ScreamingValenta · 13/02/2018 20:41

x-post with tangled

AmysTiara · 13/02/2018 20:49

It would have felt like the end of the world to me if I didn't have children.
Not everyone feels the same. Two of my friends don't have kids. One never wanted them and one tried unsuccessfully for years. Their lives aren't better or worse than mine. They're just different.

Viewofhedges · 13/02/2018 21:03

I too couldn't have them and after 4 years TTC stopped at 39. For me the hardest part was having to choose whether to have IVF or not. I'm grateful to the above posters who point out how grueling it is, and how oversold - I chose not to do it and will probably always wonder 'what if.' I do occasionally feel sad about it but it is only occasionally now, and I worry about old age (whilst hoping furiously I can live like Diana Athill). But not having a child has allowed me to change careers and I can see now how positive our life is becoming, and like others DH and I now wonder if we dodged a bullet. Time has helped. (Mothers' day will probably always be shit though!)

HP07 · 13/02/2018 21:21

This thread is incredibly heartbreaking. There was a time I was staring infertility in the face. It felt like my world was crumbling apart. I have since been lucky enough to conceive 2 children but I’m not sure I would have come to terms with infertility and moved on like some of the people in this post have. I don’t think that because they have managed to move on that it means they ‘didn’t really want’ children but it takes a certain strength and personality to come out of the other side and be at peace. There is no ‘right’ or most fulfilling way to live your life but the saddest thing is not having control over your choices. Some people yearn for a baby of their own and saying that it isn’t the end of the world isn’t everyone’s truth.

HP07 · 13/02/2018 21:25

And one other thing is I really hate it when people have to compare things to something else ie. well you can’t have a baby but at least you don’t have cancer/a crippling disability/insert tragedy here. I can’t believe some people are so incredibly narrow minded treat they believe that just because someone has it worse off that you shouldn’t be treated with empathy and compassion.

SJN71 · 13/02/2018 21:30

No YANBU, but I guess its so different for each person though and each person’s (infertility) journey is so different. We tried for five years and were finally successful but we had already decided that it was our last round of IVF and if it hadn’t happened we would just get on with our (nice) lives of holidays, dinners out etc etc. It would have been sad but I would have got over it like you OP. But there are so many people (many on my IVF support group) who were just devastated that they couldn’t have children and had been TTC for about 14 years!! 14 years!!!! I couldn’t believe that - I just couldn’t try for that long - its so depressing and demoralising. Five years was bad enough, waiting for the calls after the blood tests and hearing “I’m really sorry blah blah blah”. No way I could have done that any longer.

Original poster
Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 21:59

And one other thing is I really hate it when people have to compare things to something else ie. well you can’t have a baby but at least you don’t have cancer/a crippling disability/insert tragedy here. I can’t believe some people are so incredibly narrow minded treat they believe that just because someone has it worse off that you shouldn’t be treated with empathy and compassion.

Sorry if my OP upset you. That is certainly not what I believe.

OP posts:
Sashkin · 13/02/2018 22:06

Just going back to the idea that women with a history of infertility are more prone to PND because they expect a baby to be perfect and life-changing: that is the exact opposite of my experience.

The mums I’ve met who have struggled most are the ones who got pregnant quickly without really considering what having a baby involved, and weren’t prepared for their lives to change so dramatically.

I had six years of infertility, three miscarriages and an extremely high-risk pregnancy spent mostly as an inpatient, resulting in a prem DS. When we bought him home from hospital I was so happy and relieved he wasn’t dead that I could cheerfully have put up with anything. I spent most of my maternity leave pinching myself because I felt so lucky, and intermittently worrying that he might get taken from us because he was too perfect. He still makes me happier than anything else in the world.

I had a very fulfilling life on paper prior to having him (stimulating successful job, happy marriage, lots of hobbies and friends) but infertility nearly destroyed me. I was certainly depressed after my second and third miscarriages, which were second trimester. I desperately loved my babies and wanted to protect them, and my body was killing them. It was devastating.

I do feel that my life was on hold while I was TTC - it wasn’t a conscious choice, but I couldn’t move on mentally while I was grieving for my miscarriages. I feel a weight has lifted now, and I can think about the future again.

Original poster
Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 22:07

Viewofhedges, I wish I hadn’t done the IVF. It was pretty shit. Everything that could go wrong did. But I also do see the positives in my life now.

OP posts:
zeeboo · 13/02/2018 22:14

If I'd been unable to have children, by any method then it would have been the end of my world. All I ever wanted, from toddlerhood was to be a mother.
YOU can be fine with your situation, but you don't get to choose how other people feel.

twinkledag · 13/02/2018 22:18

I agree with your post @Sashkin and felt and feel the same as you do.