Do you take your 12/13 year olds phone away at night?

[honeylulu]

Just that ... parents of 12-13 year olds Do you take your child's phone off then at night?
We take ours off him at 9pm (more like 10 or 10.30pm as we often only remember when we are going to bed). He says no one else's mum and dad do this.
Are we too strict? Or is it usual to allow overnight phone in room at this age?

But how thrilled would you be if your child was the one asleep having pictures of themselves sent on social media in their nightwear because they all had their phones.

Yes we have no technology upstairs rule anyway so she doesn’t really have it once she goes to bed. Usually around 9/10pm but we don’t take it off her as such.

3 dcs, 4 dsc (2 with us ft) ages between 13 &22.

Never have I removed their phones, not had need to do so. I do the occasional check on the websites they are using - but nothing more.

I certainly would never invade their privacy once they are over the age of 16. .. as for telling a 17 yr old wether they may or may not access their phone at night . Get real !! How are they going to manage at uni if they've had no experience of regulation or are you going to go too and make sure they are in bed by 9 .

They all charge their phones in their bedrooms . I don't want 7 phones in the bloody kitchen . And we have a modern house with electricity up stairs !!

Myheart - genuine question - how do you get to read Snapchat messages/groupchats etc? I suspected something worrying was going on in DD Snapchat group but couldn't find any way in without DD showing me. Plus I thought it vanished after a short period of time???

Grandad god no don't do that to the poor child, she'll end up with no friends wanting to stay over!! Gadgets are all part of the sleepover experience unfortunately these days. Surely you can relax the rules for sleepovers, sounds way too uptight

Yes and mine are 13 and 14. They are pretty much glued to it the rest of the day so at bedtime absolutely not and they know I won't budge on this!

Parent of 12 year old and no phones in bedroom at night time. I see messages come in at midnight, 2am, how is that good for children’s sleep?! After dinnertime they stay downstairs charging. However DH and I don’t keep our mobiles in our bedroom either, I don’t think they are good for a restful nights sleep.

On a recent sleepover when the children went to sleep I asked for the phones to be left outside the bedroom (they knew exactly where they were if they needed them) which the other parents were in total agreement with, there had been some disagreements on social media previously and I didn’t want them spending the whole night messaging and then having a crying child in my bedroom at 2am because someone has posted an embarrassing photo of her in her pyjamas or some like that 🙄. But I have a feeling in future I will have to allow it......

Grandad- that is mortifying. I am shocked you think it is ok to remove other people's kids phones especially when they are 13.

Absolutely fine Grandad if you want to embarrass your child and be the place they don't want to come for a sleepover.
The genie is not going back in the bag. This is part of teenage life now.

Of course - if there is a history of stupidity, bullying, inappropriate photos then you have to step in on a case by case basis. The important thing is a good close relationship, close enough to report any problems to you without hesitation. Alienating her from her peer group will not help this. -

Learning self regulation is an incredibly important life skill. It teaches us to be responsible for our own actions. One of the MOST important characteristics of a responsible human being.
Learning that going to bed late and being on your phone till midnight chatting with mates, teaches you that you feel like shit the next morning and do badly at school. The only way to change that outcome is to go to sleep earlier. It's not rocket science. 13 yr olds can learn this.

Ultimately it is essential for future life at Uni. It is telling that at DD1 Uni, the ones with the Mums that phone them every morning to wake them up and have a copy of their child's timetable at home - yes, there are parents that do this !! - are the ones from the strict homes with all the 'rules'.
They are also the ones that go back to sleep as soon as they've got mother off the phone .

Carry this through to the world of work. Punctuality is an essential requirement. Having learned to switch the phone off and get enough sleep to get up for work will be the difference between holding down a job or not.

Cyber bullying and sexual grooming , the things we all care about are LEAST likely to happen on a sleepover amongst friends. Much more likely to occur when they are on their own at any time of day.

All phones charged downstairs overnight here.

Bollocks phones are addictive,addiction doesn't lend itself to self regulation by children.

Self regulation has to be taught by parents who parent. It's an ongoing skill that needs support and modelling.

You can see the kids in school with parents who aren't policing phones. Their exhaustion and concentration skills are incredibly frustrating.

I hate hosting sleep overs,kids not wanting to come would be fine by me. The fewer the merrier in my book.

Yes, DD leaves her phone downstairs to charge overnight and uses an alarm clock.

Lots of her friends parents don't remove their phones though, I know this because I often see texts come through on DD's phone up to midnight. This is part of the reason why I won't let her keep it in her room.

DS is 13. I thought he was self regulating and then spotted an Insta post at like 4am

He now has to bring all devices downstairs at 9pm!

Toomanytealights - I do agree and although I allow my eldest to self-regulate it's an ongoing process which we tightly monitor. He is very good at self regulating his bedtime for instance. 9 yo DS isn't though so we give him the opportunity to take himself to bed at a reasonable time but he just can't manage this regularly as he is too young. With our eldest he always takes himself off and has never yet gone to bed later than 1030 (he needs 9 solid hours) even at weekends so he deserves that trust and freedom. DS2 may always need more managing which is fine.

With regards to phones he genuinely isn't on it at night, we have tight broadband controls too and he is very open with us about stuff he's seen online or unpleasant messages. Within his friendship group most of them are in bed at a similar time so we've never had an issue.

If we did have an issue we would do exactly the same as LaurieF.

Kittens - great post. It's irritating on this thread that posters are saying allowing kids to self-regulating is lazy parenting. In fact it's quite the opposite, making them go to bed at a specific time or removing phones removes any parenting aspect. Building trust and respect and dealing with consequences requires a lot more effort IMO.

So do you build trust re playing out late unsupervised?

Speaking as a teacher, I wish more parents would. The drama I have to often unpack the next day from horrible comments made to eachother, and their lack of sleep from texting all night could quite easily be avoided.

I'm calling BS on the "I check their snapchat" comment. And if you ask your kids if their friends have "spam" insta accounts they will probably tell you they do. They wont tell you about their own, but they almost all have them. A 14 year old can outsmart us all.

Whilst kids are teaching themselves to self regulate without support they're texting their education away. They are kids and can't be relied on.

I thought my ds was a model self regulater until I saw a low light from the hallway when I went to bed late one night at 1pm. Ds had been keeping his phone under his pillow and was finishing a game the night before a really important maths test.

Interestingly one of my dc now brings his phone down voluntarily whenever starting homework. He says he says he likes it being out of temptation and grudgingly admitted us enforcing restrictions was working and a good thing. I put my screens away and try to model compartmentalising i.e. having specific time slots for recreational screen time. Not quite there yet with his younger sister.

I started forgetting so have now put a block on her phone from 10pm until 7.30am and I check she's asleep when I go up.At weekends it all goes off when I go to bed.

Toomanytealights - some people do, I have friends that have had few boundaries re going out. Personally I don't allow this, I have been letting DS out slowly and building it up. Same as I have with bedtime and phone usage. I think you have to build these things up. It's not a case of a free for all, it takes time and guidance.

Tealights - your DS is self regulating though, he is making a decision that he prefers his phone out of his room.