People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

I’m with you OP, it’s one of my pet hates. I have an acquaintance who I’m sure knows absolutely nothing about me. 😂 She talks endlessly about herself, her kids, her recent shopping trips without ever asking any questions about how my family is/what I’ve been doing recently/the normal sorts of questions acquaintances might ask each other. I find it very self-absorbed.

Some people are aware of it and will say e.g. ‘Oh, I’ve prattled in about myself, what about you?’ But there are many who don’t seem to realise they’re doing it, or who just don’t know that it is polite to ask reciprocal questions!

I know people are only being friendly and trying to make conversation, when I meet them, but I get irked by intrusive questions from people I barely know.

I am quite introverted and don't like to tell people much tbh. Especially personal stuff. People can be cunts and will use stuff against you at a later date.

Personally I like to keep to myself and if it's someone I've just met I usually get panicky and over think everything they say and everything I answer

So usually I try to be as polite but as quiet as I can because it makes me very nervous meeting new people and I overreact and get in my head.
If people are this way with you don't take it personally , like you said you've only just met them so you don't know how they normally act etc

YANBU Op. From the other point of view, I'd rather get the other person talking than answer their questions (lazy).

I was raised not to ask personal questions, so I never ask what do you do/where do you live/are you married/do you have children/etc. People reveal this information in conversation if they want to.

I am sometimes surprised when chatting to people how inquisitive they are. In my area of London (which is very mixed in terms of nationality, educational level, career, home ownership, you name it) I find middle class white people are quite shameless about trying to establish whether you are socially suitable for them to associate with.

I'm with PPs who hate the questions type conversations. It's just weird! Conversations shouldn't be about questions! It's just so stilted if it's a to and fro of questions and shows how awkward you both are...and if that was happening, I'd dry up and end it I'm afraid! If two people are getting along well the conversation would just flow naturally after an initial introduction. If not, why would you want to waste your time with awkwardness? I've had people actually say to me, 'What 3 questions do you want to ask me?' and I'm like 😲🙄 none (ego alert!!)

I work with someone like that, waterlego , I know everything about her, her family, her past, her hopes and fears and yet I KNOW she knows nothing about me at all because she has never asked. I think she just likes people she can talk AT.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)
Hm... I think you're the one that needs to offer information first.

"Oh, my LO has been especially ... [curious, happy, loud, fussy etc] this weekend. How is your Florence doing?"
You may not even need to ask the second question. It will generally be reciprocated.

However, if you ask a question before offering you own information you've basically demanded somethig without offering / giving something first.

In some situations I am mute , in others I am chatty. Surely everyone is like this so why fake it?

Depends what the ambience is, the look of the person/people.

I would have nothing whatsoever to say nor would I be interested in what the fake tan fake boob bling manicured coiffured brigade have to say.

But someone rurally who has straw sticking out of their clothes, have a dog on the lead, a ready smile and a whiff of cheval then I would be more inclined to chat to them

I remember reading years ago (sorry, can't remember where) that this is something that can indicate somebody's class in different scenarios (such as entering an interview room and the first few awkward moments before settling down to the questions). Difficulty making small talk to fill the gaps in awkward social situations was associated with the working classes.

Obviously, this isn't a blanket thing but I remember thinking that it was quite interesting as I know loads of 'chatty' WC people who I know could fill conversational gaps without taking a breath, but I also know that loads of my MC friends are more at ease making small talk with strangers. So I don't know whether I agree with it or not.

Also, jumping straight into questions about work, their career and their life?

Are you in the UK? As a foreigner that used to live in the UK... This seems atypical to me personally. Very forward, blunt, maybe even "nosy".

wow this thread really has gotten some interesting and varied responses...!

I think we are all sort-of saying the same thing here, but our stance is dominated by who prevails in our social circle.

Those who know people like in waterlegos example er towards ‘not asking questions is rude’ while those of us regularly subjected to the Spanish Inquisition every time we twitch think otherwise!

I did once snarl at a colleague to stop asking me questions. It was unspeakably rude of me but I’d had enough.

Pickachew

One of DH's relatives doesn't ask any questions at all. never has, and I've known her for 15+ years. There is plenty she could ask us about - our jobs, plans, the DC, holidays ... all the normal stuff. But she doesn't, she just talks about herself all the time. So her family, her DC, her Grandchildren, her garden, her interests. I ask her questions so that she thinks I am interested (I have no idea why I would want her to be reassured that I am interested, now that I think about it). but she never ever reciprocates. It is wearing.

On one of the threads that runs periodically about what it is important for our children to learn, someone said that it was very important for them to know how to have a polite, pleasant conversation with someone who could do absolutely nothing for them. I am amazed at the lack of empathy on here and the lack of understanding on how to engage with people that we may only meet for a short time. it's nice to be nice and that includes engaging with someone who is making an effort with you.

Oh, btw, ime safe topics:

Weather

Compliments (not if you're a man and talking to men, btw... And don't talk about people's houses / furniture. That's rude / a minefield)

The drive to work / school etc (complaining about the road)

Seasonal things ("Oh, I still have to do my Christmas shopping etc...)

Non-political news or natural disasters (actually, stick to the natural disasters.)

"Frilly" things (I've recently found the most perfect applea tree etc...)

Age, money (which includes the career!), house prices, religion, politics.. anything that may be considered "prying"? These aren't safe small talk topics imo,

I have a foot in both camps op. I have people who are very introverted and people are very socially awkward in my family (two of my children with ASD and probably my mother as well). I am somewhat in the middle I am not an introvert but I don't feel the need always to fill silences. I am happy to talk and ask and answer questions but I don't do it just because I can.

These days I like to keep a lot of "light and polite" acquaintances and a handful of good friends. I also have to speak on the mobile to my middle daughter as she walks home from school, I have been doing this for 2 1/2 years. That means I can't really start conversations on the playground at pick up which is probably the main daily opportunity for conversation with people you vaguely know situation.

I suppose my fear in a small village is getting on closer acquaintance with people sometimes I find I don't want to get to know better. Sometimes I like people best when I am on a nodding and smiling level with them. If I find out they are racist or whatever then I have to ignore them. Awkwardness ensues. When I lived in a metropolis then conversation was more natural and flowing as both parties where not obligated to tread the same square couple of miles!

In conclusion, I understand the art of conversation, I apply it sparingly cos sometimes I just want to stay on a superficial level of intimacy with people and one conversation will generally lead naturally to more if you see each other regularly. But also I understand some people are bloody awful at conversation and that doesn't mean they are bad people. Being good at conversation doesn't make you a good person. I work in an advice charity - one that deals daily with people in awful situations, they may be the same people too wrapped up in their own misery to make polite enquiries about your job or your holidays.

I am amazed at the lack of empathy on here and the lack of understanding on how to engage with people that we may only meet for a short time. it's nice to be nice and that includes engaging with someone who is making an effort with you

I agree. I find the lack of social nous on here extraordinary.

Why should I have to engage with people if I do not wish to gin?

I won’t be rude to people as a rule but if I am on a bus or a train and want to read or think or work, why should I have to respond to small talk?

I won’t be rude but I will make it clear I am not ‘chatty.’

I stick to the old fashioned British rules of social engagement... Start with a smile and 'hello' to gauge the reaction, if the welcome is reciprocated then generic statement on the weather, if there is no reciprocation then conversation is not required at that time. Any more than 3 questions in a row and the conversation is unrequited and it's time to be 'busy' with something else.

I'm interested in people up to a point. I generally think most people talk far too much. So much sometimes that there are few questions needed.

I only ask questions if I've got a genuine interest in that person. So, person I've just randomly met, or new work colleague I'm not that bothered.

Dolphin OP isn't talking about a bus or train, she specified a social situation like 1on 1 play date for a couple of hours.

Would you refuse to talk in that scenario?