People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

SteamTrains Jesus that’s a bit aggressive!

It is and I apologise to OP and everyone else.

I just don't like being questioned about myself. It's because I don't really trust people (always have & always will).

I thought about this thread today after I'd popped into the opticians to pick up some contact lenses.

I think I was in there for three minutes and the lady and I covered:

• the weather and how cold it is
• why I wasn't wearing a coat
• what gym We both go to
• the ticket machine in the M&S car park is broken again so I parked free
• bloody teenagers

We both enjoyed it as far as I could tell. She volunteered as much info as me

I've ditched quite a lot of friends who bore on about themselves and who never ask about me or remember anything I've told them.

frogclimber, I have found your posts on this thread very interesting and eloquent. Thank you for sharing the information about the Gottman Institute research.

castlepark, do you have plenty left who do ask? I ditch friends who ask little but find it so hard to find better ones to replace them with. I've had a few wonderful friends who have brought so much happiness to my life but a lot of them have moved away over the years or dropped contact for other reasons (several who were ex-boyfriends ended up with women who didn't want them to stay in touch with exes).

" some people (men, usually) go through the motions of asking all the right questions in the name of polite social discourse but they aren't really interested in the answer and won't remember anything you tell them, so when you meet them next they ask all the same questions on a loop. I hate that and I see right through it."

That actually reminds me of a few of my former bosses. It's like they pretend to be interested in their underlings, but aren't really. I'd rather they didn't bother asking really.

castlepark, do you have plenty left who do ask

It's hard isn't it, it seems to be an epidemic! I've always had a close relationship with my sisters and they're basically my main friends now! And two other women who I keep in touch with and always have a lovely time when I see them.

I just found seeing the ones who don't ask so tiring, it always felt really hard work and I felt quite drained at the end of meeting. I don't get much of a social life as it is with two young kids so I like to use my time wisely!

I enjoy those random connections. In Boots buying dds first sanitary protection somehow mentioned it to older Boots lady and had lovely woman to woman chat about how she helped her dds when they started and how shocking it is the first time. Was nice.

Thank you waterlego. I'm actually feeling rather inelegant today due to a headache although this is a topic that is dear to my heart!

I read something once along the lines of "people don't like you for who you are but for who they are when they're with you" and while that's an obvious simplification, I immediately realised how true it was. No matter how funny or interesting another person is, if I don't find myself being funny and interesting with them, I won't care much for their company. So I always do my best to ask people the kind of questions that get them telling their funniest, most interesting stories, so they can feel that buzz, and then feel endlessly frustrated when I get no, few or poor quality questions in return, meaning my opportunities to show my best side are really limited.

To all the people who think they will be perceived as rude and nosy if they ask people stuff, there was some research done recently that might put your minds at rest:

www.npr.org/2017/11/29/567133944/people-like-people-who-ask-questions

It found that asking questions makes people more likeable overall, and in particular people who ask follow-up questions. I think this is another important point to make as I sometimes meet someone who asks a decent question early on and you think it will lead to interesting chat but then you volunteer a bunch of what you consider to be meaty information that could spark all sorts of new conversational directions and they just nod and go back to talking about themselves and you realise it was a token gesture. They weren't actually interested.

And I meant to say that I have also very much enjoyed your contributions "waterlego" - you've made far more than me though! Loads to be thinking about and I have found myself nodding along to most of your points!

I chatted to a woman in the waitrose cafe today about how she recently became a grandmother but the baby lives in Cyprus and was meant to be coming over for a week today but his passport never arrived.

Was a nice way to pass the time in the queue with my squirmy toddler and holding my baby!

I'm staying with my elderly parents and they're absolutely hilarious. They will strike up conversation anyway and everywhere. Either singly or in pairs. Including punks in a shoe shop in carnaby st. I don't think their attempts at small talk are always appreciated but they sure won't be lonely. I can sometimes find it hard to strike up conversation with strangers as I am shy and insecure but I do believe the best way forward is to ask them about themselves or family (if it's a kid related event). It's very interesting then to see if they can / want to respond in kind or just start a monologue about themselves or their kids. There are some fellow parents I know through school / music activities who never ever ask me questions. I think they're boring and incredibly bloody rude. But at the same time it also erodes my self esteem . Interesting thread!

YANBU
I have acquaintances that will never ask me questions despite me asking them about themselves / making an effort / small talk. I'll be genuinely interested and trying to engage with them but get nothing asked in return. It's rude.
They'll never be 'friends' to me as long as this happens !

I agree with the OP. Chatting is a skill. For those that say they feel they're being given the Spanish inquisition or however you phrase it, people asking questions aren't usually that interested in you. We're just making conversation. We're not trying to find out information for any particular reason, just trying to find common ground. The alternative is sitting there in silence. Of course, there are gossips who try and prise everything out of you. Best to avoid those. But most people are just easing the wheels of social intercourse. It's a good thing to learn otherwise you come over weird and anti-social.

The alternative is sitting there in silence.

That's ok with me, as I'll have a book with me.

It's a good thing to learn otherwise you come over weird and anti-social.

Again that's ok with me.

The alternative is sitting there in silence.

That's ok with me as well, as I'll also have a book device with me. If you ignore them for long enough then maybe they will get the hint and stop asking questions. The trick is to avoid eye contact, and grunts work faster to shut them up than nodding (which they often confuse with interest).

Julie and steamtrain I think the thread is about situations where both people have already opted in to the conversation but one makes no effort. I really don't care for people trying to strike up conversations with me on public transport or in situations where I haven't shown any desire to connect but if I'm at a networking event or a party I would assume that other people have chosen to attend on the understanding that the point is to interact with people. It's bad form to interact but make no effort for the other person in these circumstances while it's perfectly legitimate to show you don't want to chat if you haven't signed up for social interaction. I don't think anyone is saying there is anything wrong with that.

Really, I can see both sides. I can ask questions fine, but I hate being asked even simple questions like “what did you do at the weekend?” or “what do you do?” as I feel like I don’t have a good answer/sound boring. I remember being at university and a guy in my seminar group asked me how my weekend was; I hadn’t really done a thing bar eating/sleeping. I was very conscious of the fact that this guy was very different to me socially (he was/is confident and popular, I was/am not) and so I just replied “oh, I didn’t do anything really”. I completely forgot to ask him the same question, although I probably would now. The fact that this was three years ago and I still remember it is significant; I tend to dwell on any perceived “mistakes”/over-analyse what I say to people who I don’t know very well. He’s a totally lovely guy, but I was so prepccupied with people not thinking that I was a sad weirdo who never went out anywhere that I just clammed up.

The good thing about predictable questions toffee is that you can prepare for them. I sometimes have weekends where I'm dull as all hell but I just try to put a positive spin on it. I say I had a few epic sleeps, watched some quality TV and recharged my batteries and that it could have been more interesting but that it was awesome any way. I think just expressing some positivity will make the other person smile, and then you just ask them what they got up to. If someone judges you because you didn't have a high octane all adventure weekend then they're not really worth knowing.

AnnieL Do you mean asocial instead of anti-social?

This thread has made me wonder if I am actually too intense and ask questions that are too personal. People open up to me though - I hate small talk and can't see the point of asking banal questions. I listened to something on the internet recently which was saying that introverts are often very secure in themselves and don't need to talk in order to make themselves feel better, whereas extroverts will natter on and often they are more nervous and unsure of themselves. I am definitely an introvert. Will look for one person to talk to in depth, but hate the empty social chit chat. However, I invariably end up asking all the questions and listening. It hadn't actually occurred to me that a lot of people hate talking about personal stuff and want to keep others at bay. I am confusing myself here.

Also, I absolutely loathe the current trend for people on the phone to behave as if they are your best mate. The BT engineer, or the internet banking person, or someone sorting out some utility bill . They ask you how you are and how your weekend is going or whatever. I want to scream 'fuck off, i don't know you, just please sort out my issue'. Or asking if they can call you by your Christian name. If I say, 'no please don't' I sound up myself. It's a horrible habit that's come from America, and I detest it.

I’m sorry if this has been covered but I have 2 rules in life 1) if I've asked 3 questions and I’ve not had one back I stop talking (I worked in an industry with lots of male egos and they loved talking endlessly about themselves). Before My rule was instigated the record was 19 questions and not one back me (he was a pilot and of course I’d want to hear all about it). I don’t think he even asked by name. But went into minutiae detail about aircraft types etc.
My other rule is if I wouldn’t cross the street and go for a beer with you, then we shouldn’t be Facebook (applied this rule to a Facebook cull recently)
Only the first life rule actually applies to this thread, but they are my 2 life rules! They’re serving me well at the moment.

Its no you, it's me.
I struggle to ask questions. I hate small talk, partly because I struggle to retain information, so I often end up asking the same question more than once, which comes across as not really interested when I am interested.
And partly, and it's a little partly, because sometimes as a pp so eloquently put it; Sometimes i don't give a shit.
Mostly I do, but small talk for the sake of small talk is difficult for me. I struggle to think of questions to ask, so end up with long silences. But I don't think I'm self absorbed, it's not as though I'd rather be talking about me me me, I'd rather you talked about you, just don't expect me to ask questions, I'd rather you volunteered the information.

I hate small talk, partly because I struggle to retain information, so I often end up asking the same question more than once, which comes across as not really interested when I am interested.

It's normal to not remember everything everyone tells you. If you find yourself being told something and immediately realising you already have this information and must have asked before, just say "oh, yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry, I remember you telling me that". It happens from time to time and it's not the end of the world.