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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 17:26

Waterlego, that is an act of kind consideration, talking to people whom you know need that interaction, despite not necessarily wanting to Smile

However, someone upthread said:

...'My kids warn their new friends that I'll have 20 questions ready but I believe it puts people at ease to talk and to be included and listened to. I believe in being interested and interesting.'...

Such persons should come with a warning sign, well, their DC act as one, obviously out of need.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/02/2018 17:33

For example, I’m not necessarily overjoyed if a senior citizen or a person with some degree of learning difficulty starts a conversation with me on a bus. But I might recognise that this is something they are seeking, for their own well-being. I’m quite happy to nod along and smile in that situation. And we can’t always tell if someone has a ‘genuine’ social difficulty. We can’t always tell if they’re lonely. If they are seeking conversation, we can sometimes put our own preferences to one side and donate 5 minutes to listen to someone who wants to talk.

Totally agree. All the terribly lonely people about.... there but for the grace of God. Flowers

InToMyHeart · 12/02/2018 17:36

I have ASD but it isn't noticeable to other people so they would have no idea if I didn't tell them (and I generally don't tell random strangers!)
I find conversations like the OP described very difficult but I try my best. To be honest, the idea that someone would be monitoring how many questions I ask in comparison to them or judging me for it makes me feel very uncomfortable and upset.
Some people just find it difficult and I think it's a bit off for you to judge them. If they're pretty much strangers to you then you can't know whether they have any issues with this and you are judging them unfairly without knowing anything about them.
Well done for being great at small talk. Don't be smug enough to judge others who aren't as good as you!

Oblomov18 · 12/02/2018 17:44

Has to be equal. I ask questions because I'm interested and want to know.
I expect the friend to ask me. Because I expect them to want to know.

That's what makes friendships develop and deepen.

GerdaLovesLili · 12/02/2018 17:52

I try not to ask personal questions because I don't like answering them, so I assume other people might think I was nosy if I did ask them. I don't want to share my house value, my spouse's job or the school my children attend with you, because it always seems to me that these questions are designed to place you on a financial or social scale. "Are you and your children suitable to interact with my children?"

Spontaneous conversations about shared interests are a whole different ball-game: do you share the same favourite author? Do you share a similarly ridiculous hobby? Do you have an excellent recipe for cake? All fine. But I don't get forced small-talk at all.

I've learned over the years that I am unlikely to run into randoms at social events that I have anything in common with and the whole small-talk thing is pointless. If all you want to talk about is "you" I probably won't want to interact with you, and you'll just think I'm rude.

I've also learned that honestly answering the personal questions that acquaintances ask usually leads to me and my family being gossiped about behind my back.

meredintofpandiculation · 12/02/2018 18:18

Agree with others about mils - how come they can regale you with anecdotes about Maureen's Brian from no. 29 but know nothing about their own dil? My own aged parent can be a bit like this. But I realised it's not lack of interest, it's just that after a day with nothing but the radio for company, the overwhelming need is to TALK, and that squeezes out any chance to listen to what the family is up to.

But they are interested in my life and family, so I send them a daily email with our news, then next next time I pop round, instead of anecdotes about Maureen's Brian from no 29 I get monologues of things that might be useful to my children, and perhaps even a few questions.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 18:19

Its not about personal questions Hmm

Its about people that don't ask ANY questions of the person they are talking to but blether on about themselves. A sadly common occurence.

zeezee3 · 12/02/2018 18:23

@waterlego

zeezee, I would be really tempted to tell her I was becoming an astronaut. Then the next week, I’d tell her it wasn’t working out so I am going to try being a dog groomer. The following week: undertaker. And just keep going with that.

Ha ha Grin I may just try that you know!!!

As a few people have said, apart from having people talk to me who ask personal and intrusive and annoying questions, I have also had people who do nothing but talk about themselves til I am almost crying with boredom. I mean, some people are lovely, and chat casually and I enjoy having a little chat with them. But yeah, some people are annoying.

A few people have accused people who are shy and don't like to talk much of being 'boring,' but in my experience, some people who talk and talk and talk like there's no tomorrow (about themselves!) or who keep asking loads and loads of intrusive questions about YOU, are the boring ones! Confused

OutyMcOutface · 12/02/2018 18:33

@berryferry but I wouldn't want to get to know someone better if they don't have basic manners. When I am on a play date and the other mother mentions her work/husband/plans for other children/parents/health condition/favourite sex position I will respond with mine where possible (ok, not the sex position but the rest) because that's how you get to know people. It's not hard to be polite about it-share you're formation first, if the other person doesn't return then they clearly don't want to talk about it and you shouldn't push it.

wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 18:57

There're such a things as 'over-sharing' and being overly familiar, both ghastly...

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 18:58

Holy fuck you sound like hard work. No wonder people don't want to talk to you

Except I never said they didn't Blackchina you made it up. All this abuse simply because I said some people are rather dull and don't have much to say. I don't think many people would disagree...

Tanith · 12/02/2018 19:18

"Men can be like it too. DH got trapped on a lads drinks with a dad bore. Him, him, his kids, him. Didn't ask one question of DH"

DH once got trapped with a naturalist. I was chatting to his very nice wife, not realising that the desperate, appealing looks DH was giving me were down to excruciating embarrassment and not just because he had to talk to the man Grin

Belindabauer · 12/02/2018 19:46

This is why I always try and sit next to my best friend dd at work and not end up sat near those I'm not as keen on.
It's so much easier to talk to some people than others,
This thread also proves the point that you should never separate friends or couples at weddings or other social gatherings. Imagine having to make conversation with someone who clearly does not want to speak to you.

JeffsNewAngle · 12/02/2018 20:17

I loath being asked questions by perky people who hate silence. I think it feels like they’re stupid and boring that they have to dig up conversation to satisfy their lack of imagination. What’s wrong with their own thoughts that they’re unhappy with them?

When I’m on a play date/ at the playground, I’m just relishing the time my kids are occupied by their friends and they’re not pestering me for things.

Having said that, if someone wants to talk about things that are important, like their finances, or their sex life, or their crazy MIL, then I’m all ears, and will happily let them pour their hearts out.

castlepark · 12/02/2018 20:26

I think it feels like they’re stupid and boring that they have to dig up conversation to satisfy their lack of imagination. What’s wrong with their own thoughts that they’re unhappy with them?

What a charmer you are! Snob.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 20:30

Jeff, If a play date was in a person’s house, would you honestly just sit in silence with your host? Don’t get me wrong, silence is lovely but more so with people you know well.

BrandNewHouse · 12/02/2018 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

falang · 12/02/2018 20:40

It's good manners to talk to someone you don't know if you are sitting next to them at a wedding or other function. It's also good manners to take an interest in them and ask some questions to enable the conversation to flow. This should happen from both people. That's all it is. Good manners. It's bad manners to ask very personal questions.

BrandNewHouse · 12/02/2018 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

falang · 12/02/2018 21:01

I agree Brandnewhouse. I have had the misfortune to sit next to these people on a few occasions. Self absorbed fools.

CheeseyToast · 12/02/2018 21:02

I so agree with you OP and I'd be very happy to meet more people like you.

As some previous posters have noted, many folk lack simple social skills. And I agree that men are the worst offenders, something I attribute to sheer sexism, that we should hang off every word a man says. Bleugh

frogclimber · 12/02/2018 21:09

I think it feels like they’re stupid and boring that they have to dig up conversation to satisfy their lack of imagination. What’s wrong with their own thoughts that they’re unhappy with them?

They're likely not unhappy with them and are in no way lacking in imagination. They will be sitting there waiting for you to show an interest in what they have to say so they can share their thoughts with you as they have likely been brought up to respect the fact that no matter how interesting their thoughts, opinions and life, not everyone will want to hear about them. What I find incredible though is when one person asks another absolutely nothing and then decides he or she is dull on the basis that they didn't say much. Of course they didn't say much if you didn't express the slightest interest in hearing what they had to say!

wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 21:17

Belinda...,

...'This thread also proves the point that you should never separate friends or couples at weddings or other social gatherings. Imagine having to make conversation with someone who clearly does not want to speak to you.'...

I don't think this thread does any such thing; at dinners or similar it's simply expected to always speak to the person on your right - if you are a woman - during the first course and then to the person on your left during second etc., this way no-one will be left out.

frogclimber · 12/02/2018 21:20

I've read a fair bit about relationships incidentally and asking questions is a form of "emotion work". It's effort that one makes on behalf of others for the sake of relationships. I think it is reasonable to expect that where you make this effort for others they reciprocate, otherwise they're living off your effort. You are working for them to benefit, which is where the resentment comes in if you don't get that effort back.

If you read any of the Gottman Institute research, they are quite clear about the fact that asking questions is a key part of making marriages and romantic relationships work. Their first key principle in their principles of success book was essentially that individuals in successful marriages never stop asking their partner questions. I think this applies to most relationships although obviously you have to be aware that the types of questions asked will depend on the type of relationship or acquaintance.

IsThisMeToo · 12/02/2018 21:21

I struggle with small talk too.

I hope to be good at this though as I get mistaken for standoffish.

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