People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

Perhaps not address, but career for instance can be a difficult question. Most people have had hard times in their career, or had to give it up for various reasons, are job hunting or just never flew as high as they'd hoped. Unless they are good friends and open with you, this question can be a total killer.

I'm sure most of us have also witnessed the "what do you do" question followed by an up- or down-regulation of interest and value judgement depending on the answer.

I have friends I know really well and spend time with, I'm not on the outlook for any more. My work is around asking people really personal questions day in day in.

I don't talk about myself a lot with people I don't really know. I don't ask questions because I'm not interested.

Paxilin, I don’t like the ‘what do you do?’ question either, because I don’t work very much and worry that they are judging me. But then I remind myself that they’re just trying to make a connection with me, so I might just say: ‘Well not much, at the moment but...’ and then find something else to talk about! I certainly don’t feel offended when people ask it, as I know they’re just following fairly traditional conventions of how to converse with people you don’t know very well.

I'm sure most of us have also witnessed the "what do you do" question followed by an up- or down-regulation of interest and value judgement depending on the answer.

I avoid the 'what do you do' question because it can come across a query into status.

If I'm seated next to someone at a dinner party, I normally start with 'how do you know John and Joan (host)'.

If I'm on the pitch, I normally say 'which kid is yours'.

Harvey, I’m assuming you don’t enjoy going to parties or weddings where you don’t know anyone? I know I don’t, but I will often find a kindred spirit somewhere who also doesn’t really want to be there! And if so, I might engage in conversation with them, if the alternative is to sit in a chair in silence for 4 hours.

Im really put off people who DONT ask questions or show an interest. I have so many aquaintances (neighbours, colleagues, fellow dog walkers) whose lives I know quite intimate details about yet they know nothing about me. Lots of people just want to talk to themselves. Conversation should be a 2 way thing and I avoid people who can't do it 50/50......well, except for those with problems.....I tend to stick around and lend an ear. My kids warn their new friends that I'll have 20 questions ready but I believe it puts people at ease to talk and to be included and listened to. I believe in being interested and interesting.

I wouldn't go to a party or wedding where I didn't know anyone. I think my age may be something to do it (entering 40s) so I literally don't do anything that I don't want to do unless I'm being paid for it

There is one woman I know (in my village) who asked me what I do (for a living,) when she met me a year or so ago.. I said 'I have taken early retirement after nearly 35 years in the civil service.' (I am 50.) Every damn time I see her, she asks me 'are you working yet?'

Or she just stares at me for a minute and then says 'do you think you will ever work again?' or 'you must miss work though.' (ERM NO!) Or 'do you not miss the company at work?' Again, no. I don't miss the stress and strain and targets and goals and bitchiness either. (It was cool for the first 25 years, but got stressful for the last 5-8 years...)

She does my head in actually. Constantly asking if and when I am going back to work, and why I am not ...! Thing is, she is 3 years older than me, and has to work til she is 67, and cannot accept or deal with the fact I have finished work at 50. For good.

As has been said, some people are nosey and intrusive. There is being interested, and there is being bleedin' nosey!

I also do not like intrusive questions and nosey people. And yes it is rude to say people are boring (with no life) if they don't want to talk to you!

I hear you Harvey! I am already the wrong side of 40 and very much enjoy my own company over that of others. But occasionally I have had to go to events when I didn’t want to- because I knew it was important to the birthday girl/hen/mum to be whatever the occasion is. So of course I didn’t HAVE to, but in order to not hurt someone’s feelings, or to make them a little happier, I will do it. (But only if I really like them!)

zeezee, I would be really tempted to tell her I was becoming an astronaut. Then the next week, I’d tell her it wasn’t working out so I am going to try being a dog groomer. The following week: undertaker. And just keep going with that.

Think we are all talking at cross purposes! No one is suggesting getting in someones face and barking questions at them. I think a group of us are bemoaning the self absorbed types who talk on for ages about themselves and their children without showing an iota of interest in anyone else or pausing and perhaps asking "how are your children getting on" after you have been taken through every nuance of Tilly's after school activities, school grades and friendship issues

That’s exactly the issue KARALA. Half of us are expressing frustration with the types of people you describe (who never ask questions). The other half seem to have the idea that we go around barking personal questions at complete strangers. 😂🤔

KERALA1 I think there is a lot of talking at cross purposes on this thread! Ironic really given that it's about how to converse!

I also have a sister in law like this (waves to awoken3)

She literally never ever ever asks anyone anything about themselves, well no one in the family that is.. not sure how she is with friends or even if she's got any.

If you ask her something she will answer but by god it is like pulling teeth!

It makes it a bit awkward when I go to stay with my brother but after 20 years of knowing her I've got used to it by now and whilst I used to get slightly offended I've learned to accept it.

I don't know if she realises she's like this and can't help it or she doesn't realise, or maybe she just doesn't really give a shit?

And they’re proper mardy about it because they already have friends, and they don’t need any more. Even if they did, they wouldn’t make friends with us, ‘cause we are unbearable with all our millions of intrusive questions (they imagine).

ReelingLush18

^ what she said^

There's a real art in 'social discourse' that's sadly lacking in many people. I always pitch my chat according to who I'm talking to, so my chat with a stranger would completely different to my chat with my brother in law for instance.

Actually, speaking of DBIL, he's the worst for not showing any interest in people. He's constantly on transmit about his 'very important job' in a Midlands market town for micro-company. He never goes beyond 'how's work' and 'hows the cat' with me. That's all the interest I get and no matter what I say, he never follows up. He's the same with everyone though so I don't take it personally. He still thinks I go out clubbing and dating even though I'm middle aged now. He never asks about countries I've visited even though he goes into a monologue after each of his visits to Spain a well known bit of Europe. So dull.

I've known people with wonderful social skills though and it's a pleasure to talk to them. When I was young I always used to model my social skills on the person who made me feel most comfortable in this respect, which was my aunt, she was fantastic at getting even the most shy wall flower to open up.

I met up with friends and family over christmas and they bought two of their friends with them. The male half of this couple lasted all of two hours before firing the inevitable 'so what do you do then' question at me (while I had my mouth full of cake). There are so many more elegant ways of introducing this topic that I'm still surprised when anyone just blurts this out as soon as they've met me.

One of my friends is the opposite. She'll ask all sorts of questions and I don't mind because she's my friend but she's had a lot of therapy and I can tell when she's using the techniques on me. For instance, 'tell me more about that?' or 'how did that make you feel?' Just feels so false.

Laughing at 'a verbal gattling gun.' Quite!

Admittedly barking questions at complete strangers does sound quite fun

I think I am also saying that I believe it is worth making a little effort to interact with people you don't know.

It may be that people's current life is quite full with work, children etc.They don't think they want new friends. And yes, of course, a few quiet moments are often necessary. It's not compulsory to be sociable all the time.

But things change. Children leave home. Old friendships may change - people move away.

I've had to deal with a parent in law who was really really isolated because he 'kept himself to himself', 'didn't like people being nosey' etc. This meant that as his few remaining friends died off he was utterly alone. It's also a possibility that his wish to keep himself to himself in some ways accelerated his dementia - which made it even harder for him to interact with others. (Use it or lose it)

We may end up living long lives. In terms of our longer term emotional, mental and physical health I think it is really important to put ourselves in new situations and interact with new people on a regular basis. (As well as taking time out to curl up with a good book.)

Agree with KERALA1 (as usual )

What is wrong with "small talk"? People sneer at it as if they are on a higher plane and are much more comfortable discussing the finer points of astrophysics, but a few pleasantries when you're with someone just makes it... more pleasant.

And you can't possibly talk about politics with a complete stranger... or even worse, someone who is not a complete stranger. It's just a recipe for fisticuffs.

I agree with the "What do you do?" question, as it is often a thinly-disguised way of judging whether someone is worth talking to. In fact I often wish I had the guts to make up something like "part-time lion tamer" or some such in response to this question.

Agree with others about mils - how come they can regale you with anecdotes about Maureen's Brian from no. 29 but know nothing about their own dil?

What is wrong with "small talk"? People sneer at it as if they are on a higher plane and are much more comfortable discussing the finer points of astrophysics, but a few pleasantries when you're with someone just makes it... more pleasant.

To be fair, I don't like deep discussions with strangers/new acquaintances either :D

I prefer to listen, to be honest. Most people don't need much encouragement. And if someone doesn't talk, then it's ok to sit in silence too :).

Harriet, that’s sad about your FIL.

I think it also taps into idea that making conversation is not just about what benefits you, but what might benefit the other person.

For example, I’m not necessarily overjoyed if a senior citizen or a person with some degree of learning difficulty starts a conversation with me on a bus. But I might recognise that this is something they are seeking, for their own well-being. I’m quite happy to nod along and smile in that situation. And we can’t always tell if someone has a ‘genuine’ social difficulty. We can’t always tell if they’re lonely. If they are seeking conversation, we can sometimes put our own preferences to one side and donate 5 minutes to listen to someone who wants to talk.

WaterLego, that’s lovely. We could do with more people like you 😊

YANBU. I find it weird as when people are closed like that. Who cares whether or not either of you are deeply interested, it's polite and courteous in a social situation to show an interest. Most of us aren't desperate to know the details of a person's life but when a situation calls for some small talk it's much easier if both people make an effort. Having said that I do think there are people who just struggle a bit socially so I try not to judge harshly.

We can’t always tell if they’re lonely. If they are seeking conversation, we can sometimes put our own preferences to one side and donate 5 minutes to listen to someone who wants to talk

Definitely, I get a lot of older people approaching me and talking to me about my young kids when I'm out and about and then telling me about theirs, I'm not always in the mood to chat but actually always enjoy having a natter and can tell they enjoy remembering their kids' younger days.

I have so many aquaintances (neighbours, colleagues, fellow dog walkers) whose lives I know quite intimate details about yet they know nothing about me. Lots of people just want to talk to themselves.

Goodness yes. I have so many people in my life like this (on the peripheries). I reach a point with people like this where I start asking absurdly detailed questions in a bid to jar them into self-awareness, but it... never happens. Example:

Me: So, how's Sarah?
Sarah's Mother: Oh, great, we're just trying to figure out whether she's going to St. Pauls or Wycombe Abbey... needs to decide which has the better lacrosse programme.... she'd like have had the option at Latymer but only on the waitlist.... violin scholarship.... poetry competition.... swimming nationals..... possibly has anemia.... having a difficult time with some girls at school.... doing some babysitting in the neighbourhood.....

I nod and smile for a while but then change tack:

Oh really, what's Sarah reading these days?
Do you like her friends, are they nice girls?
Does Sarah like to ski, then?
... and so on, all met with enthusiastic responses, until finally I say, well, great to see you! gotta run! And Sarah's mother says: Oh, Museum, how are you? How's your family? And I say, everyone's doing well, thanks so much for asking!

Juvenile and passive aggressive, yes, but amusing.

What is wrong with "small talk"? People sneer at it as if they are on a higher plane and are much more comfortable discussing the finer points of astrophysics, but a few pleasantries when you're with someone just makes it... more pleasant.

I think most people would prefer to avoid it. Not they'd rather be discussing physics, but standing in comfortable silence.