People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

Personally I can’t bear small talk and I generally just don’t want to know about people I have just met. It’s exhausting for me.

I completely agree with you op.

I gave a lift to a mum recently as she doesn't drive and we were going to watch a kids sporting fixture a couple of hours away - we knew each other vaguely and had kids in common so I obviously made an effort to make conversation. She talked non stop about herself and her kids but didn't ask me a single question in return - by the time I dropped her back I was tired and fed up from making all the effort (and bored!) and felt she was extremely rude.

In fact she was a teacher and I decided then that my kids would never go to that school because she displayed an appalling lack of social skills and I don't want her being a role model to my youngsters.

I can be really bad for this and it’s not that I mean to be rude or that I am not interested in other people. I think I just generally find conversation quite difficult.

What a pp said earlier about reciprocal stories resonated with me, I’m quite comfortable in that kind of conversation. I’m really bad when people ask me questions though, I kind of panic and put so much into formulating an interesting answer that’s more than one word long that I forget to ask them a question back.

Eg
How’s dd getting on at her new school?

Yes fine, seems to be enjoying it, has made some good friends. Has loads of homework though.

5 minutes later after the conversation has moved on I realise I should have added ‘and how about your dd?’ Unless I am lucky and the person I’m talking to picks up on something I’ve said and volunteers the information about their own dd without me asking directly ‘yes dd has had a lot of homework too, seems to be a big jump from primary school’. That seems to flow far more naturally to me but I’m trying to be more aware that some people prefer to be asked questions in return.

Personally I can’t bear small talk and I generally just don’t want to know about people I have just met. It’s exhausting for me

I totally understand this and i sometimes feel like this myself. Normally I'll just find a way to excuse myself from the conversation. That's different to just banging on about yourself the whole time.

And it's this prescriptive list of things we're allowed/not allowed to talk about from @wakemeupbeforeyougogo that is making me laugh.

I was teasing about a list wakemeup.
(Though of course, someone with a speech and language impairment/ASD might need a list).

And yes, the dull people who drone on are the ones a lot of us are talking about!

Thank you for your advice, but I’m actually very good at small talk, despite not liking it.

*I completely agree with you op.

I gave a lift to a mum recently as she doesn't drive and we were going to watch a kids sporting fixture a couple of hours away - we knew each other vaguely and had kids in common so I obviously made an effort to make conversation. She talked non stop about herself and her kids but didn't ask me a single question in return - by the time I dropped her back I was tired and fed up from making all the effort (and bored!) and felt she was extremely rude.*

Yep I think this is exactly the kind of person the op was talking about and I agree too.

Yep me too. Just makes you feel like an interviewer!

Quite tempting sometimes to say: ‘Anyway, enough about you, let’s talk about me’.

JOKE, obviously.

Troika we had the equivalent of that mum living with us for 2 weeks and by the end of that time DH and I (both pretty easy going well DH is) could both have cheerfully buried her under the patio.

It’s exhausting. I often wonder if this sort of person would even notice if I slipped away during the soliloquy. Might try that.

Ha, I don't think that type of person would notice.... how hard is it to just say "and what about yours?" After talking about their own kids or holiday etc.

merely wanting to "reach out" for no sinister purpose whatever other than to strike up a fleeting or longer lasting relationship

Sometimes it's just to pass the time rather than staring at a wall in awkward silence.

I totally agree, it's an epidemic.

I don't particularly mind if someone doesn't like small talk, I don't love it either, but please don't consume all the oxygen in the room with your self-promotion at dinner parties or on the rugby/football/whatever pitch.

Some people cannot be bothered with small talk. Some people don't like waffle. Some people consider it to be nosey. Some people don't like being nosey. Some people consider it to be private information. Some people might wonder why you want to know

Sometimes it's just to pass the time rather than staring at a wall in awkward silence.
Good point, I think I'll re-write my two groups:
Group A are just trying to make conversation and there's a high probability that they'll have completely forgotten the person within 24 hours
Group B are avoiding conversation because the think group A are being really nosy and will remember both them and their personal details for ever

A lot of people don’t like small talk Tina. People don’t generally do it for fun 😂

How else to fill 2 hours sitting in a near-stranger’s house while your kids play together elsewhere in the house?

Does anyone like small talk?! Its a necessary evil either so that it develops into something and you get a friend (unless you want to remain friendless for life which is your right I suppose but abit sad).

Or to keep the wheels of human life turning. Imagine being at a drinks party or waiting for kids to come out of school and there is total silence. Cringe!

I expect most people don't like small talk, but rather view it as the essential lubricant to social life maintainence. My husband requires 48 hours notice in advance of all social engagements so he can mentally prepare [wink

I think it's perfectly fine to avoid it, so long as you don't drop yourself into situations where it's nearly obligatory e.g. accepting a ride in someone's car or similar.

@ridingwindhorses

Yeah, they're rather dull and don't have much to say for themselves.

The implication of the poster I was responding to was that if you have to drag conversation out of someone there's something wrong with you. But the fact is some people are just not very interesting to talk to.

Holy fuck you sound like hard work. No wonder people don't want to talk to you.

You are most definitely the kind of person I will actively walk a mile out of my way to avoid.

@wakemeupbefore

OP, there's nothing more irritating than busy-bodies giving a third degree to all and sundry and calling it 'making conversation'. I generally just excuse myself and walk away.

This ^ One woman in my neighbourhood corners me to 'chat' now and again, and she asks what I do, where I work, what my husband does, where he works, what grade he is on, if our parents are still alive, what school our kids are at, where we go to drink and eat, how many siblings we have, if we get on, etc etc... THAT is not 'conversation,' that is her being a nosey cunt.

One neighbour of mine made the mistake of telling this woman that he has a rift with his brother and he is an asshole, and they have not spoken for 10 years. EVERY TIME she sees him, she grills him about it, why, when, where, what happened, if he will try and make it up and so on.

And she grills his wife too, saying 'if you met his brother on your own and you didn't know your husband, would you like his brother?' 'NO' says the wife. 'Yeah but be honest.' this woman says. She isn't gonna stop ranting on and asking questions til she gets the answers she wants and causes discord and disharmony between the couple..., And OMG does she like to gossip!

The poster RidingWindHorses sounds exactly like this ghastly woman. We all know a person like this. And no-one likes them.

I also loathe with a passion, people who feel the need to draw shy and introverted people 'out of their shell.'

Fuck off to the far side of fuck. Annoying patronising twats.

If any of you are in doubt about how to do social small talk, I can recommend this helpful video. (NB. Not all of the guests have got it quite right!)

I used to be a bit like you. I was interested in pEople and happy to meet new people, found it easy to chat and find points of mutual interest, I could make a few jokes and put people at ease.

Then I got ms. My brain shut down. I found it hard to see beyond the next 30 seconds and remaining upright took most of my concentration. I have worked really, really hard in the last 15 years to try to get my brain function back and have largely succeeded, though I am horribly aware of gaps.

I cannot cope with large groups. I cannot manage meeting new people, especially if I'm not at home. I can barely cope with members of my extended family. My brain just panics and blanks. I will happily listen to you all day, but I won't be able to get my brain working again until I know you better. Consequently, I will be incredibly annoying to you as I won't be able to come up with anything sensible to say to you, so we will never get to know each well enough to become friends. It is incredibly sad. Once My brain has stopped panicking because you're new and becomes relaxed enough around you for the blank brain-ness to go away then generally we'll get on alright. It's somehow getting over that initial hopeless awful stage. So please yack away at me should we meet, and just drop in at my home where my brain will function better....

All I can say is hopefully at least one person will come away from this today and realise that cross-examining someone about where they come from, what their address is and where they work (& what their husband does ) is not always seen as friendly.

No-one is proposing asking people for their address! 😂

Asking too many questions makes it more of an interview than a conversation. I much prefer the kind of chat which is exchanging stories.

I can manage social chit chat quite well, I just choose not to. As for someone button holing me and bombarding me with questions, I'd just think "how rude".