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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
PasDeDeux · 12/02/2018 14:09

Mangedteacups I think we have the same MIL!! She either talks about herself or talks at great length about people DH and I have never met! She knows nothing about me because she never asks and she also never shuts up so it's hard to get a word in edge ways.

BarbaraofSevillle · 12/02/2018 14:13

It doesn't bother me if someone asks what I do for a living, or if I have children, etc. I can understand someone who is unable to have children not liking to be asked though

Or if you have an unusual job like I do, it's quite uncomfortable being asked about it.

I just let people think I'm a tax inspector, undercover cop or a spy, as it's easier and explains why I don't talk about work.

wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 14:15

berry...,

...'What even when you're trying to get to know each other? Like on a play date like the op mentioned?'...

Just because my child is having a 'play-date' with yours doesn't mean I want to get to know you, surely it's not too difficult to grasp?
Polite small-talk in such forced situations should flow on neutral topics like weather, school activities DC like if any, news etc, not personal details.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 14:17

wakemeup Your expectations for conversation sound rather rigid and prescriptive.

HarrietSmith · 12/02/2018 14:17

My impression is that Mumsnetter is inhabited by master criminals with bizarre sexual fetishes.

Because after all what is there to hide?

'I've been with my partner ten years. I've got two kids. I used to live in Leeds. I work in admin.'

It's not like the world is going to fall apart, if the woman who is the mother of your child's friend, knows this stuff.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 14:19

Always find I agree with ladyincement - that is exactly the scenario I had in mind. Don't understand posters extrapolating strangers asking personal questions - don't think that's what the op meant anyway.

BartholinsSister · 12/02/2018 14:19

It could be for religious reasons, for Satanists to engage in pointless smalltalk could contravene the first and second Satanic Commandments.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 14:21

And it's rude and obnoxious to keep pushing and prying and asking personal questions, and then judging people who don't want to partake in a lengthy detailed conversation with you.

I’m certain that’s something we can all agree on. I don’t think you’ll find anyone on this thread is suggesting behaving in such a way.

HarrietSmith · 12/02/2018 14:24

I suppose the question is whether the Satanists will shake you by the hand. If the answer's yes, then they must be okay.

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 14:25

You’ve no idea just how hard it is, the simple act of conversing, for many people

No it's true, I don't. I don't really understand why that would be hard, but I do accept that some people do find it so. But some people who find social communication challenging are very interesting and some aren't. Some people don't have interests beyond sport and telly, don't have hobbies and don't have much to say. My aunt is a good example.

The implication of the poster I was responding to was that if you have to drag conversation out of someone there's something wrong with you. But the fact is some people are just not very interesting to talk to.

wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 14:25

waterlego, you are allowed to stipulate your own neutral topics and add to the list without too high of a penalty Hmm.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 14:25

It's rude and obnoxious to talk about yourself ad nauseum and never show even a passing interest in the person you are talking to.

That said dh and I worked with a woman who we called the international spy. She never disclosed anything ever, even her address. We were pretty friendly for years. I genuinely think her family were dodgy as they were super rich obscenely wealthy but from a poor country. I spent a whole day with her once and was still non the wiser Grin. Still rather that than a me me me person.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 14:27

wakemeup, that is most gracious of you. But I would be very fearful of getting it wrong. Asking someone if they like cooking, for example, is that too personal?

Boatsonthewater · 12/02/2018 14:31

There are SO many people who do this. It is truly unbelievable. A lot of people seem to genuinely have no interest in anyone or anything but themselves. Sometimes I just wonder why I bother. I end up doing all the listening and asking interested questions in so many conversations. i am genuinely interested, but i do resent the lack of reciprocal interest.

berryferry · 12/02/2018 14:32

Polite small-talk in such forced situations should flow on neutral topics like weather, school activities DC like if any, news etc, not personal details.

Bloody hell, just sounds like hard work to me, surely News is dodgy anyway cos most news is depressing or political.

Let's just talk about the weather for 2 hours righto.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 14:33

Boats we need to all find each other and leave the "me me me, enough about me what do you think of me?" types to bore the pants off each other.

Men can be like it too. DH got trapped on a lads drinks with a dad bore. Him, him, his kids, him. Didn't ask one question of DH Hmm

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 14:35

Great idea KARALA. The mememes can drone on endlessly at each other’s d the rest of us can have a proper conversation 😬

meredintofpandiculation · 12/02/2018 14:35

I do think that we can teach our children to be good at engaging in civilised conversation by modelling this at family meals/other social occasions. But only if we're any good at it ourselves! And of course the sort of things we'd talk to each other about within the family are different from the sort of things you'd talk to a work colleague about, or someone you met at a social event. So it's important for children to see parents or other carers interacting with non-family members.

berryferry · 12/02/2018 14:36

Chatted to a Mum at soft play today, we asked eachother about age gaps, how long we've lived here, other groups we go to. I didn't realise I should've been robotically saying "ooh it's cold today also what do you think of brexit?"

Dipitydoda · 12/02/2018 14:37

I do this and I have to consciously think before every conversation I lust ask xyz. I find it really difficult. If someone asks me a question I feel the need to answer as fully as possible. I get shy asking people as I find it hard to think what’s appropriate to ask so I often end up copying their questions luckily I have friends who seem like ok with it. I suspect they are just socially awkward and not good at small talk

wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 14:37

Berry... & lego, you see, some people excude dullness and most often are the very same people who just don't know when to shut up and drag on their 'conversations' until it could legally be considered invitation to homicide....
One should learn to keep stuff light and impersonal without needing to constantly check 'the list' as lego suggested.

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 14:39

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you yourself are one of those you speak of that struggle to have viable conversations with people. Nothing else would excuse your lack of ability to post without crashing rudeness. Every post on this thread

It's fairly obvious that if I did I wouldn't say what I do. If you want to take what I say personally and take offence that's up to you.

meredintofpandiculation · 12/02/2018 14:39

I'm picking up a gulf of perception in this thread. On the one side (A) there are people who want to interact with others, are interested in them, and who may be skilled or unskilled in conversation. And on the other side (B) there are people who arne't interested in conversation, who misinterpret side A as being nosy, wanting to classify social standing etc, rather than interpreting side A as merely wanting to "reach out" for no sinister purpose whatever other than to strike up a fleeting or longer lasting relationship.

Boatsonthewater · 12/02/2018 14:39

Yes, I agree Kerala! I don't want to talk about Brexit (God forbid) or the weather, I would just like to know more about the person I am talking to and assume they would want to know something about me, otherwise why are we talking to each other at all? Men are definitely far worse than women. I would say 9 out of 10 men just want to talk about themselves.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 14:40

I think social skills can be taught usually. Know I would have been much shyer and worse socially if my mother hadn't put the work in as naturally abit introverted.

My sister was extremely, totally shy yet ended up in a job professionally socialising with royalty, international elite and politicians Grin. We laugh as this was the child too scared to go to a pals for tea aged 9!