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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
blackchina · 12/02/2018 13:10

Well according to SOME people on here - and the 'professional etiquette' people, if you don't like to have detailed and personal conversations with people you don't know, you are lower class, ignorant, and a bit thick.

So it's not that people are shy, introverted, and private, and don't want every fucker to know their business! Hmm

There are a few women who live near me, (nosey, busybody, village gossips, rule the Church type women,) who ask one fucking question after another, poking, pushing, prying, into my personal and private life.

Fuck the fuck off.

It's nothing to do with class or education and intelligence, I just don't like nosey fuckers. Wink

I agree that the OP is being unreasonable, and although many people are OK with casual chit-chat, not everyone is comfortable with people prying into their business. And it's rude and obnoxious to keep pushing and prying and asking personal questions, and then judging people who don't want to partake in a lengthy detailed conversation with you.

In fact I think it shows a lack of class and intelligence if you assume people who don't want to have lengthy, detailed conversations with you, are thick and lower-class. Hmm

Idontdowindows · 12/02/2018 13:12

They're not bad people, just given to saying things that they really shouldn't. Being rude or causing people to feel uncomfortable without having the slightest awareness that they are doing that, and finding themselves judged in a way that wouldn't happen if it was a more "technical" skill that they were lacking.

Yep, and in terms of learning this skill, there are very few skills like this, that require you to actually know what you're doing before you start doing it!

There's no other feedback than social ostracisation or being deemed weird if you're not good at it from the start and it's horrendous in the sense that it's something that no one will give you credit or leeway for practising it!

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 13:13

If you’re having to drag a conversation out of someone there’s usually a reason why.

Yeah, they're rather dull and don't have much to say for themselves.

Sometimes people don't feel like talking and that's fair enough. But the OP's example is a couple of hours on a play date. It would be quite odd to accept that and not be prepared to make any conversation, leaving it all to the host. And quite rude too.

ManagedTeaCups · 12/02/2018 13:14

My mil is a nightmare for this I could tell you where Gary from her work had for his dinner last Wednesday but she couldn’t tell you where I grew up even she doesn’t ever ask other people questions but goes into extreme details talking about herself and life.

OutyMcOutface · 12/02/2018 13:18

It's actually extremely rude to ask people these kinds of questions. You shouldn't discuss topics like occupations or marital status unless the other person segways into the topic. E.g.
Person 1: It's been very cold recently
Person 2: Yes-and icy too. I nearly didn't make it to work today because someone had an accident on the turn off to the hospital.
Person 1: Oh, so you are a doctor? (You always assume that they work at the top general tier of the hierarchy so if they say law firm you ask if they a lawyer, bank-broker and so on and then they either affirm or correct you).
Person 2: Nurse, I work in the NICU.
Person 1: That must be a rewarding job.
Person 2: it really is blah blah blah.

The reason why people aren't making conversation with you is because you are being rude. If someone I didn't know asked what I do for a living/whether I have children etc. I wouldn't be inclined to continue the conversation-I would assume that they were nosy.

borderline11 · 12/02/2018 13:21

I have a Sil who knows so little about me, even though we've been married to two brothers for ages, she was shocked to learn recently that i had a sister. The reason being that shes never tried to get to know me like i have her, it's ridiculous, having a conversation is all me me me. I'm wondering if that is the type of person the Op is on about.

LadyinCement · 12/02/2018 13:21

I thoroughly agree with the OP, and it's quite depressing sometimes. Perhaps random strangers don't want to engage in conversation, but the one-sided chat is often with people you know - or should know - quite well.

If I ever see my sil I ask politely after all her family, her holiday plans, her job etc etc. But at the end of it she will have not reciprocated one tiny bit. I think with her it's that she has zero interest in me and can't muster the strength to engage with such a boring person.

Some other people just are rather self-obsessed, I think, and don't mean to be rude. I've been on plane flights etc and heard people's full life stories, but if they were on Mastermind they'd score a big fat zero if asked anything about me, even my name.

LadyinCement · 12/02/2018 13:22

cross-post with borderline11 ! I mentioned the name of my sister and sil said, "Who?" I've known her 20 years.

BarbaraofSevillle · 12/02/2018 13:27

Those of you who complain that others don't ask questions, are you actually giving them a chance to speak?

If you are one of those constantly talking, constant questioners, it can be quite hard to get a word in edgeways, without feeling that you are rudely interrupting.

The constant talker I mentioned upthread is like this. When she is in unrestrained witter mode, it is impossible to actually get into the, rather onesided, flow of speech.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2018 13:34

RidingWindhorses, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you yourself are one of those you speak of that struggle to have viable conversations with people. Nothing else would excuse your lack of ability to post without crashing rudeness. Every post on this thread.

HarrietSmith · 12/02/2018 13:37

I do think that we can teach our children to be good at engaging in civilised conversation by modelling this at family meals/other social occasions. And by listening to them and enouraging them to show interest and curiosity in others. (In the same way that - ideally - you'd help them to hold cutlery, eat reasonably neatly)

Like a lot of things it's much easier to do if you were given practice early on. Though one can learn later, as I had to do.)

borderline11 · 12/02/2018 13:41

It hard work isn't it ladyincement, i wonder if the Op does mean this type of person.

Ickyockycocky · 12/02/2018 13:42

What an interesting thread. Might I just add that some people aren't actually interested in small talk, social chit chat etc. This doesn't make them bad people. Grin

HarrietSmith · 12/02/2018 13:46

I think small talk is a useful skill. I think if new people attend a group or a workshop or come to a school playground or party or whatever, it seems a reasonable assumption that they might be feeling ill at ease and that attempting a little low-level social contact is a kind and friendly thing to do.

Yes some people may just want to think their own thoughts for one reason or another - but if their interlocutor is reasonably sensitive she will pick up on it and not prolong the attempted chat.

wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 13:51

OP, there's nothing more irritating than busy-bodies giving a third degree to all and sundry and calling it 'making conversation'. I generally just excuse myself and walk away.

HarrietSmith · 12/02/2018 13:54

there's nothing more irritating than busy-bodies giving a third degree to all and sundry and calling it 'making conversation'. I generally just excuse myself and walk away.

No wonder, there's an epidemic of loneliness.

wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 13:56

OutyMcOutface has it spot on:

..."It's actually extremely rude to ask people these kinds of questions. You shouldn't discuss topics like occupations or marital status unless the other person segways into the topic. E.g.
Person 1: It's been very cold recently
Person 2: Yes-and icy too. I nearly didn't make it to work today because someone had an accident on the turn off to the hospital.
Person 1: Oh, so you are a doctor? (You always assume that they work at the top general tier of the hierarchy so if they say law firm you ask if they a lawyer, bank-broker and so on and then they either affirm or correct you).
Person 2: Nurse, I work in the NICU.
Person 1: That must be a rewarding job.
Person 2: it really is blah blah blah.

The reason why people aren't making conversation with you is because you are being rude. If someone I didn't know asked what I do for a living/whether I have children etc. I wouldn't be inclined to continue the conversation-I would assume that they were nosy..."

halcyondays · 12/02/2018 13:57

Tbh I hate getting asked a load of questions. I've always hated small talk at the hairdressers, when I was young I'd think why do they always ask you in a fake interested voice what class you're in at school when they don't actually care?

wakemeupbefore · 12/02/2018 13:57

There's polite conversation/small talk and then there's common nosiness, Harriet Hmm.

YTho · 12/02/2018 13:59

I find conversations with strangers sometimes very formulaic. Random questions about my personal life feel rude and prying. They put me off.

Motoko · 12/02/2018 13:59

It doesn't bother me if someone asks what I do for a living, or if I have children, etc. I can understand someone who is unable to have children not liking to be asked though.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 14:04

I see we’re still comparing apples and pears then?

On the one hand, we’ve got situations in which individuals are ‘stuck’ somewhere with someone they don’t know well (play date/work course...). In which case, a bit of conversation might be expected. I would quite happily chaperone a play date in silence, as I prefer it to small talk, but most people would find that a bit awkward so conversation usually occurs. It is difficult to have a conversation without asking any questions at all. And of course they don’t have to be personal ones. ‘Do you have any plans for half term?’ ‘Did you hear that storm the other night?’ Etc

On the other hand, we have people who apparently interrogate strangers. I can well understand why anyone wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t want it.

And yy to the posters who mentioned their SILs- that’s exactly the sort of people I was thinking about. It’s incredibly rude to speak at someone all about yourself and never once ask anything about them.

Tanith · 12/02/2018 14:05

Funny you should mention that, Barbara.

I once attended a work course where two people were role-playing: one had to be a shy, quiet type, the other had to draw her out.
It was striking that the drawer asked question after question, giving anecdotes of her own life and experience, yet barely allowing a moment for the other woman to respond. We all noticed it, and so did she when she watched the film rerun.

SukiTheDog · 12/02/2018 14:06

Ahh, Riding....

If you’re having to drag a conversation out of someone there’s usually a reason why.

Yeah, they're rather dull and don't have much to say for themselves. How little you know of people. You are careless, in the truest sense of the word. You’ve no idea just how hard it is, the simple act of conversing, for many people.

berryferry · 12/02/2018 14:07

. If someone I didn't know asked what I do for a living/whether I have children etc. I wouldn't be inclined to continue the conversation-I would assume that they were nosy..."

What even when you're trying to get to know each other? Like on a play date like the op mentioned?

Weird.