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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2018 11:52

AstridWhite, I've been nodding to myself at your post... fight or flight... it does make a lot of sense.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 12:03

Astrid Has said exactly what I wanted to say!

meredintofpandiculation · 12/02/2018 12:09

Thanks LyingWitch that was a good suggestion

meredintofpandiculation · 12/02/2018 12:21

The learned skill that most of us develop as we grow from children into adults is knowing what it's okay to ask, For those of us for whom it is more difficult to develop the skill, life is really rubbish.If you're no good at maths, or playing table tennis, it's just that - you're no good, that's a skill you lack. But if interpersonal skills come hard to you, then you're a Bad Person. And of course it goes downhill from there - most of us develop interpersonal skills from interacting with other people, but if we're slow at acquiring the skills, then we get excluded from social interactions, and fall even further behind. Especially during school years, when everyone else is too absorbed in finding where they fit with the world to show the empathy that has been shown by some of the posters on this thread towards people who are less socially skilled than themselves. And it matters so much nowadays, since almost every job seems to require good interpersonal skills.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/02/2018 12:22

Reading threads like this don't help, I should probably hide it. I am currently reliving a range of recent interactions I've had and am questioning whether or not I disappointed the other person. I mean, it all seemed pleasant enough at the time but maybe I got it wrong? Which makes me feel less confident about future interactions.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/02/2018 12:24

Tbh, op; people like you make me cringe myself inside out (no offence!)
I don't want to be interrogated about my personal life by complete strangers, and I certainly don't want to hear about their lives in return.
And yes, I do have friends... But not every casual encounter leads to friendship, you're actually allowed to have a say in the matter Confused

Idontdowindows · 12/02/2018 12:26

mere what I've found is that often people need nothing more than a listening ear. If you have trouble developing social skills (and more people do than you'd expect!), concentrate on becoming a good listener.

It sounds silly, but a lot of people really don't need much encouragement to get going, and as long as you're perceived to be actually listening to them (nodding, going uhuh, interjecting a yes or no here or there), your social skills will be rated quite a bit higher than you would expect them to be.

And that has consequences for how people treat you, and that in turn helps develop other social interaction skills. People who are inclined positively towards you make it easier anyway. :)

alpineibex · 12/02/2018 12:28

I would really prefer it if people didn't try to small-chat with me. This includes hairdressers and taxi-drivers. It makes me uncomfortable, nervous, self-conscious, and I stumble over my words and feel awkward. I always walk away feeling like I have embarrassed myself somehow. I then run over the convo time and time again later in my head, worrying about all the little details: Was the expression on my face right? Did I pause for a little too long? Did I speak over them? Did I use the wrong tone? What did that look on their face mean?

I'm not doing it to be rude at all. Sorry. I know it feels that way. I just try to actively avoid convo. Even with friends.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 12:28

I feel like Iamagreyhound and others have not really grasped what the OP was talking about. Or maybe it’s me that’s misunderstood.

alpineibex · 12/02/2018 12:29

I do try to nod my head and say 'yes' and ask relevent questions though... I'm just not fond of being asked them myself and I would rather not have the convo on the first place.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2018 12:41

I think Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar has interpreted the OP just fine. No poster here is an arbiter of what constitutes appropriate or expected conversational levels and it's quite rude to assume otherwise.

For me the OP seems chatty and asks quite a few questions. I would personally find that a bit full-on but others wouldn't. It doesn't make anybody 'wrong', just that perhaps a bit more understanding and tolerance of the way that other people interact, is needed.

borderline11 · 12/02/2018 12:46

There seems to be a lot of people on here not getting what the OP means. (as is often the case) I'm certain she doesn't feel annoyed at strangers, taxi drivers etc not engaging with her. More like people who she perhaps has to work with who don't ask anything about her but only want to talk about themselves. I just call them bores.

Idontdowindows · 12/02/2018 12:50

I'm going by what the OP wrote, which is that she feels it is a rule that if she asks people questions, they're supposed to ask her questions too.

A lot of us are saying that a) we're not into questions all that much, especially if they don't flow naturally from the conversation and b) not everyone is into small talk and being questioned either by choice or by nature, so....

SukiTheDog · 12/02/2018 12:53

Yabu, OP. Not everyone is comfortable with chit chat, for all sorts of reasons. You’re very prescriptive in “how to converse”.

SukiTheDog · 12/02/2018 12:55

I have Aspergers and it’d be a nightmare scenario for me, being interrogated by the OP. I’m sure she’s very lovely but no, I’d find her very intimidating and would probably avoid her. That’s just me. Conversation is hard.

Original poster
200thousand · 12/02/2018 12:57

Suki- and others, as I said in my post above, I don't mean it to sound too prescriptive. I just think it shows courtesy to show an interest in the other person you are talking to.

Not just some random at a bus stop, but someone you are spending time with for example at a play date.

I don't ask the third inquisition, it's more just trying to find common ground... I just think it's weird when people don't show any interest in me or what I do, and I think it's kinda impolite to waffle on at someone without asking them anything about themselves or giving them a prompt or cue to discuss their own interests or whatever

I guess people are all different though!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2018 12:57

Oh. Are you certain then, borderline because if, as you say, there are 'a lot of people on here not getting what the OP means' then really, that's because it's not as clear as you seem to think it is.

OP actually doesn't specify strangers, taxi drivers, etc. - and no mention of people who she perhaps has to work with - but she does mention particularly new people.

What I'm saying is that we interpret differently and we use our own circumstances and experiences to shape what we think.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2018 12:59

spectacularly x-posted with you OP.

borderline11 · 12/02/2018 13:00

Could do with the Op coming back to make it clear perhaps.

LEELULUMPKIN · 12/02/2018 13:01

YANBU I am SAHM with a totally non verbal SN son, so when I do get out I am usually desperate for a bit of adult interaction. I've noticed this a lot lately. I try to initiate a conversation on the bus or whilst in a queue, nothing too controversial, the british staple of the weather being my usual lead in. Very rarely do I get any intelligent or encouraging response. I honestly think the reliance on electronic gadgets is a big reason. It's sad.

SukiTheDog · 12/02/2018 13:04

I just think you’re too “much”, OP. I don’t want to work that hard tbh. If I was at the school gate, I’d do chit chat but really, I don’t want to asked a load of questions. I should add, I’m a high functioning Aspie and very good at masking but even so, I’d step away mentally and probably physically in terms of body language if I were confronted by a full on questions and answers session in any social setting. By social, I mean work, school gate, party etc.

Sorry OP, but are you good at reading verbal and non-verbal social cues? I’m thinking not. If you’re having to drag a conversation out of someone there’s usually a reason why.

meredintofpandiculation · 12/02/2018 13:08

mere what I've found is that often people need nothing more than a listening ear. If you have trouble developing social skills (and more people do than you'd expect!), concentrate on becoming a good listener.

Yes, windows I've found that too. People seem to consider me a good listener, and tell me I've got good interpersonal skills. But it wasn't till I twigged that they were just that, skills, that I set about seriously trying to learn it as a skill set, and got away from the feeling that I was a freak, unfit for human society, which plagued me from about 10 to my early 30s.

Now, instead of looking back at my life, which is a whole series of car crashes of conversations where I've committed the most appalling sins, and feeling that I was unworthy of life, I am able to understand some of why I found it so difficult, and accept that I was merely unskilled.

I know other people who find it as difficult as I do. They're not bad people, just given to saying things that they really shouldn't. Being rude or causing people to feel uncomfortable without having the slightest awareness that they are doing that, and finding themselves judged in a way that wouldn't happen if it was a more "technical" skill that they were lacking.

SukiTheDog · 12/02/2018 13:09

LeeLuLu, I agree. I think the art of conversation and other forms of communication have been wrecked by the short snappy text-speak, Twitter, Facebook etc. I very often get into light conversation whilst out and about and can happily discuss the weather, what I watched on tv last night, what I’m up to this week etc but.....it’s what I call superficial communication and that’s about as much as I’m prepared to do. Anything deeper is for close friends and family.

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 13:09

A lot of us are saying that a) we're not into questions all that much, especially if they don't flow naturally from the conversation and b) not everyone is into small talk and being questioned either by choice or by nature, so....

I don't find MN representative of the general population in this front. There's a much higher than average incidence of people who say they are introverted, have social anxiety, or generally seem quite socially awkward, which presumably is partly why they're communicating on the Internet.

I'm always surprised how little social nous people have here and ask questions about the most basic human interaction. Understandable if you have some kind of disability, but otherwise seems to boil down to lack of experience, lack of practice.

Mxyzptlk · 12/02/2018 13:10

Mind you, I remember having small kids (I'm quite old now) and just wanting to flake out and not have to think or talk about anything, if DC was happily occupied.

If the person is rambling on about themself, then it can be restful to just let them get on with it, with a few nods & mumbles from you.
It is rude of them, though.