People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

Gardening can be a good one in the UK.

I agree.
How I do it (as a foreigner. And yes, I have a "UK script")

1. Greetings (depends on the venue, how formal etc)

1. Comment about the weather, or the commute (if it's a work thing)

1. Wait for reciprocation

1. Offer something "new" or engage with the topic the other person started.

I don't really do question. Especially not without having offered an opinion, information etc first. (e.g. : "It really is quite chilly today, isn't it?" instead of: "What do you think about the weather?")

Things like gardening, the commute, the weather, maybe sports (if there is some sort of big event), natural catastrophes or "interesting" things like solar eclipses, and pets tend to be safe, non-threatening topics.

Also, it depends on the venue.

I used to spend time in the front yard about once a week when we still lived in the UK becase that was apparently the right venue for neighbourly chit-chat.

Oh, and if I had a genuine question / needed to know something there's a different script.
steps 1 - 3 remain the same.

After that it's something like:

"I'm not trying to inconvenience you but my sense of direction really is rather aweful. I really can't find the...."

Oh, and complimenting the other person tends to work wonders as well.

But it needs to fit with the conversation.

Think people getting too hung up on the "questions" bit. Its not firing 20 questions to a stranger about their preferred sexual position or their salary. Its just not talking about yourself or your kids, ad nauseum, on and on and on, without once showing the slightest bit of interest in the other person or their kids. It is surprisingly common, and yes it is incredibly rude.

My example of an older professional lady we had staying with us for some time, who would respond fulsomely to our polite conversation openers about her day. She did not once say "how was your day" or similar. Not once. We have teens to stay and many of them had better manners (I cut masses of slack to teens as they are learning but adults less so).

With the compliments I mean:
"Oh, I love your shoes" is obviously fine but won't start a conversation.

but saying "Oh, I love your shoes. I never know where to buy them [insert something here if you're not from the UK or have recently moved]...."

the other person will now most likely tell you something about the local shops etc.

It's obviously possible that people give me a bit more leeway because I'm not from the UK but my conversation script has honestly never failed me...

I'm with PPs who hate the questions type conversations. It's just weird! Conversations shouldn't be about questions!

It's exactly what conversations should be about - or at least an important part of it! That is how you get to know people. The learned skill that most of us develop as we grow from children into adults is knowing what it's okay to ask, how soon it's okay to ask it and how to phrase the question so you don't sound like the Gestapo or a weird stalker.

Otherwise social interaction would consist entirely of a series of rigid lectures delivered by one person and listened to by the other, with no flexibility around where the conversation might lead. We'd all just be taking turns to make isolated statements at one another, forever on fixed paths and parallel lines. Thats not normal or natural.

I think some people are struggling to understand the difference between firing overly intrusive questions at someone repeatedly, as though you are carrying out a census and just making normal, relaxed conversation that flows naturally back and forth, where you hope to find out a bit more about someone and what you might have in common.

When I read some of the responses on threads like this is explains a lot about why so many other MN threads go the way they do, to be honest. Some of you seem to be in permanent Fight or Flight mode.

I agree with the poster who said that MN isn't really representative of real life. The sheer number of people on this forum who say they have anxiety or say they are on the spectrum is obviously skewing the responses somewhat.

There is definitely a local script.

That's not to be prescriptive.

You only notice it as an outsider or if you have to make efforts to learn it.

I struggle to ask questions back. I answer what they have asked and hope they jump in with their side

Those that don't like questions, as in normal conversation, how do you converse, how would an ideal conversation go? I mean i'd rather someone show an interest than not.

The sheer number of people on this forum who say they have anxiety or say they are on the spectrum is obviously skewing the responses somewhat.
I'm not so sure.

Anxiety disorders are extremely common (nearly 25% of women in the US, for example...). So is depression (about 1 in 8 women at least once in their lifetime). Or the amount of not-neurotypical people. Or people that are "just" akward.

But we wouldn't know about that IRL.
Many people have coping mechanisms, an internal script and those who don't either won't even try or will simply be seen as socially inept / rude / uninterested etc.

But people will be more honest when they have the relative anonimity of the internet.

Although it is imo very possible hat people with "small-talk" issues might be more interested in this thread.

Or people like me that genuinely like small-talk and have always been interested in the cultural differences in regards to this.

I really don't care who says what tbh but the selfish types who talk about themselves and their children on and on without showing the slightest interest in anyone else get right on my nerves, I read this is exactly what OP was coming across.

Am working on teaching my DC not to be self absorbed.

But it's not always them showing an interest, they are going through their stock list of questions.

I sometimes have to go on car journeys with colleagues. There's one who is a nice chap, but cannot sit in silence at all, so is constantly going through questions, even though he asked me the same questions last week and the answers aren't likely to have changed in the interim.

I'm not unreasonable or antisocial to find this annoying. Just shut up for five fucking minutes please.

Kerala I'm like that.

Just give me the slightest scraps and I'll work with that. Mostly I'll see if your having a social wobble and try to compensate.

But coldness and total self absorption are the turn off.

Barbara wouldn't saying:

" Same as ever, Dave. Same as ever."

work?

(I seemed to channel Jim Royle there..)

Barbara

Lisen to music? It's probably either that or conversation...

Idontdowindows Mon 12-Feb-18 10:44:40

Walk up to the queue, eyeball the person nearest me and say, 'I need to know how you are toward me, right now. That's all.'

If you're that fnarking clueless in social situation that you need to ASK people how they are acting towards you at that moment, perhaps it's an indication of something other than not knowing how to hold a conversation.

===

Idont, I'm not sure where the first bit came from, I think you were quoting somebody but the second bit bolded is your post. Would you really feel that about a person that would have felt so discomfited as to have said the 'I need to know' bit?

Because that would be awful, wouldn't it?

But your post at 11.02 rings differently, kinder.

I've possibly misunderstood completely so if nothing else, this post will clarify where my previous one came from.

Lying, I'm quoting someone who is being facetious while they know perfectly well what I meant with saying that all I need to know is how someone is towards me in that moment :)

I totally get what you mean OP - conversation needs to be a two way thing to be, well, a conversation. And questions are a good way to get that flow going. I don't mean "what's your favourite sexual position?" type questions. I mean "have you read xyz book?" or "have you seen there's a new ice cream shop opening on the high street?" type questions, just to get an exchange going.

'I need to know how you are toward me, right now. That's all.
That's... unusual but not genuinely awful, is it?

I'd assume that the person was either anxious or rather desperate for conversation.

I'd try to respon neutrally and kindly, I suppose.

That's... unusual but not genuinely awful, is it?

It is not at all, but the scenario being depicted is an awful distortion of what I actually said, namely that I do not need to know what you do for a living, what your childhood was like and how many children you have in order to have a thorougly pleasant conversation with you and to start making a connection. All I need to know is how you are acting towards me in this moment.

And it got distorted as if I (or anyone else) would be going around asking random strangers "how are you towards me right now".

all I need to know is how someone is towards me in that moment

is the kind of knowledge we might need to know of a partner at some close or crucial moment.

(Or possibly in group therapy.)

Small talk does have a useful social function. Ideally it puts people who are sharing the same space more at ease with one another. But it is conventionally done via the initial raising of safe, neutral topics - the weather, journeys, the nature of the occasion that has brought you together.

is the kind of knowledge we might need to know of a partner at some close or crucial moment.

Um... there's nothing crucial about establishing if someone is being nice, polite, kind, standoffish, disinterested or snooty in a social small talk situation.

All it does is determine if there is a basis of establishing a connection.

Do people not gauge other people's dispositions before entering into conversations? Because in that case, I'm beginning to understand most of this thread.....

Idon't, Thank you! I've woefully misunderstand you BUT... I'm now prepared. Should that awkward situation ever present itself, I'm prepared.

*misunderstood

I'm glad it's just a misunderstanding then :)