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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
AntArcticFox · 12/02/2018 10:46

Gardening can be a good one in the UK.

One big "small talk" topic with some people over the next few weeks will be the bulbs coming through. It's the spring!

I actually do get quite excited about this and enough others come up with it independently to make me think I'm not a total loon.

I live in a cold area but with enough green space to notice the changes. In the City of London I'd not bring it up..

bigmouthstrikesagain · 12/02/2018 10:48

I really feel strongly that in order to care for/ about someone it is not necessary to know them or like them. We should cooperate with people regardless of if we like / know them. We are a species that thrives on community and cooperation but that i hope does not mean we have to make good conversation to do so.

My children with ASD are so kind and polite, they ask questions, they also monologue, they have few friends and will always struggle socially. They are clearly going to be judged on that superficial basis - of whether they can manage to make the other party in a conversation feel comfortable. As they get older I worry about the impact this lack of social ease will have on their lives.

I have neighbours I don't like particularly, and other neighbours I don't really know. I still return balls, take in parcels, and in one case looked after and returned an escaped chicken!

I am considerate, polite, have spent years volunteering in my community. But i am sure I seem standoffish or a poor conversationalist in some circumstances. That is not a problem for me. It seems it can be a problem for others.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 12/02/2018 10:48

This:

Walk up to the queue, eyeball the person nearest me and say, 'I need to know how you are toward me, right now. That's all.'

Was humour, imo, not to be taken literally. It made me laugh Grin, picturing this convo Grin

help1978 · 12/02/2018 10:48

Mrspreston11 are you in Preston?!
I'm not far from you and ask questions and go to many softplay playgroups etc but haven't met many follow chatty folk? ! X

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 10:49

Really pissed off at some of these posts.

Hate the thought that people might think I’m compiling a mental dossier. WTF? No, it’s called making conversation. I’m not asking anyone what they earn, whether they’re going to have children, what their sexual fantastical are. I’m simply trying to be a pleasant human being.

meredintofpandiculation · 12/02/2018 10:49

LyingWitch I'm beginning to understand the "examination" bit, but for me, if I were asking those questions, what would be behind it is "have you and I ever lived in the same place so we could compare our perceptions of it?" "do you do something I have no experience of? - I'd like to understand more about it" "Is there something where you've come to a very different conclusion from me - if so, why? Did I miss something when I came to my conclusion?".

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 10:49

Lol @ fantastical. 😂

UgandanKnuckles · 12/02/2018 10:50

Maybe not everyone particularly wants to have a conversation with you.

HarrietSmith · 12/02/2018 10:51

The most memorable topic I found myself listening to was the sexual parts of weevils.

As soon as I've finished what I am supposed to be doing, shall look this up....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2018 10:54

Idont, I could answer that question and would say, "You seem like a person that I'd like to chat to" and then I'd say something about our surroundings or similar to bring it back to realistic realms of conversation.

Because you would, wouldn't you? You'd realise that a person who would come out with something like that as an opening gambit, would be a person who is struggling to find a way 'in'. Or you would if you had half a brain cell...

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 10:54

No Ugandan. Of course. If you’d read my earlier posts you may get have gleaned that I have no desire to strike up conversations with strangers. I actively avoid it. I am talking about social situations in which you have been introduced to a new person.

ShellyBoobs · 12/02/2018 10:55

Really pissed off at some of these posts.

Oh dear. Never mind.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 10:56

Why the hostility Shelley?

UgandanKnuckles · 12/02/2018 10:57

@waterlego being introduced to someone isn't the same as knowing them. Just because you know their name doesn't mean they're obligated to follow your script of how a social interaction should happen.

lasttimeround · 12/02/2018 10:58

I've found the rules change so much. What works in one part of the country or one context goes down like a lead balloon elsewhere.

I remember once being so ahhh now I get it when I heard from a local in a place I'd moved to that when someone is really friendly and inviting from the start he feels suspicious. I'm still more on the side of asking questions but particularly in places where people aren't looking fof new friends etc it's probably better to be a bit more non-committal. Although I'm a bit shit at that sadly.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2018 10:58

mered, I've got you. If I wanted to know that, I'd offer the place where I lived now - or before. I'd say something like, "This city is really busy for driving in. It's a great place to live but sometimes I miss the countryside/seaside where I used to live...". It's not confrontational or asking direct questions that some people are a bit uneasy about. It's also not that personal a question so would probably get a response.

We all do it differently, I've no idea what the right approach is, I just know what I don't like.

waterlego6064 · 12/02/2018 10:59

Of course Ugandan.

I find social situations uncomfortable. I can see I’m going to find them a whole lot more uncomfortable from now on!

What questions would be acceptable. Think I need a list!

Ragwort · 12/02/2018 11:02

It seems a bit sad that so many mumsnetters are admitting they find it hard to make social chit chat yet clearly they are interested in other people and their lives or they wouldn't be here & getting involved in conversations?

Or is an on-line form taking the place of normal social interaction?

Idontdowindows · 12/02/2018 11:02

Idont, I could answer that question and would say, "You seem like a person that I'd like to chat to" and then I'd say something about our surroundings or similar to bring it back to realistic realms of conversation.

Yah no, if you take what I said about only needing to know how someone is towards me in that moment as a question to ask people, I'm going to look at you weirdly and wonder what mental health issues you have.

I don't need to know anything at all about a person except how they are behaving towards me during our interaction to have a thoroughly pleasant conversation.

I've spent hours on the bus and the train trading stories with strangers, and I've spent mornings in my dad's care home listening to old people telling the stories of their lives, and I've sat in silence with a new acquaintance in the car and had a brilliant day out with her. One of the friendships I had that started in total silence, but by no means the only one.

I don't need to know anything at all about you except how you treat others and how you treat me.

All the rest comes after.

Ilovelblue · 12/02/2018 11:04

I seem to be the sort of person who can sit next to a stranger on a bus, train etc and they start telling me their life story. Even though I probably forget everything they tell me within minutes of the conversation ending, I must give off an air of being interested (when often I'm not). I don't find it difficult to make small talk with people and I think that comes with years of experience in a role where I had to meet every new person coming into the building within two days of their arrival. Often they seemed quite nervous so small talk put them at ease before we got onto the serious work stuff.

I can usually find something to chat about, even in the most boring of situations, even if it's as predictable as the weather. Any trivial thing to break the ice really. I was asked by a friend to look after somebody attending her father's funeral a while back. She hadn't even given me a proper description but I sussed him out and it was easy to see he was grateful to find somebody to talk to. Luckily for me, once I had explained who I was, he just talked about himself constantly so I only needed to throw in the odd word of encouragement and he was off again whilst I sat and ate food from the buffet!

AntArcticFox · 12/02/2018 11:05

Lasttimearound so true.

There was an earlier post about Edinburgh.

Suffice to say I found my missmatch was large there! Generally it went that by the time someone was ready to acknowledge me as a fellow human I'd been in a huff for six months and the chance had passed.

HarrietSmith · 12/02/2018 11:05

is an on-line form taking the place of normal social interaction?

In many cases, yes.

UgandanKnuckles · 12/02/2018 11:06

@ragwort it's easier because there is obviously already a conversation happening (the threads themselves), you can't "interrupt" a conversation in the same way and can join at anytime, and for me I can think about my replies and not feel put on the spot. Having a near stranger irl force conversation upon me irl is my idea of Hell.

AntArcticFox · 12/02/2018 11:10

Imhave had memorable chats while travelling.

People can disclose a lot in the knowledge you'll never meet again.

I travel less now but when I do people are more entwined with their devices.

Tanith · 12/02/2018 11:11

“Somebody genuinely interested in talking to a person will be able to make a quick assessment of how much interaction they're comfortable with and to me, that's the art of conversation.“

I agree with Lying.

It’s far more skillful to find out about someone without asking questions.
To me, someone with really good social skills is able to listen and respond. They can adjust their conversation to fit the person they’re talking with. They are able to pick up the non-verbal cues that communicate far more than words and respond to them.

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