People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

I think every poster on this thread has a scenario and an example in mind when they respond, and we don't have the same experiences.

My two close friends are also work colleagues and we have obvious, endless, lines of conversation there. We naturally segue into private stuff also.

If I'm introduced to people socially then the link is generally via the introduction and that gives a clue as to likely conversation topics. I find that safe topics are the weather, transport and pets - and then you might find somebody who likes cars very much and we'll then chat about cars for the rest of the time because I like them too.

I think that people are generally sociable because they do enjoy interacting with people, but if you have an overly voluble person who is insensitive to other people 'pulling up the drawbridge' because there's just 'too much talk' then that is something that is always going to make a conversation falter.

People who self-label as good conversationalists are not always as adept at it as they think they are and in my experience, are often clumsy and blunt in their approach.

Dolphin I do agree - there are 'questions' and intrusiveness and it can be hard to get the balance right.

What I find tedious is people who go on and on about themselves, sometimes without drawing breath, and never, ever ask the other person anything, whatever the topic of conversation is they just turn it back to themselves. I work with quite a few people like this & sadly have quite a lot of experience of people who are utterly self-centred .

OP I'd enjoy sitting with you at a play group.

It's the worst when you're somewhere like that and you get someone who looks at you like an alien if you try and chat.

Luckily where I live the other mums are generally pretty chatty. Normally I make a mum friend or two in most situations and it makes that our at softplay/pool etc a bit more tolerable. Plus often they're from a different town so it's nice to learn a little about other stuff going on that's not too far from home.

I think you can acquire better social skills if you try to bear in mind that a conversation should be like a dance - both parties should make an equal effort with neither becoming too dominating.

If you're shy try to draw another person out by asking about hobbies, books they've read, admire an item of clothing, etc. Even the weather is a predictable topic but we all have to make a start somewhere. It all gets easier with age and experience.

Waterlego, to answer your question, after introduction I 'd make a comment like "I never know what the correct etiquette is at buffets" or "I Think I 'd fancy a coffee now, shall we look where we can order one here?" Or "I used to work with your colleague, I think, his name is Mark, he was quite a whizz at IT and helped me out a number of times"

Basically I'd start the conversation with something we have in common (even if it is just the place we are in) and build from there.

I find question-answer sessions much harder as a starting point, as it can be a tad formal, almost like an interview.

Somebody genuinely interested in talking to a person will be able to make a quick assessment of how much interaction they're comfortable with and to me, that's the art of conversation.
Not necessarily! I am interested in talking to people who see things differently from myself, finding out why they see things the way they do (it's why I'm on mumsnet after all), but I'm hopeless at understanding anything other than literal statements, not because I on't care, or I'm a nasty person, but just because it's something that comes very hard to me.

to START forming a connection. I need to know how you are towards me, right now, in this situation. That is all.

Must try that one as I wait in line at the sports centrewith all those people at the dance class which I've only just started attending.

Walk up to the queue, eyeball the person nearest me and say, 'I need to know how you are toward me, right now. That's all.'

That should go down pretty well.

I feel mean saying this but my dad could be a bit like that ragwort and it got worse with age.

He’d start to tell a story and then get hung up on some tiny irrelevant detail and so you’d get something like:

Well, last Wednesday, no, Tuesday, I think, no, hold it, it must have been Wednesday because I use my card at B and Q on wednesdays. Ooh now no, I think I went into B and Q but didn’t buy anything, because it wasn’t Wednesday. So it must have been Tuesday.

And I’d end up shouting DAD GET TO THE POINT!

Ragwort- those are questions! That’s EXACTLY what I mean!

Dolphin, thank you!

Seriously, how do you start a conversation with someone you don’t know very well?

The alternative to asking a question is to volunteer some information about yourself. I've just had a hazy flashback to my former life as a saleswoman; we were taught about "sharing secrets"; so if you tell someone a "secret" about yourself (even a basic one like "this cake's amazing but shh, I'm totally blowing my diet!") then they're more likely to respond with personal stories too and be put at ease.

You could experiment with it OP :)

Having said that, my dad died nearly four years ago and I would gladly sit through the most boring monologue known to mankind to hear his voice again.

So people we love and care about - we tolerate and even sometimes encourage their conversational blips.

It’s acquaintances we all have a wariness about, I suppose.

And if someone asks how my kids are, I'd say "fine"'or "still mediocre, what can I say" as I never assume anyone other than the grandparents,really care about their "achievements"

I find it hard to talk to people who ask loads,and loads of questions, knowing they are not interested in the answer!

Really, the best thing is talking about the here and now. The shared experience.

But on the other hand there's a mum from my youngests class at school and I know EVERYTHING about her entire life, from childhood to now.

Yet she is so busy talking (deafeningly loud) about all of that each pick up/drop off that she knows fuck all about the rest of us.

Seriously, how do you start a conversation with someone you don’t know very well

Well if it's a man, ask them what route they took to the meeting place. They will launch into a long explanation as to why they prefer the M38 over the A442 even though it's slightly longer.

My job involves making small talk with a lot of slightly nerdy men. I can feign interest about the driving route more than whichever widget or process they specialise in. I learnt very early on never to express even the slightest fake interest in delights such as aircraft turbine blades.

Did you know that it's entirely possible to care about people without knowing their family, career and childhood background?

Quite, these are all about status, and are just attempt to pigeon-hole someone. Likewise where you live or come from - what the heck has that go to do with someone you've just met? It's like they are creating a mental dossier, filling out a form in their head. That's not social skills, its an examination.

Oh yes driving routes are the topic where I live.

I used to look up football stories when I worked with a lot of men.

The current topic would be winter Olympics. Slope style is madness etc. Disclaimer, so far I've only watched the skating in reality..

I'm a bit socially awkward. I always forget to ask questions back and then later realise I may have come across rude. It's something I'm trying to work on. If I'm not comfortable with someone I usually go blank and can't think of anything to say.
I'm a nice person and I generally do want to hear about other peoples lives I just forget to reciprocate questions. I hate that I probably come across rude sometimes.

meredinto what I meant was that you can determine if someone is easy to chat to (for you) or whether they're a bit shy/reticent. I would make that assessment quite quickly and I think that most other people would too. It's where you take it from there - and how you do it.

I very much agree with Ifailed about the 'examination' aspect because that's how I've felt reading the examples of questions from some posters who presumably feel they are confident and able conversationalists who look down on others who don't have 'the same feathers'.

I learnt very early on never to express even the slightest fake interest in delights such as aircraft turbine blades. The most memorable topic I found myself listening to was the sexual parts of weevils. I would have preferred the aircraft turbine blades.

I used to look up football stories when I worked with a lot of men.
ah, yes. I once did that for rugby.

I have also read up on flower arrangements (my former boss used to have a beautiful one every week and it was a really easy break room small talk topic / she was genuinely passionate about flowers and gardening in general.)

just chit chat

doesn't have to involve questioning people. Most people I know are happy to tell stories or to discuss subjects they're interested in without much prompting.

I don't think I've ever asked anyone what they do for a living unless they've first gone "oh, I remember

Walk up to the queue, eyeball the person nearest me and say, 'I need to know how you are toward me, right now. That's all.'

If you're that fnarking clueless in social situation that you need to ASK people how they are acting towards you at that moment, perhaps it's an indication of something other than not knowing how to hold a conversation.