People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

To be fair to water, I assumed it was after the individual had shown an interest in travel!

YourV : It says we don't all adapt without cost to modern social life!

It's a skill to be learned and practised though and this thread has reminded me that my younger kids aren't getting as much training as my eldest had. So thanks op!

I do find these days a lot of people are quite keen to talk about themselves but not interested in other people. I really try not to be like this as I don’t want to come across as self absorbed but I guess a lot of people don’t care!

This sounds terrible but if I know I'm never going to see the person again I've got no interest in learning about their lives. I don't really like unsolicited conversation, I'm quite an anxious person and I'm usually thinking when in public by myself and it throws me off if I get interrupted, and then I'll end up forgetting something important that I need to do later.

If it's a professional thing or a first encounter with someone I'm likely to see again then I do try and be polite and ask questions etc but I'm not very articulate when put on the spot and I don't know which questions are appropriate to ask. I don't want to come across as rude or nosy.

Different with acquaintances and friends or family.

I get annoyed with friends and family members where Qs/interest isn’t reciprocated, and have reduced time spent with those people. With those people I also just start talking about myself/concerns without prompting (since they’re not going to ask!) when I deem it’s “my turn”!

I am aware that I sometimes do this. In my case, I find some social situations very uncomfortable- mainly those situations where I know the people around me a bit (but not well) and a know that it would seem rude to say nothing but have no idea what I should say. If someone asks me questions it makes the interaction much easier for me. I find it easy to answer questions about myself and am relieved not to have to think of something suitable to ask the other person (I am always worried that I will say the wrong thing) that I forget to reciprocate the questions.

On the other hand, I have a friend who is great at asking questions and classes herself as a 'people person'. However, if she asks a question where the answer is anything other than a spring board for her to say what she wants (eg- how are your children doing at school? [my answer]. Oh- yes and DD has just won.....) she will essentially ignore the answer.

Op I wish I'd meet you

I find it souldestroying that since moving to a new area a few years ago I think I could count on one hand how many people have ever ASKED ME A FUCKING QUESTION!!!

In fairness though I feel like it's always me running conversations and taking interest in others. Then the rest of the time I find myself counselling people......

Fml

Thanks Lying. I think this kind of thing comes very naturally to some people but I feel like it's a foreign language to me.

People who hate questions: how would you start a conversation with a person you’ve just been introduced to in a social setting?

So you might say ‘pleased to meet you’. And then what? How does the conversation progress?

I think some people here are being deliberately obtuse regarding the OP's opening statement, of course it's not about a 'list of questions' as if in an interview situation - it's just normal social interaction and sadly, many, many people have very poor social skills.

Like a poster further up (sorry, cant remember your name) I was bought up to be polite and show a genuine interest in other people and not to dominate conversations about myself. Likewise I have bought my teenage son up the same way and he knows how to talk to adults, engage in social interaction and has easily got himself an p/t job as a waiter because he has confidence and social skills. Far too many of his mates just 'grunt' when they meet adults and have no conversation skills at all, yes I know I am an old fogey compared to them but basic politeness counts for a lot. .

I meet so many people who say 'they can't make friends' (including here on Mumsnet), 'no one understands them' etc etc but 9/10 it is because they themselves lack the basic interpersonal skills that make living in a community more harmonious. Of course I don't want to be 'best friends' with everyone I meet but I have moved around a lot (for work) and have no problem getting involved in new communities and making new friends.

Oh, I’d probably ask a question but it would be a very bland one.

Probably ‘would you like a drink?’

The people who don't like being on the receiving end of questions seem to be interpreting it as the questioner wanting to pigeon hole people in terms of social class. But usually it isn't, it's "what have you and I got in common that we can build a conversation on?"

The person who had a non-reciprocating paying guest - that's a difficult one. When you're in conversation with someone who is engaged in their profession, and is asking you "what did you do today" for no other reason than to make you feel "at home", it seems really rude to ask about their personal affairs. Because you're not engaging with the individual, you're engaging with the professional persona.

I'm finding this thread depressing reading from the number of people who actively don't want to make connections with others. It doesn't bode well for the future of society if people are increasingly in their own bubble of friends, and don't interact and don't care about anyone else.

water

Replies such as 'How do you know the host?', 'Have you tried this exercise class before?', 'What cake do you recommend here?', 'I love your dress/shirt/handbag, do you mind me asking where you got it?', 'How long have you lived here?'.

Obviously depends on the social settings but there are thousands of questions you could ask.

What does your husband do?

What on earth? I'd certainly not be interested in pursuing a conversation with someone who asked that.

In social situations I find that it's much nicer to let the conversation flow naturally from a remark or observation. I am really not that interested in what people do, and their families or childhood until I know them enough to determine if I'd like to be closer to them.

And I don't answer those questions on first meeting either. Let's determine if we like each other first before we get into details, ok?

Beingme, I think that’s different, as it sounds like you’re not keen to join in the conversation at all. If I met you, I would respect that and not fire questions at you. I have no problem with people being shy or anxious. What I dislike is listening to a person talking endlessly about themselves and not showing any interest in the other person.

In my observation there are (at least) two types of converstaionalist; the question and answer types, and the reciprocal story-tellers. (I made these things up myself, they're probably not documented things.)

The OPs example conversation would be an example of the first. A reciprocal story teller would listen to what someone said, relate to it, then respond in with a similar "story", and expect the other person to do the same until such time as a question naturally arises, eg:

"Ugh, I can't believe the traffic today, took hours getting here!"
"Oh you're so right, it's awful, I was stuck on the ring road for ages"
"That ring road's a pig isn't it? I went that way the other day when I was leaving work"
"It's near you work is it? Me too! Where is it you work?"

I'm a reciprocal story-teller myself and I enjoy conversations more with others who are, but if I can see the conversations all about "me" (which it will be if you're talking to a q&a type because they won't volunteer information about themselves without being asked!) I do revert to q&a for their benefit. Except when I'm drunk.

mere - I agree that it is depressing that so many people seem to find it so hard to talk to other people; I moved to my current home about 7 years ago, I immediately got involved in voluntary work, local organisations etc - I was reasonably friendly with a neighbour who had lived here all her life- she said to me 'you know more people than I do' after I had been here around 6 months . she had kept to the same (small) circle of a few family members and old school friends and never bothered to meet anyone new. Sad.

Rag, I can promise you I’m not being deliberately obtuse. I think sometimes - and I am not implying this is the case for the OP - people who aren’t very natural at interactions can fire questions at you and it can be stressful and uncomfortable. The other favourite is to use first names a lot in conversations.

I try not to be too critical of this as they are lovely people but some neighbours I had were like this. They would invite you round for dinner and ask about the food as you were eating it, as in ‘So, Ellen, how is the cabbage?’ And you’d have to chew the cabbage frantically, cheeks like a hamster and eyes bulging and swallow and say, ‘Why, Elaine, the cabbage is DELICIOUS!’

I did used to think ‘just let me fucking eat!’

I'm finding this thread depressing reading from the number of people who actively don't want to make connections with others. It doesn't bode well for the future of society if people are increasingly in their own bubble of friends, and don't interact and don't care about anyone else.

Did you know that it's entirely possible to care about people without knowing their family, career and childhood background?

I know that may sound really strange to the people who need to know about these details in order to determine if people are worthy of interaction, but for some of us, how you are with me, right now is enough to form a connection with someone.

I don't need to know how many children you have, or if your christmas was grand to START forming a connection. I need to know how you are towards me, right now, in this situation. That is all.

And I don't answer those questions on first meeting either. Let's determine if we like each other first before we get into details, ok?

But how do you determine if you like someone if you don't know anything about them? . i don't mean that in a goady sort of way but genuinely, surely you have to know something about someone before you know if you like them or not. I don't mean a list of formulated questions but surely just chit chat to find out if you are compatible?

They would invite you round for dinner and ask about the food as you were eating it, as in ‘So, Ellen, how is the cabbage?’ And you’d have to chew the cabbage frantically, cheeks like a hamster and eyes bulging and swallow and say, ‘Why, Elaine, the cabbage is DELICIOUS!’

That sounds aweful.

I've always thought it was rude to ask that, btw?

People are obviously free (even should....) compliment the food but asking whether the food you're serving is nice...?

They used to peer anxiously at me as I was eating too.

Oh dear, I am wicked. They were lovely.

Idontdo I’m quite offended that you think people only ask questions to determine whether the other person is worthy!

Seriously, how do you start a conversation with someone you don’t know very well?

I don't ask much. I have to really make myself and remind myself to do so. It's not a lack of interest, it's cos I hate being asked stuff.
I am very private and have had yrs of being mistrustful due to never having had anyone trustworthy in my life growing up.
Lots of therapy later and I'm more trusting and better at answering questions, but I fear being intrusive or making others uncomfortable. My dh reminds me that most people like to share and it's not prying. I'm working on it.
I imagine though sometimes I seem very rude.

FWIW, water, and I so hope this comes across the way it’s intended, I reckon if you chat to people in real life the way you do on here, you’ve nothing to worry about. You sound friendly, funny and, well, just normal, really!