What would you do about this?

[whattodoaboutman]

I am posting this here for traffic. I don't know how to deal with this or if I am blowing it out of all proportion.

A local man is a frequent user of the local sports centre. Many people know him as he's there so often.

When there is a children's sports club on the pool is closed to the public but the sauna is still open. This man will use the sauna and then walk into the changing rooms and strip off when the room has about 20 children in there and then shower naked next to the boys in the shower which is also communal.

He then goes to change and stands next to the boys who are getting changed, the boys find this intimidating. There are no separate cubicles yet, though they will be provided soon according to the centre management.

I think this is inappropriate but when it has been mentioned to the club safeguarding person and centre management nothing has been done.

What should I do ?

What should I do?

If you are in a changing room where the norm is not to shower naked then go home in your gym kit. If the norm is to shower naked then fill your boots. However the changing room in question was for people who were entering wearing swimming costumes and who did not shower naked. Just follow the example where this is the case and wear the costume.

I’m actually not even sure what I should be wearing to the shower and I mostly use the area after a gym session - I don’t own any suits specifically for washing and I can’t wash in my gym kit. What should I do?

So what was all the talk about being covered in chlorine about then?

You are confusing things - the pool does not have a policy forbidding people to shower naked. They can choose to implement one or add individual cubicles. However they haven’t.

You can’t claim that people follow some unwritten rule that they should act as everyone else is doing - if everyone else is showering naked then should a single person who finds this uncomfortable have to follow suit?

As there is no written policy, no one has to take the ‘if everyone else isn’t doing it, I shouldn’t’ approach.

It is perfectly within pool room etiquette to be naked in a changing room.

Ps - I go to the gym at lunch. I can’t just nip home and I can’t fit my sessions in anywhere else. Even if I could go home to shower I shouldn’t have to do so because some people may feel uncomfortable. The problem is theirs - not mine.

So what was all the talk about being covered in chlorine about then?

The word ‘mostly’ should give you a hint that I do use the pool sometimes. Just not ‘mostly’

Our local pool has open showers, and I have never seen a woman shower naked in there, ever. It's kind of an unwritten rule if there are children changing in there.

See, I find this kind of weird. I don't go swimming much anymore but plenty of women go totally naked when changing after swimming. Probably not as much now as when I was a child but I always felt odd because I didn't want to get naked when everyone else seemed so comfortable with it.

Maybe it is different with a man and the "threat level" but in this case the guy is using the facilities, getting showered and changed and leaving.

Wonder the situation you are describing is not the same as the one in the OP.

*If you think showering naked after swimming is exhibitionism

It is if no one else does so in that particular changing room at that time*

So 1 one person showering naked is an exhibitionist, but there are 2 o more, they're not? That doesn't make much sense to me, LiltingLeaf

Why are the sports centre leaving the sauna facilities open if the rest of the centre is closed to the public? It'd seem sensible to close all poolside facilities until the pool is open to the public.

Ps - I go to the gym at lunch.

I doubt many children's swimming clubs run at lunchtime and use gym changing rooms (as opposed to pool changing rooms). What do you do in pools with open poolside showers?

It's about feeling threat Lakie, people coming and going about their business naked or otherwise in multiples is different to a group of young people being intimidated by one man. Who's to say he wouldn't still make them feel intimidated if he had clothes on? We don't know. What we do know is that despite being made aware that his behaviour is upsetting people, he still continues with it. In an area absent of other adults.

I was always wondering why a German spa had signs about showering without clothes on only in English, while all other notifications were in 3 languages. This thread explains. It's certainly not more hygienic to shower with your clothes on.

Pools with open side showers are open to the whole pool room (male, female, attendants, everyone).

It’s pretty different from single-sex showers

@JaneEyre70

I help with school and the kids always keep swimwear on............

We weren't allowed to do that and also had to shower after sports classes when I was little.

It is not possible to read this mans thoughts or know what his intentions are. It’s entirely reasonable to assume that it is innocent and that he is just going about his business. It’s also likely that any issue surrounding his actions has not occurred to him at all. I think it’s quiet possible that a man who has never had children would never see or think of the possible concerns in this scenario. I can completely see that he could be totally innocent and unaware.

As a parent of 3 I would absolutely be concerned with this behaviour. Despite the fact the man it permitted to be there and use the facilities and not doing anything wrong I would still be concerned. The reason I would be worried is because the children felt strongly enough to say they felt uncomfortable with it and I would never ever down play the feelings of my child on such a matter. Telling a child any different is effectively telling them their feelings don’t matter and come secondary to that adult man or indeed any adult who “could” be predatory which leaves them even more vulnerable.

What would I do? What could I do? Well this is tough given that the hasn’t done anything wrong. I would probably want to insist on the children being supervised during changing time. I would want to talk to my child about staying safe. I realise that I couldn’t insist on the sports club to do anything as this man is a regular patron and hasn’t broken any rules or done anything wrong. I would want to ask the sports club to consider potential safeguarding issues in respect of its changing areas. As a concerned parent I think that is all I can reasonably ask. I would continue to be vigilant.

Whilst I understand what you are saying and don't disagree Lilly we don't know that he hasn't done anything wrong or whether has done something that didn't feel right to these children. We do know that he isn't breaking the centres rule/policy on naked showering.

Also, we do know that he has made aware that it is an issue and he is ignoring that and continuing with his behaviour regardless. So even if he wasn't aware before, he has been spoken to about it.

So what is he doing that is making the boys uncomfortable? Is he standing too close, staring at them, spending unneccessary amount of time parading around wagging his parts? Or just going about his business?

Because if someone came up to me in the female chaning room and asked me to shower with my clothes on, because nudity makes them uncomfortable, I would kindly suggest them not to look or find another activity.

I'm amazed at some of the relaxed attitudes on here. We're always telling kids to trust their gut feelings about these issues and they have said they are uncomfortable about the situation and people are saying they should just ignore those feelings? Really? By ignoring requests to cover up the man has already crossed many boundaries. On the feminist boards the advice to women or girls would be to not trust someone who ignores boundaries so easily. Why does the same not apply to boys? OP, I'd chat to the centre again. Assuming they're running the club they need to either provide supervision in the changing rooms or shut the sauna (or accept that if something did happen they'd be in serious shit, are they willing to risk that?)

You can’t use personal ‘boundaries’ as a justification for everyone confirming to your sensibilities.

There exist legal boundaries already - e.g if he was getting naked in the playground at the park, he would be crossing those boundaries and would be arrested.

Having a shower naked in a changing room does not constitute breaching those boundaries.

If you were religious, a woman in a bikini in the swimming pool might violate your personal belief boundaries - does that mean you have a right to ask that person to cover up because they are crossing your boundaries?

How the hell do you get changed and shower if you go to the gym before work? You are going to be naked at some point unless you shower in your gym pants!!!

I personally think everybody should shower with something on.

But what would the gym say to him? ‘Please shower and get changed in the changing room without being naked’? Please don’t stand within view of 20 kids getting changed even though there is no cubicle? Do some kind of balloon covering dangly bits dance? I can’t believe this is real.

Actually I think you are telling them to ignore their feelings. Which I personally think is a bad thing - I am teaching my dd to do the opposite. He is clearly not acting appropriately, he is deliberately standing next to the boys when they are getting changed. Ironic with all the trans/self ID threads on here that people are saying that the man can do what the hell he likes and sod the boys feelings.

How do you shower with something on? Surely it defeats the objective of having a shower? I don’t want to have a rinse off I want to have a shower, I don’t have time to have two showers in different locations.

But this isn't about personal boundaries (if he is honestly just showering, patting himself dry, getting dressed and respects the personal space of other people).

He's allowed to shower naked. It's really awful that these boys feel intimidated because of that but it doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong....

Also (maybe an unpopular opinion): I personally would be surprised if he was a danger to these boys. He's a random stranger. He isn't trying to gain their trust, isn't in a position of authority, doesn't have a person relationship. Also, they're in a public changing room, it's a group of children and other people are around as well...

This situation sounds unfortunate but most likely not genuinely dangerous.
Family members and friends are far more likely to be genuinely dangerous.

Where is this man's morals showering naked by boys.
I don't care if it's a changing room or not.
If he was showering by these boys with trunks on then no issue.