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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

437 replies

silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:01

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat Sad My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty Smile

OP posts:
NotSoSprightly · 11/02/2018 21:06

What aren't you, Silent? Sorry I'm lost Blush

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 21:07

I’m not expecting anyone to find me attractive!

OP posts:
SallyLockhartsDog · 11/02/2018 21:11

What are you going to do about that though op?

Don't waste your life being miserable, feeling that you are missing out.

NotSoSprightly · 11/02/2018 21:12

Ah, my post wasn't aimed at you! Sorry if you thought it was, as you haven't come across in that way at all.

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 21:12

It’s not exactly that sally,I’ve only realised how much I’ve missed out on in the last 2 years or so. Sorry to sound all miserable. I’m not a miserable person it’s just difficult coming to terms with the fact that I’m alone and will stay that way!

OP posts:
Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 21:12

Ah sorry I misread Blush

OP posts:
SallyLockhartsDog · 11/02/2018 21:16

You don't need to stay that way though!

You have a few options

  1. Loose weight
  2. Stay obese but wear clothes/make up that give the impression of looking for a romantic partner
  3. Get out there, go to local clubs/OLD just as you are. Be persistent in getting to meet lots of men, there will be one who embraces your look.

I want to add as a disclaimer - being happy in yourself will bring you so much more happiness than a man.

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 21:19

It isn’t that simple sally

I don’t walk around wearing bags but I don’t really go anywhere other than work (and it’s not as simple as ‘well go places!’ - I mean, where should I go all dressed up as a fat 37 yo on my own!?)

I’m trying to lose weight but I’m not very good at it and loneliness makes it so hard.

I am CRAP at old, seriously, I just don’t get anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 21:20

And yes one should always be happy with oneself but still. Weekends alone and holidays alone and Christmas alone and birthdays alone. It’s a lot of aloneness.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/02/2018 21:22

I think the definition of obese is relevant here. People are saying they're size 16 and 18...those aren't sizes I would call obese.

I realise height and body type play a part though.

Some men specifically want larger ladies ....

Get a dating profile done and try and be positive...

Check these out ..I just googled them

www.biggerlover.co.uk

www.largerdate.co.uk

cuddlyfreeandsingle.co.uk/mobile/

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 21:23

Erm ... really I’d rather not Shock

OP posts:
MrsJoshDun · 11/02/2018 21:27

Well I said I’m a size 16/18. Bmi is 32.5.. I’m short.

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 21:28

I’m definitely noticeably obese. 15 stone, 5’2. Size 18-20. Gross.

OP posts:
MrsJoshDun · 11/02/2018 21:30

silent

I would avoid OLD, my single friends who are slim seem to meet more arseholes than not. And honestly I don’t think night clubs are a good place to meet blokes either.

Most blokes I’ve met have been through friends of friends. Have you asked friends if they have any single male friends they could set you up with?

Also if you’re shit at losing weight have you tried more structured/supportive places such as slimming world?

MrsJoshDun · 11/02/2018 21:31

silent. You’re about a stone heavier than me. I don’t think you’d be gross at all.

MrsJoshDun · 11/02/2018 21:32

Meant to say, am same height.

SallyLockhartsDog · 11/02/2018 21:32

I don’t walk around wearing bags - Do you wear clothes that give off the message single and looking? It doesn't have to be fishnets and crop top Grin. I mean well fitting, stylish clothing. Can you post on the style and beauty threads?

I don’t really go anywhere other than work (and it’s not as simple as ‘well go places!’ - I mean, where should I go all dressed up as a fat 37 yo on my own!?) What are you interested in? Book club? Wine tasting? Are you religious? Interested in social activism? You will not meet men stuck in your house.

I’m trying to lose weight but I’m not very good at it and loneliness makes it so hard. Slimming world will be great. My mum met two life long friends and lost a lot of weight and managed to keep it off.

I am CRAP at old, seriously, I just don’t get anywhere. Ask someone to look over your profile. There are plenty of OLD threads on here. PM someone your profile and see if another set of eyes can see where you are going wrong.

Don't give up Smile you sound like a fab person and extra weight shouldn't stop you living your life.

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 21:35

Sally - I don’t meet anyone anyway. At work I wear black or grey trousers and a top.

I know I won’t meet a man in my house but then I doubt I’ll meet one outside of the house Sad it all gets a bit depressing (I know I am being defeatist.)

I would not humiliate myself by asking friends to set me up. I’ve had my fingers burned in the past anyway.

Have tried SW and I gained weight! I told you I was crap.

It’s not my profile it’s me, seriously.

OP posts:
MrsJoshDun · 11/02/2018 21:39

I put weight on with slimming world so I really do sympathise. I’m also really shit at dieting.

Emmageddon · 11/02/2018 21:58

I think you should shelve the idea of dating, for now, and work on widening your life socially, so that you have more than just work and home. And get rid of the mindset that you are lonely and missing out because you are fat.

There are lots of activities you can start doing, where you will meet people, both men and women and make new friends. What are you interested in?

Try and make this year count, a year where you start having fun and enjoying life. Have a look at the library noticeboard and in the local paper, there will be all sorts of community events going on and volunteers needed for different things. Even simple things like a local park litter pick can lead to new friendships.

Flowers
Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 22:02

It’s not exactly because I’m fat.

But because I’m fat I don’t have a partner and while I know people don’t like hearing this, it is hard to have a fulfilling social life with ‘just’ mates. As they generally stay in with own partners and children.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 11/02/2018 22:25

I'm much bigger than you.
I've never had trouble finding a partner. I found it harder slimmer tbh as I was much less confident when I was younger.
Chat to people that's what important.

MrsJoshDun · 11/02/2018 22:36

In my head I’m slim and attractive. I’m quite flirty and guys flirt back.

SallyLockhartsDog · 11/02/2018 22:45

Try and make this year count, a year where you start having fun and enjoying life. Have a look at the library noticeboard and in the local paper, there will be all sorts of community events going on and volunteers needed for different things. Even simple things like a local park litter pick can lead to new friendships.

THIS!!!!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 11/02/2018 22:50

4’11 and I wear a 16. Previously an 18. I think I we may be similarly built. And I still don’t think it’s a weight thing. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you really come across as if you’ve given up on yourself. That you’ve given up hope, That could well be self fulfilling.