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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

437 replies

silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:01

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat Sad My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty Smile

OP posts:
NotASingleFuckToGive · 11/02/2018 15:41

The original AIBU was, "To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?" and there's been a fair few responses from posters who are in happy relationships, so then the answer is YES, you can meet somebody nice when obese.

I mean this kindly OP, if you're mid 30s and haven't had much luck in the dating department, are you looking in the right places?

Or are your expectations in a potential partner possibly too high?
Perhaps you're subconsciously overlooking lots nice and decent men as a potential partner, in the way that you suspect you're being overlooked now re: obesity?

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 15:42

I don’t think my expectations are too high. I’d take anyone really! Well, not quite anyone, but you know.

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 11/02/2018 15:48

Of all the women I have known who were obese, none of them were ever inundated with dates - they were all constantly single and never approached.

I've been an 18 and I've been a 10 and it is worlds apart. At a 10 I'm not invisible at all to men or women and their reaction is incredibly different. Women are a lot less friendly and sympathetic and men are so keen to open doors/chat/ flirt. Totally transparent.

Holowiwi · 11/02/2018 15:50

Honestly yes you will find it more difficult being obese. Still there will be men that are interested depends on how attractive you are facially. However the best 'calibre' of men (good looking, tall/fit, solvent, intelligent i.e the full package) will not be interested.

That being said people in the UK are quite overweight/obese, because of this increased exposure not only do we not recognise obesity when it's in front of us but also that people aren't as bothered by excess weight (up to a point) as other Europeans would be.

halfwitpicker · 11/02/2018 15:52

When I was single and would lose weight (as my weight is always up and down), I would her more opportunities...but I also felt more confident too...so in a way they go hand in hand.
^

This too

NotSoSprightly · 11/02/2018 15:52

Do you take care of yourself and make an effort? I only ask as you say you're not interested in clothes or make up etc.

No a relationship shouldn't be just about looks, but initial attraction is very important and what brings most people together.

Sometimes I think people are under the impression that they should still be attracting swarms of partners even if they sit around like a couch potato, making zero effort with their appearance and then claiming people are shallow if that doesn't appeal to someone (not directed at you OP!)

Is there a reason you can't lose weight if it's bothering you so much? Seems like an obvious solution.

Catinthebath · 11/02/2018 15:55

First off, yes you will attract more people if you are slimmer, it’s just a fact. But I don’t anticipate you’re playing a numbers game OP so it’s about finding a decent one. Losing excess weight benefits health so committing to a bit of weight loss is a good thing but don’t let it stop you from meeting people meantime. Agree with pp who said it’s about confidence. Work with everything nature gave you. I tindered without having lost the magic 2 stone, I knew the six pack guys wouldn’t be interested but neither was I in them. I found a keeper who is actually pin thin. Good luck Smile

halfwitpicker · 11/02/2018 15:57

DH has the world's fastest metabolism and eats whatever he wants and never gains weight and his parents are the same. It's really annoying when any of them talk to me about food or losing weight. I don't think if you've always been slim you can never understand what it is to be heavier.

^

Not to sound harsh but women generally need fewer calories than men. Most women are fine off around 1500 cals per day. Yes, it's hard, and believe me I've been there, going from eating 3000 cals per day to 1500. You choose your hard.

BuzzKillington · 11/02/2018 15:59

Being obese is going to put a lot of men off initially. Some might not be bothered, but you have to accept that most men will have an issue with it.

Cameron07 · 11/02/2018 16:02

I met my husband when I was an 18/20 and we married and I was 22 stone . He says he loves me for what I am not what everyone else wants me to be.he is heavier than most shy and delights in my sparky funny ways,plus side is I am 60 now and have beautiful skin not a wrinkle in sight, and was mistaken for 46 the other day, go and find the right man, I have never had sex with a man who wants me as a secret and never would.

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 16:07

Notso, I wear a bit of makeup but I’m not interested in contouring or eye shadow or lipstick shades or blusher etc. I wear foundation, mascara and a bit of concealer. That’s all. I do have my hair done regularly. I try to look groomed which can be hard when you’re fat.

OP posts:
SallyLockhartsDog · 11/02/2018 16:12

Hmm being obese shouldnt stop you meeting a man but it probably will.

Most (not all) men see fat as second rate. (Especially in British culture)

Yes, you may meet someone if you stay obese but I imagine the pool of datable men will increase dramatically if you loose weight.

Do you need a man? Can you find other ways to be happy? If you are lonely and want to loose weight, slimming world is great and can provide an excellent support network.

Jaygee61 · 11/02/2018 16:12

*No a relationship shouldn't be just about looks, but initial attraction is very important and what brings most people together.

Sometimes I think people are under the impression that they should still be attracting swarms of partners even if they sit around like a couch potato, making zero effort with their appearance and then claiming people are shallow if that doesn't appeal to someone (not directed at you OP!)*

I do think that if you are looking for a serious lasting relationship you need to learn to look beyond the surface interest. I know women who won’t date anyone they don’t consider “well fit” and their relationships never seem to last long.

Remote1candles · 11/02/2018 16:15

I was size 22 when I met my husband. He thought I was gorgeous, as did my ex. Attraction is about so many different factors, if you accept yourself as you are, then this confidence will shine out to other people too.

I went up to a size 24, then down to current size 18. I've never been short of compliments. I would like to be a size 14, as I have problems with my feet, which got a lot better when I lost weight but don't have an issue with my self image, whatever size I am.

MrsCharlieD · 11/02/2018 16:15

I'm a size 24 and 11 years ago when I met my dh I was probably a size 20. I've been large all my life but never had a problem getting a guy. I did have sex with some really fit guys when I was younger, but they were mostly one night stands and at one point I did really like a guy who I know really liked me and fancied me but he was a bit too concerned with what other people think so we never publicly dated. As we've got older and I'm happily married with 2 kids and he's single he has told me he regrets not having the balls to be like "she's amazing and beautiful and I like her, fuck what you think ".

I am often told I'm beautiful in the face. A 10 up top but not below.

My husband tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and he fancies me like crazy. It's definitely possible to meet someone when large, I would say though that I've always been an outgoing and confident person, whatever my size.

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 16:15

It’s being single loneliness really. A slimming club wouldn’t cut it. I do have regrets.

I do wish people would stop insisting I’m looking for brad Pitt. I’m not. I don’t get any interest at all. I’d accept just about anybody.

OP posts:
Midnightmoonstar · 11/02/2018 16:37

It sounds like you're stuck in a rut op. I think you need to be comfortable with your self first and get serious about losing weight and keeping it off. Withouy loneliness putting you back to square one. Otherwise you just keep going backwards and getting no whereFlowers

Also try getting out and about abit more too. Join a gym? You could even meet someone there.

Sallystyle · 11/02/2018 16:45

I had men interested in me when I wasn't particularly confident. Although I was good at faking it I guess.

I met my husband when my confidence was quite low. I think confidence can play a big part in attraction but as you say OP, there are plenty of people with low confidence in how they look who are in lovely relationships.

I was quite overweight for a while, and of course I noticed men were more attracted to me once I lost it.

I have obese friends who are married and were obese when they got married. Both of their husbands are slim.

So yes, you can meet nice men when obese, but it is going to be harder.

CosmicSpider · 11/02/2018 16:49

I was pretty big when I met my now DH, five stone heavier than I am now. I look back.at pictures and am pretty horrified that I let my weight get out of hand. I asked my DH what he saw in me the other day, and whilst he says he sees it now looking at pictures, he never saw me as fat as I was. He always just saw 'me'. My DH is not soppy or romantic or anything like that.

My opinion, fwiw, is that yes, you can find love five stone heavier than you should be.

SandyY2K · 11/02/2018 16:51

I think it's one thing becoming bigger within the relationship...ad opposed to getting a partner while you are big.

However...I would say the same applies to obese men. My friend's DP used to be really big (before she met him)...I saw his old pics on FB...I know she'd have never got in a relationship with him at that size.

Looking at the pics...is say he lost about 7 stones.

Do you want to lose weight?

Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2018 16:51

Sorry OP I haven’t read the whole thread, are you online dating? What sites are you using?

There’s a dating thread where there’s loads of us in a similar situation and you will find what ever shape and size we are we all find it hard to find anyone. I have been dating for 3 years and I’m still single, I get lonely at times but also enjoy being single (I miss waking up next to someone and having someone to tell how my day has been but I also like doing my own thing). I have been on quite a few dates and have got nowhere. I am a size 10/12, I go to the gym so I’m reasonably fit, plenty of older men message me but usually they are just after one thing, when I do meet someone I like they usually end up ghoasting me.

I’m not sure if I’m datable, I’m not sure if men find me intimidating because I’m very independent and have lots of hobbies? I don’t know if I’m ugly (I don’t think I am but men might see me differently) or maybe the fact I have kids puts them off.

On line dating has made people more fussy because they have more choice infront of them, it’s a bit like shopping for a new coat that has to be a perfect fit. Some men to prefer slim laddies, probably because they watch too much porn where the women are young and perfect, they don’t seem to notice that them themselves are overweight, ugly and showing signs of age Grin

If you feel your weight is a problems maybe join some fitness classes, you never know, you might meet someone there whilst trying to loose weight, I don’t think joining a slimming group will cure you loneliness as they are pretty depressing (I went to SW and it was awful).

Get some hobbies that involve getting out and about, join ‘meet me’ and maybe join some walking groups. I have taken up photograpghy and walking, it’s something I can do on my own but I often meet others when I’m out and about.

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 16:56

I’ve been on online dating threads before but I don’t get dates so I’d be a very quiet member Grin

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2018 16:59

You should try it again. You have nothing to loose Grin. I dated a man for a few months but it didn’t work out as I wasn’t big enough for him, he liked larger women.

Klobuchar · 11/02/2018 17:02

However the best 'calibre' of men (good looking, tall/fit, solvent, intelligent i.e the full package) will not be interested

Lol, really? You speak for all of them do you?

hula008 · 11/02/2018 17:09

Honestly, different guys like different things. So if you think that being obese is going to be putting people off, it probably will, in the same way that having brown hair or glasses or being tall might - it’s just a preference.

As an obese woman (size 24 and in a long term relationship, but also obese before I was in a relationship) I can say it definitely does not put most men off Grin

Being confident does help with how people see you however. The only person that needs to be happy with your body is you.