To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

[silenthorror]

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty

I'm separated because my husband fancied me at size 24 but not size 8

Well, yes, exactly, what happens when/if you lose weight

But I would like to think most long term relationships are not based on looks, but I do think that someone has to find them lovely in the first place.

I totally understand this. I used to be 22 stone; and didn’t have a boyfriend/any attention/never wanted to go out..online dating was painful; got no where with full length photos; changed to head shots but made sure I said curvy on profile ..and had much more attention. Unfortunately nearly all those men vanished after date 1. I decided to throw myself into the gym and give up on online dating..I didn’t do it to try and find a man I just wanted something to do with my time...I lost 12 stone; joined OLD again and met my now husband. I was inaudated with offers and attention.

So yes sadly I agree with the posters; I also didn’t want to join the fat dating sites as you say I didn’t want to be desired for my “fat”

I’d tried every diet in the book and spent two decades miserable as hell; but something clicked and my get fit project totally changed my life. Now post baby I’ve got some weight to lose again and I know my husband would like me to but never says anything. Although he is open about the fact he doesn’t find bigger as attractive so clearly at a bigger size we would never have got together.

I know it sounds cliched but honestly it works; concentrate on you for a bit..no fad diets; just small changes.

It should be possible. Why not limit yourself to men who are over 20 stone and start from there.

I was a size 18 went met DH, went up to 24, then we decided to start trying for a baby. I spent 1 year losing weight first, took me to a size 12. I then felt healthy and able to have a healthy low risk pregnancy. It took 5 hrs and 2 rounds of IVF, ended up with a high risk breach birth and c section. DH loved me when I was big and loves me now too. You will find someone

I am shocked at the amount of posters saying size 16-18 isn't obese.
Of course it is, it is very overweight. As a society we are in denial about what constitutes a normal weight as underweight. 'oh don't lose anymore' when your BMI is 25, the very point of moving into overweight.
OP. I don't think obesity is unattractive. But it is exactly that, obese. There are many shops selling plus size beautiful clothes and I know many plus size women who are exceptionally pretty and who dress well and receive positive feedback from men. However your self esteem is at rock bottom and it is this which will stop you, not your size.
Extra fat also has the benefit of larger breasts, which attracts many men. So it isn't all negative. But I do think from the sound of your post that you would benefit massively from successfully changing your eating habits. You can do it, it just needs to get bad enough that the only way is up. You sound lovely, I wish you luck x

Which shops, Primark? I only know Evans which isn’t lovely.

At any rate, I don’t really get to go to many places where I would need to look nice. I think whatever size you are it’s hard at this age which is why I am inclined to think I’ve left it a bit late.

ZB that sounds nasty. I hope it was meant nicely.

It’s possible :-) UK size 20 with two children and met a lovely, handsome, kind and loving man who is great with my babies and has a fantastic job. 5 years together now and expecting our first baby together. I think sometimes we must forget ourselves to be ourselves

I don't know all the names but isn't Yours one and Simply Be? Plus some catalogues have larger size sections.
I am with you on the places to go and I'm a size 12 with no chance of meeting anyone (and not really bothered at the moment). Please don't take this wrongly but you do sound quite down? I feel like that more when depressed.x

I think I am, but then it’s also because I’m lonely. Saddo alert, I know.

I have at least finally been able to buy a coat that fits so I can go for walks.

Everything about your personna and self worth will change when you lose the weight

Go for it.

Yoursclothing.co.uk

Thanks

I'm obese (i lost 4.5 stone last year/ the year before and put most of it back on, i am now kicking myself) i need to lose about 6 stone
I was newly single this time 6 years ago after being with my boyfriend for 8 years! I honestly thought I was undesirable and no one would fancy me, i couldn't have been more wrong. I was definitely making up for lost time and sowing some wild oats when i went out lol, was definitely not looking for anything serious! I had no trouble meeting men and taking them home lol, some even wanted to see me again.
I joined POF just for a bit of fun, i was honest about my weight on my profile and had lots of nice comments (and i am no oil painting either lol) and i ended up meeting my now husband on there! We met in may, got married a year and a couple of days after we met, and i had our son a week later!
Its about how confident you appear i think, confidence is definitely an attractive quality (mine came mostly from alcohol though )

I think it is easier to meet someone when you are slimmer and I say this as someone who has yo yo dieted all her life. I have a wardrobe from a size 10 to 20. I am currently a size 18 and on another diet and I know which end of the scale proved more attention grabbing.

I think some men do initially see fat and glance away but I also think (as proved on here) it is possible to meet a great guy and who will see through it.

In this day and age your weight is not that big. The fact you say you get no attention, you've had barley any attention ever suggests it's something other than your weight. Do you flirt? Do you notice men? By far the most popular women (and men) are charismatic flirters. If a man walked into a room and you liked the look of him, could you make eye contact, hold his gaze for a couple of seconds and hint at a smile. At least let him know that you have noticed him and are interested.

The other thing, a poster called bored touched on, what kind of men are you looking for? My friend is 5ft plain and 19 stone, she likes good looking rugby types, good career, ambitious, own home etc. Now she does have a good career and her own home and her mantra is 'Why should I settle?'. It's not settling. Her high flying cousin was asked out by a delivery cheeky chappie delivery driver. My friend was horrified. The couple eventually married have a young family and are really happy BECAUSE SHE GAVE A GUY A CHANCE. The guys she wants are not interested in her. She would never have given my funny, unambitious DH in boring job a chance despite him being loving, supportive and a brilliant Father. Fact is my friend would never date her male equivalent. Could you have an unrealistic list, are you caught up romantic ideal that you should be wooed and pursued? I think some self auditing is required OP as this is not juat about weight.

I think you need a two-pronged approach.

Step 1 is to make your life bigger. Acquire outside interests for your free time, and develop a skill. In short, find something you're good at, or make yourself good at something.

Step 2 is to lose weight. Have you already tried myfitnesspal.com? It's a calorie-counting website and it really worked for me. I also noticed I started getting more male attention as I lost weight. In my case, that was unwelcome, but obviously it wouldn't be for you.

The best advice I ever saw on the subject of how to keep to a weight loss regime went something like this:

Find a physical hobby that brightens up your entire day. Develop your passion for it. Throw everything you can in the way of free time, and disposable income, to improve your performance and skill in it. Eventually there will come a point when the only way in which you can pursue your dream further is to lose weight. And then you will.

Just read theladt comments about the clothes, set yourself a sum of many, say 40 quid. Go into eBay and order something you like the look of but don't Boden, Next, Marks, Simply Be all do bigger sizes at 15 stone you cannot be more than a 20/22 at the very max. When arrives if you don't like it, re-list it. 40 quid should get you a good few items.

I think you are stuck in a rut. You mention getting a coat recently to go for a walk. Borrow a dog. Dog walkers are mostly friendly, I am not saying you'll do a Davina and nab a husband but it will get you out and you can practice making small talk to strangers.

OP, you're really limiting yourself here! You don't like thinking about wasted opportunities, but if you dont address the underlying problems, you will be having the same internal debate in ten years time.

Have you time low carbing? I overate all my life, was a fat greedy child and still love food now - and going low card really quelled my hunger, it was almost like being on appetite suppressants! The good news, is, also that when you're severly overweight (I was 17stone) it absolutely flies off you initially, which keeps you going in terms of motivation! I lost weight at the rate of a stone a month.

At the start you might have to literlly take it an hour at a time if you're a binge eater (I was but also drank a lot) but you can do it! It takes 30 days to develop new habits! If i can do it, anybody can! You can do this!

My best friend is stunning and very overweight and she definitely attracts men who just want to have sex in secret with her, don’t want a public relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I've experienced this myself. Plenty of guys want to shag someone larger, without the embarrassment from their mates. I'm size 18-20 and getting married in October so obese people can definitely meet someone!

op at size 18-20 u could shop at pretty much any of the high street shops. Primark, Tesco go to size 22, asda size 24, Matalan size 24, next size 24 just to name a few.

I must admit that despite u saying u have confidence, the complete opposite is coming across u are very negative on not only urself but others who are fat, get with fat people etc and I must admit that negativity will be a huge turn off.

Also it is complete bullshit that even if u find a man they will leave u or not fancy u if u lose weight... there are plenty of decent men out there who don't care about a woman's weight.
My husband may not be considered a great catch cos he doesn't have hundreds in the bank is fairly short for a man and has no bone in his nose, he has never been short of offers thou cos he projects confidence and charm. I certainly didn't settle in fact my relationship before my husband was the complete opposite, T.D.H and filthy rich but the nastiest piece of work u will ever meet so looks are never a good indication.

OP I hear you.

I'm fat. I don't get approached. My exDH was fat and didn't want me.

I suppose I'm trying to say that there are no absolutes in this life re dating & attraction.

I'm so scared to flirt, will categorically never ask a man out while I am fat.

In my case I'm losing weight slowly, making my life bigger. Not to meet someone per se, rather to enrich my life...create more opportunities in general.

Please OP, you sound so resigned... it's not good for your emotional wellbeing ....which of course you know.. I'm going to parrot what my friends/family tell me:
You sound too hard on yourself xx

Big hugs...

I didn't mean to be nasty. I just said someone of similar weight might be happy with that. I don't think that's that unusual. you often get two people who cycle or run every weekend getting on well together or those who have other things in common. Surely if you are quite large yourself and accepting of that you are more than happy with a large partner. I meant nothing offensive by that comment at all. People put too much store by looks. I hardly even look in the mirror!

Sorry you're feeling like this. You have had a lot of advice on here, and I just wanted to give you my perspective. First of all you're still young - I met the love of my life when I was a couple of years older than you. Also I think of the saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day' - take it slowly and maybe attempt one thing at a time. You say you spend a lot of time alone when you're not working - what about joining a choir, I did that although I'm rubbish at singing. It's such a collaborative thing and makes you feel great - we did some performances and it was wonderful. Also you could start losing a bit of weight - agree with the comments about Slimming World - crap, I put on weight with them too. But you could make it into a bit of a hobby, cooking different things, making homemade soup, being adventurous with flavours, that sort of thing. Also have a look at some of the online shops/magazines and get ideas of how to co-ordinate outfits - you can minimise what you don't like and maximise what you do. Maybe inject a bit of colour in your wardrobe. Also hair, nails and makeup make one feel better, again tutorials on you-tube. It's about reframing yourself, you can make positive changes. Finally, have you considered some counselling - that could really help, you can talk through any issues with someone who is impartial and non judgemental.

I feel like I had also got in to a bit of a rut after a horrible separation, it has really knocked my confidence. I have 2 stone to lose to be at my happy weight and I hadn't bought any clothes that I actually liked for years because I always told myself that it wasn't worth it because they wouldn't fit when I lost weight. About 2 months ago I decided that I was going to invest in me. Whatever weight I was I deserved to feel attractive and wear nice clothes. I've now bought clothes that I love and started getting my eyebrows, waxing and hair done again. I get up earlier to do my makeup properly and do my hair. There's no one I want to impress and I work in a school and it's a very female dominated environment but I am now feeling great about myself. Making an effort for me has definitely put a spring in my step.