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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

437 replies

silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:01

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat Sad My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty Smile

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 12/02/2018 09:01

Different people like different things. I was a size 14 when I met my current boyfriend now a size 10. Doesn't bother him what size I am as he likes my personality and the way I live my life, we have fun together and I've been told I'm pretty. I had no difference in the amount of interest I had when a size 8 or a 14 to be completely honest. I'm very honest and caring but also feisty when I need to be which is what a lot of partners (men and women) have liked.

JustDanceAddict · 12/02/2018 09:02

I wouldn’t find an obese man attractive, and my dh doesn’t find fat women attractive. Just one of those things really. We have never really gained an excessive amount of weight in 25 years (middle aged spread withstanding).

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:05

I have Tee thanks, but I don’t keep it off and I’m a stone heavier than I was when I started a decade and a half ago!

In any case, I’m not exactly looking to change my relationship status. I am still trying to lose weight because it’s healthier but I think expecting to start a brand new relationship when I’m 38 next month is possibly unrealistic.

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jinglymum · 12/02/2018 09:11

I met my boyfriend on tinder, he had used pictures of just his face so I couldn’t tell his body type, he did say he was a ‘bigger bloke’ this was when we were talking, I didn’t appreciate how big until I saw on his Facebook. He had been huge but had lost 5 stone but even then he was still obese. I’m a size 10. Anyway we spoke for a long time before we met due to him working away for long periods, once we met any concerns I had about his size just vanished. I love him for who he is. I know a lot of my friends were surprised when I introduced him to them due to his size and I guess he isn’t very attractive. None of that bothers me.

Have you tried online dating and chatting to someone before meeting them?

2rebecca · 12/02/2018 09:13

38 is young. If you don't keep weight off you need to really up your activity levels and change the sort of and amounts of food you eat. I think being single is better than a bad relationship and think you're a bit optimistic about how much any relationship would improve your life. Get an active hobby.

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:14

Yes, been on various dating sites on and off for a decade. It doesn’t work for me. Plus, I’m not strong enough for it. I get very down when I’ve been on.

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Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:17

I think you’re a bit unrealistic tbh rebecca

Being single can be fab if you’re young and all your mates are single and it’s a choice you’ve made.

When you’re approaching 40, still technically a virgin, never had your hand held or hugged by someone who cares about you, when all your friends are married with small children, when holidays are swathes of unfilled white paper (and yes, you can Go Places and Do Things but the rub is it’s always on your own and often you’re surrounded by happy couples and families which can make you feel ten times worse) it’s not so great.

In the nicest possible way, when looking for a first boyfriend, 38 is not young. 38 is very, very old Grin

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 12/02/2018 09:21

I don't think blaming your weight is helpful or accurate. It's saying oh my life would be so easy if only I were slim. Not true.

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:21

No, I know, and I’m not trying to! Just the same, I do hit a blank when I try to think about what has caused my life to end up like, well, this!

OP posts:
Honeybooboo123 · 12/02/2018 09:24

ok, so I've always been versions of big, smallest probably a size 18, currently a 26. Married, 2 DC.

Had quite a lot of bf, another long term relationship and other short term things.

Met DH while fat, had two DC while fat. Always had a reasonable amount of confidence even though I had parents who said exactly the same things to me. No one will want you if you are fat, fat people smell, fat people are lazy, fat cleavage doesn't count as real boobs! The usual ;)

Anyway, my attitude was always f*ck them, and I lived my life. I have dieted and lost weight, and it always comes back on so I don't have the answer for that.

I do know though that losing weight and thinking your life will get magically better is a lie. You'll be thinner and still feel like hell if you don't get your mind sorted.

a size 18-20 is not a reason to be single, no confidence or putting out the vibe that you have no interest in anyone else because you are scared of rejection is a good way to end up single.

If you really think your weight is the issue for men, try plus size dating nights. There you will know that your weight loved by the men there.

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:26

I’m reluctant to go down the road of joining plus size dating sites as I don’t want to be fat. I don’t think I have curves and they are not sexy, and I don’t want to be with someone who is only attracted to me because I’m fat. I’ll be honest and say that would worry me.

OP posts:
Honeybooboo123 · 12/02/2018 09:27

so you want someone to 'look past the fat and see the real you'

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:30

No, I don’t think that’s really what I’m about here. I am asking if they JUST see the fat, I suppose. And I think the answer is yes for all people insist it’s confidence.

OP posts:
Badhairday1001 · 12/02/2018 09:31

38 is not old. If it's a first boyfriend or third marriage there is still no way that 38 is old. I'm 37, a bit overweight with 3 children and hardly a minute to myself most days but I still very much expect that I will date again despite having a lot of baggage. TBH I still think I'm a bit of a catch and I'm not interested in people who think differently. I've had a fair bit of attention since being single so think that when I'm ready to date again when my kids are older then it will happen.
Have you considered counselling? Lots of people have told you that it is possible to find somebody nice despite your size but you just can't believe it. I think getting some support to change your mindset may be the way forward.

demirose87 · 12/02/2018 09:32

OP you're being ridiculous. 15 stone is big yes, but it's not huge and not like you can't do anything about it. There's people much bigger than you who have partners. Lose the weight if you think that will be the key to happiness, once you have willpower it's not that hard. I gained four stone in the last three years after having three pregnancies in three years, going from slim to quite big. I started slimming world at 15 stone 9 and a month later I am 14 stone 2. I am losing steadily each month and I feel so much more confident for doing something about it and knowing it is coming off. I felt miserable like you but I know losing weight was what I needed to feel more secure in myself.

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:33

Yes, you will Bad,like you say you have children, you’ve had at least one relationship. It’s a difference kettle of fish for me.

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Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:34

Can I be clear - I don’t think it is the key to happiness.

I’m just trying to see where I went wrong.

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Lizzie48 · 12/02/2018 09:35

I think you are sounding depressed tbh. Maybe a trip to the GP is in order. They can prescribe medication, and offer you help with losing weight. And as a PP said, counselling would help too. Losing the weight won't magically make things better. And I've been both fat and slim, so I do know this for definite. Smile

Lizzie48 · 12/02/2018 09:36

I think you are sounding depressed tbh. Maybe a trip to the GP is in order. They can prescribe medication, and offer you help with losing weight. And as a PP said, counselling would help too. Losing the weight won't magically make things better. And I've been both fat and slim, so I do know this for definite. Smile

Lizzie48 · 12/02/2018 09:37

Apologies for the double posting lol. Grin

NotASingleFuckToGive · 12/02/2018 09:37

Where do you think it 'went wrong', OP? Flowers

Are you happy in other areas of life, ie work, friendships, home, etc.

RedForFilth · 12/02/2018 09:41

You sound totally negative and are shooting down everything anyone says. I would find that really off putting and wouldn't consider dating anyone with that attitude. Sorry to be blunt but for me that would be the issue rather than your size.

demirose87 · 12/02/2018 09:42

It might not be the key to happiness for you overall, its certainly not the key to having a successful relationship, but if your weight is getting you down you don't have to accept it. Losing weight won't magically make you happier in life but if its that holding you back, you can control that aspect of your life at least.

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:42

I think it went wrong because I was raised to be so self conscious. I was singing a song to my friends little girl the other day and my friend came in and I stopped and I realised it was because I used to be laughed at when I sang and people would cover their ears and pull faces. I can’t carry a tune very well but no worse than most people who can’t sing Grin Yet I love singing, even though I am crap at it.

So I don’t know, I suppose I’ve just always felt like relationships are for other people.

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Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 09:43

Red, yeah, I know, because I’m not really looking forwards here. I’m looking back.

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