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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU cancelling 8yr olds birthday party

148 replies

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 17:53

Deep breath needed. My nearly 8yr old has us walking constantly on eggshells. He is so compliant and a complete doormat in school, after school and clubs but takes out all his anger on us (parents) and his sister at home.

Every thing is no. Even asking him to get into the car yesterday to collect his sister yielded a massive tantrum because he didn't feel like it. He targets his sister and me.

We booked a party for him for his birthday in 4 weeks and he barely registered excitement and had to be cajoled to make a list even though he is so excited for a party.

This afternoon his sister saw some of my chocolate and asked if she could have a piece. I said yes and he threw an almighty tantrum because he didnt like said chocolate and I said he couldn't have any thing else (he'd had more goodies than her earlier). He ran over and punched my arm hard. This isn't the first time.

Banning screen time doesn't work and when I tell him he has to go to bed early he literally won't. I don't know what else will work.

I really want to cancel his party. Why should I spend hundreds on an ungrateful spoilt angry boy. Is a punishment 3 weeks away too much or am I in the right.

OP posts:
lookingforthedroids · 10/02/2018 17:55

I'd cancel, yes.

How long has he been like this?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2018 17:56

Yes, cancel it.

You’re having a horrible time, sorry Flowers

Knittedfairies · 10/02/2018 17:57

Do you have any idea why he is so angry?

Lennythelion14 · 10/02/2018 17:58

Yes. Have you seen someone for his behavior? Sounds like my son whos autistic.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 17:59

It's been slowly creeping up over the last year. I'm at my wits end.

This Dad has anger issues too and I'm afraid it's rubbing off. His Dad stomps around when he doesn't get his own way too

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 10/02/2018 18:00

What do you think cancelling the party will achieve ?? You are not ‘in the right’ to cancel his party.

You sound as if you dislike your son - calling him a ‘doormat at school’. Do you favour your DD over him ? Maybe he feels life revolves around his sister.
He’s only 8, is it possible he’s unhappy at school and taking his frustration out at home ? Have you tried talking to him or spending one to one time with him ?

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:00

Lenny my daughter has Aspergers so I know he's definitely not autistic.

OP posts:
Rewn7 · 10/02/2018 18:00

I’d cancel it. Definitely.

Branleuse · 10/02/2018 18:01

no, I wouldnt cancel his party. I would find another way of disciplining him.

Mayhemmumma · 10/02/2018 18:01

No don't you won't feel better for it.

upsideup · 10/02/2018 18:01

I would'nt no, I dont think extreme punishments like that work tbh as he will just end up more angry and resent you even more.
He's obviously not just an angry child as he would have problems at school to, you need to sit down and talk to him and work out the root of the anger.
To me it sounds like sibling rivalry, hes angry and feels like you favour his sister over him (of course I'm not saying you do), there has to be a reason behind all the anger at home and canceling his party won't sort it out.

DillyDilly · 10/02/2018 18:02

Just seen your last post- if your DH has anger issues then it could well be monkey sees, monkey does. Fix your DH problem and it might help your little boy.

Starlight2345 · 10/02/2018 18:02

I think based on one post it is very hard to say there is a bigger picture here . I would be looking at if there are issues behind this or a parenting course to help manage his behaviour . I am assuming if he wasn’t bothered about the party it isn’t actually any sort of punishment . Why have you booked a party that costs hundreds of pounds when he wasn’t interested ?

Believeitornot · 10/02/2018 18:02

Cancelling it will not tackle the root cause of his behaviour....

So if he’s good at school then it’s something that you as parents are or are not doing.

Beyond removing screens, what have you tried? Is he attention seeking because of his sister?

woosey35 · 10/02/2018 18:02

Sounds horrid for you. 💐
What happens when his dad stomps around? Do people pander to him? I think it sounds like learnt behaviour. So sorry, I know how hard it can be x

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:03

Dilly I love the bones of him and he gets treated the same as his sister. In fact I allow him more leeway as his moods are so angry. She is a peacemaker.

He allows people to walk all over him in school and other places but then bullies his sister and me in the house. He can control his behaviour out with the house but we get the brunt of it.

I am worried and scared for him as I know he is a lovely child underneath it all

OP posts:
DesperatelySeeking2016 · 10/02/2018 18:04

My 8 year old daughter is like this. It is so hard. Her default position is NO, I think part of it is anxiety but it is exhausting. She won’t get dressed or even go to the loo without an argument but is sweetness and light at school.
I think the hitting you means that you are well within your rights to cancel the party.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:04

Dilly I talk to him an awful lot about his feelings an awful lot. His sister wouldn't get anymore attention than him

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 10/02/2018 18:05

Are you sure he doesn’t have pda op? And is masking at school then acting up at home?

woosey35 · 10/02/2018 18:05

Sorry posted too soon.
I’d address his dads behaviour before you can hope for your sons to change. The fact that he’s fine anywhere else is a good sign and shows he hasn’t got real issues. He is testing his boundaries and sees his dad sulk to get things, so he’s doing the same.
I wouldn’t cancel the party. I would carry on as normal and show his behaviour is not affecting you and in fact the only one who’s getting wound up is him. As for your daughter, poor thing being on end of his fist. Talk to her and agree that she can help you too.

user1471462701 · 10/02/2018 18:06

“He bullies you”!!!!

I don’t mean to be rude but you’re the adult! He is 8!

Schroedingerscatagain · 10/02/2018 18:06

Poor boy, please don’t cancel his party, you say asd is on your radar then look at masking behaviour

If it is masking then he’s reached his coping threshold and is simply reacting in his safe environment at home with his family and can’t help his actions

It would be incredibly sad to think he is then punished for something he can’t help

Before you think I’m not being supportive of you I truly am, we went through just this hell with our dd and it is so difficult to see what’s really happening Flowers

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:06

Woosey I wouldn't say I pander to his Dad but when he lost it today he said 'I've a bad temper like Daddy'

OP posts:
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 10/02/2018 18:07

Your post brings up many questions for me:

Does your daughter get more attention because she's autistic?
Could this make him feel like she's the favourite?
Could you spend some 1:1 time with him & make him feel special.
Could he be at another end of the spectrum?
If he's behaving like your DH have you spoken to DH about this?
Have you had any family therapy?
Why would cancelling his party do anything other than make him more angry?

ShawshanksRedemption · 10/02/2018 18:08

Removing the party is too far away IMO. You need to sanction him there and then. What sanctions do you use, and how do you enforce them?
When you ban screen time what happens then? When he refuses to go to bed early, what do you do?

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