Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU cancelling 8yr olds birthday party

148 replies

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 17:53

Deep breath needed. My nearly 8yr old has us walking constantly on eggshells. He is so compliant and a complete doormat in school, after school and clubs but takes out all his anger on us (parents) and his sister at home.

Every thing is no. Even asking him to get into the car yesterday to collect his sister yielded a massive tantrum because he didn't feel like it. He targets his sister and me.

We booked a party for him for his birthday in 4 weeks and he barely registered excitement and had to be cajoled to make a list even though he is so excited for a party.

This afternoon his sister saw some of my chocolate and asked if she could have a piece. I said yes and he threw an almighty tantrum because he didnt like said chocolate and I said he couldn't have any thing else (he'd had more goodies than her earlier). He ran over and punched my arm hard. This isn't the first time.

Banning screen time doesn't work and when I tell him he has to go to bed early he literally won't. I don't know what else will work.

I really want to cancel his party. Why should I spend hundreds on an ungrateful spoilt angry boy. Is a punishment 3 weeks away too much or am I in the right.

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 10/02/2018 18:48

Having read this far I am very glad you have not cancelled his party. And it's very hard to know what's the right thing to do, you are obviosuly doing your best for him.

It almost feels as if a lot of things in his life are power struggles: with his father who has anger issues, with other children in school who walk all over him, even with you who are trying to do the right thing. He may be very anxious too with all this pressure, and anxiety feeds aggression.

Children with ASCs do vary a lot so I wouldn't necessarily rule it out even if he's quite unlike like any other child you've met! Or at least he could be struggling with some of the same issues.

I think it would be worth getting some professional help. There is so much going on this little boy's life and so many possible sources of this behaviour.

Finally, coping with physical aggression from your own child is horrible Flowers. Have you looked into de-escalation techniques? A lot of us here with difficult children (physically aggressive, angry, bad-tempered) have got mileage out of Ross Greene's Explosive Child book and Lives in the Balance website.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/02/2018 18:48

Sorry missed a page, glad you are not cancelling.

GrouchyKiwi · 10/02/2018 18:55

Am glad you've come to a solution for today, OP. Flowers

It sounds very difficult and I agree with PPs about his father's anger being a bad example for him. I also agree that cancelling his party would be a bad idea.

I know you've had a few book recommendations on here, but can I also recommend How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. We've just started using the version for younger children with our 3 and 5 year olds and it works so well at defusing angry situations.

Mishappening · 10/02/2018 18:56

Rules for punishment include the basic principle that the punishment has to be chronologically close to the crime - especially with a child this age. He could be as good as gold on the morning of what would have been the party - but still no party - that will make no sense to him.

His behaviour is pretty intolerable, but I doubt he is being deliberately naughty - he has reached his threshold and is simply overflowing. That does not make it any easier for you to tolerate, I realise that - but this little lad needs some help; and so does his Dad.

Goldmandra · 10/02/2018 18:59

What you have described is classic Asperger's?HFA behaviour.

When my DD1 was diagnosed, I felt reassured that her younger sister was so different from her and couldn't possibly be autistic too. Then I read more and realised she just had a very, very different presentation. She is now also diagnosed and has more challenges than DD1.

I think you need to look very carefully at whether adjustments in school could help him not to vent his distress at home.

Also, remember that controlling behaviour is often the result of unmanageable anxiety in children with autism.

It can be very frustrating when children mask in school and vent at us when they get home. Although it's an indicator that home is where they feel safe to be themselves, it feels very personal and our inability to stop it happening can be soul-destroying.

justanotheruser18 · 10/02/2018 19:02

Yes, cancel.

KalaLaka · 10/02/2018 19:03

Sorry haven't read full thread.

Please look up PDA. Very hard to get any help for it, but you'll need to adjust your strategies if you think it fits. Normal disciplining just doesn't seem to work.

Tistheseason17 · 10/02/2018 19:05

I would be worried if he is copying his Dad.
Also, why does he think it is ok to hit?
Firm but fair - maybe family counselling would be a good start.

justanotheruser18 · 10/02/2018 19:06

Not that I know anything about parenting an 8 year old. Maybe don't cancel :/

thetallesttree · 10/02/2018 19:08

Not read all the thread but I don't think cancelling the party will in anyway be constructive. In fact I think it will cause more anger and resentment and make things worse.
Your son sounds deeply unhappy and troubled. He (and you) need help and support.
Could he be struggling in school and that uses all his energy to be good and so he loses it when he gets home as he has no reserves left. I had a friend who worked as a Special needs teacher and she came across this.
I think a different approach is needed. I have a highly sensitive son.
I have tried the strict approach and the listening and understanding approach. The strict approach just made him so much worse. The listening and understanding approach calms him down.

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2018 19:09

Glad you're not cancelling the party now. I don't think it's the way to solve this. Hope you can make use of some of the good suggestions here.

Oh2beatsea · 10/02/2018 19:11

I would suggest looking up PDA - Pathological Demand Avoidance too. There is a checklist which might be helpful. Please do go ahead with the party and speak to him afterwards about good behaviour. Good luck.

KendalMintCakey · 10/02/2018 19:14

if DD has AS y cant he be on the spectrum?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/02/2018 19:16

Given everything that you've explained OP, I'm so glad that you're not going to cancel his party. You sound level headed and kind, and trying your best in a tricky situation.

If a child need appropriate discipline, not letting them celebrate one of only a handful of precious childhood Birthdays is far too severe. It's the kind of thing that still hurts as an adult.

He's only 8 and it sounds as though he's picking up on all kind of tensions and issues around him and at that age, a child's coping mechanisms are frequently not particularly well-developed. You have some great advice on here, so I won't repeat it, but this If it is masking then he’s reached his coping threshold and is simply reacting in his safe environment at home with his family and can’t help his actions probably covers quite a lot.

Good luck OP Flowers

Shedmicehugh · 10/02/2018 19:19

If his dad has anger issues and is prone to violent/aggressive behaviour this is very damaging to him. You say you are leaving him, but it takes time. I’d suggest it happens sooner rather than later.

Shedmicehugh · 10/02/2018 19:20

Cancelling his birthday or not is the least of your worries tbh.

ScattyCharly · 10/02/2018 19:22

How is leaving his father going to help him? If you are apart, he’ll have ds on his own for contact. With your dd who will be alone facing both of them. I would think better to get ds some help. People are talking about divorce like it’s a quick fix.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 19:23

Kendal of course he could be on the spectrum but he isn't

OP posts:
Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 19:24

Thanks very much for your kind words Shegot

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh · 10/02/2018 19:26

OP I hope you don’t mind me saying, I remember your drum kit thread. Is it possible that your DH is on the spectrum?

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 19:27

Not at all Shedmice. OH has ADHD without a doubt but won't get formally assessed. He also has anxiety

OP posts:
oldfatandstressed · 10/02/2018 19:28

I echo two previous posters, please look up PDA- children with PDA don't present as your 'usual' ASD, and are quite capable of holding it together at school and then bursting at home when they are in a safe space.
Don't discount it. It would take all of two minutes to look it up, and it may give you some ideas of how to support your boy.
Good luck.

ObscuredbyFog · 10/02/2018 19:32

Another vote for trying PDA strategies, irrespective if he's on the spectrum or not.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies

littledinaco · 10/02/2018 19:32

I thought PDA too from your OP but even if you think he doesn’t have it, he sounds very ‘demand avoidant’, especially the not wanting to write the list even though he was excited, so using some PDA stratergies might help anyway.

Shedmicehugh · 10/02/2018 19:33

I don’t think you can say your husband has ADHD without a doubt, if he hasn’t been assessed. Some disorders can mirror others.

If your dd has a diagnosis of autism, you think your husband may have an undiagnosed disorder. I second those who are suggesting you raise your concerns about your son to a professional. Even if just to rule any disorders out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread