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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU cancelling 8yr olds birthday party

148 replies

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 17:53

Deep breath needed. My nearly 8yr old has us walking constantly on eggshells. He is so compliant and a complete doormat in school, after school and clubs but takes out all his anger on us (parents) and his sister at home.

Every thing is no. Even asking him to get into the car yesterday to collect his sister yielded a massive tantrum because he didn't feel like it. He targets his sister and me.

We booked a party for him for his birthday in 4 weeks and he barely registered excitement and had to be cajoled to make a list even though he is so excited for a party.

This afternoon his sister saw some of my chocolate and asked if she could have a piece. I said yes and he threw an almighty tantrum because he didnt like said chocolate and I said he couldn't have any thing else (he'd had more goodies than her earlier). He ran over and punched my arm hard. This isn't the first time.

Banning screen time doesn't work and when I tell him he has to go to bed early he literally won't. I don't know what else will work.

I really want to cancel his party. Why should I spend hundreds on an ungrateful spoilt angry boy. Is a punishment 3 weeks away too much or am I in the right.

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 10/02/2018 18:25

I don't think you should cancel - he sounds very upset with everything - do you think he sees it as his sister gets more attention maybe? I personally would never have cancelled a big event like a party - I think it's best to take his things away that day etc so he learns there and then - 4 weeks to an 8 year old feels like forever

miasmith · 10/02/2018 18:25

With my DD (also 8) the more I push, the more she pushes back so I try and improve her behaviour in a non confrontational way.

So no I don’t think you should cancel the party.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 10/02/2018 18:29

What has been his punishment for hitting you? What has he done for the rest of the day.

I am not exaggerating when I say that if my child hit me then I would take away all devices and send them to their room for the rest of the day. I would then sit down and talk with the child with their father the next day.

This is not a criticism but could his behaviour be escalating the more he is getting away with? Are you, in a way, used to him behaving like this so it goes without big event?

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:29

Yes hoping to separate this year. We've had a chat and he is going to accept his punishment of going to bed early and the party won't be cancelled.

My heart is breaking for him. Feel like I am fucking him up

OP posts:
LincolnshireYellowBelly · 10/02/2018 18:29

I think your son sounds a completely normal 8 year old, and if he's polite and compliant at school it sounds like he's a pretty decent kid. It's normal to begin to challenge at the age of 8. He's testing boundaries. Be prepared to 'selectively' ignore some behaviour and temper tantrums, gently and kindly challenge him over more serious behaviour and try not to lose it over everything. Please don't refer to him as being a doormat because he does the right thing elsewhere. Nothing you say makes me think he's autistic. He's going through a stage that will pass. Be patient, be supportive, talk don't shout, ask him how you can help him. Be there for him now, because if you're negative with him now he won't let you be there when he's 14. Don't cancel his party.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 18:30

Give him a hug, tell him how proud you are of him for accepting his punishment. He does sound like a lovely boy behind all the anger.

Koala72 · 10/02/2018 18:31

an ungrateful spoilt angry boy.

He is barely 8 years old. If he is ungrateful, or spoilt, or angry, then the roots of it must be in his life somewhere.

I don't know how you talk to him, but if either of my children ever had punched me on the arm at his age, I would have sat with them all night if necessary, completely ignoring the rest of the family, until it was sorted.

You have to have zero tolerance of things like that, but that can't be actioned by doing things that will make the kid more angry. You have to get through to him that he is hurting you.

You have to show him your own feelings.

Cancelling the party sounds completely wrong - I wouldn't even think of doing that. You need to get him on side so that you can all enjoy his birthday.

It makes me sad to hear you calling him those things - and being a doormat, etc. Has he ever heard you say anything like that?

AlwaysPondering · 10/02/2018 18:31

Without meaning to offend have you ever said "you're like your dad". I only ask because my friends DP is very hot headed. Her son seems to be the same and in the past when she was going through a troublesome time with her DP she would say that to her son. It was very upsetting to witness and did not help at all. I just wondered as you said he said himself he is like daddy. Which I know could of course be from his own observations and comparisons.

It does indeed sound like his father is the cause of this. This could be a useless suggestion but perhaps you could arrange a lunch date with one of his friends and his friend's mum. Perhaps he would see how others treat their family. It's a tough one but my initial goal would be to try my hardest to display how not being hot headed and aggressive is the best and happiest way to be.

Sorry I'm not much help and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Springprim · 10/02/2018 18:32

No. Don't cancel the party. He needs to feel unconditional love which it is clear you have. Find a way that works. It sounds like he is really testing the boundaries.

Koala72 · 10/02/2018 18:32

Maybe he's compliant at school because he feels treated differently? Why is he a doormat for being well-behaved? What message is that for him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 18:33

Actually on reflection, after what I just posted, I think your ds is probably punishing himself enough and he doesn’t need punishment from you. I think you need to be very very kind to him. So he goes to bed early. Use the early bed time to spend some quality time just the two of you together, maybe reading to him.

Lovemusic33 · 10/02/2018 18:34

Sounds like he’s picking up on tension in the house (his dads behaviour). Also there could be a underlying problem, I have 2 dc’s on the spectrum and they are not alike at all. Sounds like you ds needs some calm in his life, the sooner his dad moves out the better but be prepared for some backlash from your ds Sad.

And don’t cancel his party but maybe make a chart where he can earn certain things for his party with good behaviour (cake, party bags etc...), bribery works well in our house.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:34

Koala I've never said them things to him. They were said on here in the heat of the moment. I make sure to say positive things to him to counteract his Dads negativity

I'm not cancelling the party.

OP posts:
juliej00ls · 10/02/2018 18:34

No cancelling the party does not match the crime... try 123magic book .... he’s got some really good ideas on managing poor behaviour which avoid you as a parent going nuclear. Good luck

Pillowaddict · 10/02/2018 18:35

Often children struggling at school bottle up their instinctive reactions and let them out at home - this doesn't necessarily mean that your child is responding to your parenting as a pp said when they show their anger, but can be similar to a coke bottle being shaken- coming home they feel safe enough to let it all out, and cam explode. It's great that you talk about his feelings- keep doing this. You might find NVR a useful approach to help deescalate when he is angry.

Also agree your dh needs to stop stomping around - model the behaviour you want to see, you can't expect your child to be more rational than his parent!
And I wouldn't cancel the party, or use it as a threat. May be he feels anxious about it and so this is actially something he's worrying about and affecting his behaviour? Sit him down and let him know you won't be cancelling it but let him know he can speak to you if he's worried about it perhaps. It could help to reassure him.

Shannaratiger · 10/02/2018 18:35

OMG this sounds just like my DS, my DD is Autistic as well. Ds's anger we've now found is due to really bad anxiety. Maybe you could look into this to try and find what is upseting him at school and home. He's 11 btw and in year 6 have only realised the anxiety for about 1 year.

HeebieJeebies456 · 10/02/2018 18:35

His father is setting a bad example and he's copying him.....he sees the women in the house take,tolerate and forgive the abusive actions of the father so he feels confident he can take his anger at life out on you as well.

What's your husband going to do about it?
When are you going to stop accepting it?

Shannaratiger · 10/02/2018 18:35

Sorry wouldn't cancel the party though.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:36

Thanks Julie will look up that book

OP posts:
Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:37

Shanna yes it could well be anxiety. I have a mindfulness CD and book that I am going to start using and at the end of the day he tells me 1 good thing/bad thing about the day and what he is looking forward to tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 18:42

HeebieJeebies456 his father won't seek anger management

I'm making plans to leave but it takes time

OP posts:
SusanBunch · 10/02/2018 18:43

How angry is his dad? Are we talking about the odd bit of shouting or have there been incidents of physical aggression? If there have, that can be very frightening and traumatic for a young child.

quizqueen · 10/02/2018 18:44

The father needs to seek help because your son is watching and learning inappropriate behaviour from him. Sit down with your son when he is calmer and ask him what he thinks is a suitable punishment for a child who hits a parent because there has to be consequences for that. Sorry to ask but has he seen his dad hit you? I certainly wouldn't have booked an expensive party in the first place for someone who wasn't that bothered about having one. His constant negatively needs to be nipped in the bud now otherwise it will escalate when he's a teenager. What is he like with grandparents and other wider family? Is there anyone at his school you could talk to and ask advice. His behaviour there may be better because they use certain strategies.

Tinkofhousepan · 10/02/2018 18:47

Cancel it. Even children with additional needs can know when they're being naughty. Reminds me of my cousin when he was little, very autistic almost non verbal. Told him not to put his feet on the dining table, so he removed his foot, pinched the tip of his sock, and put the sock tip on the table instead. Then stared me out as If to say what you gonna do now tinks? Punishment swiftly followed. Learning difficulty or not. They know when they are being shits.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/02/2018 18:47

"Lenny my daughter has Aspergers so I know he's definitely not autistic."

Unless your ds has had an assessment, they you can't say that. Autism in siblings can present very differently. Asd also runs in families.
Your job may have helped you to recognise asd in your dd but it can't work the other way for you to rule it out in your ds.
Aside from that yabu, it would be very cruel to punish an 8 year old in advance and so severely.

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