AIBU cancelling 8yr olds birthday party

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Deep breath needed. My nearly 8yr old has us walking constantly on eggshells. He is so compliant and a complete doormat in school, after school and clubs but takes out all his anger on us (parents) and his sister at home.

Every thing is no. Even asking him to get into the car yesterday to collect his sister yielded a massive tantrum because he didn't feel like it. He targets his sister and me.

We booked a party for him for his birthday in 4 weeks and he barely registered excitement and had to be cajoled to make a list even though he is so excited for a party.

This afternoon his sister saw some of my chocolate and asked if she could have a piece. I said yes and he threw an almighty tantrum because he didnt like said chocolate and I said he couldn't have any thing else (he'd had more goodies than her earlier). He ran over and punched my arm hard. This isn't the first time.

Banning screen time doesn't work and when I tell him he has to go to bed early he literally won't. I don't know what else will work.

I really want to cancel his party. Why should I spend hundreds on an ungrateful spoilt angry boy. Is a punishment 3 weeks away too much or am I in the right.

Sorry op just posted after reading your first post x

I’m not sure it is possible to treat siblings exactly the same despite our best efforts. Especially if they behave differently and have different needs.

So, I would talk to him about his behaviour. My DS is 8, and he went through an angry phase which took a lot of intense parenting to work through. A lot of it was he wasn’t happy at school and be needed decently sleep.

I’ve read a couple of good books - siblings without rivalry and “happy parent happy child”.

The key though was me and DH watching our behaviour was consistent between us and DH especially not being too harsh.
My concern is that you say your dh is “angry”...

Will cancelling the party make him even more angry? Will he enjoy the party and have fun at it? I would not cancel the party as a punishment for bad behaviour. My ds would be devastated if I did that. He would always remember I did that. I would not want him having those bad memories about his birthday.

Is he being bullied at school at all?

And no I probably wouldn't cancel the party. I just can't see how it will help.

My ds2 was very like this. Teachers would look vaguely bemused when we talked about this at parents evening because he was so well behaved in school. We were at our wits end. Then 3-4 months ago, just before he turned 10, he has really charged and is now a pleasure. We didn't obviously do anything, it seems it was just time and growing up.

What did work (when we spotted it in time) was to head off the tantrums before they could really gather momentum by distraction. What didn't work was big punishments, because he genuinely doesn't seem to give a shit.

The only slight caveat I'd add is that neither dh or I have obvious anger problems (apart from the usual losing our rag with kids from time to time like most parents) so if your dh is like this too it might be harder for him to shake this off if your ds is copying what he sees.

So in short, I'd try something other than canceling his party. Take away a gadget / favored toy etc that he has to earn back usually worked better than most things for us...

I think your husband is at the root of this. It sounds as if you and he may be modelling roles for your children. Are you a 'peacemaker' with your dh too?

What form does the 'allowing people to walk all over him' at school etc take? It sounds a little as if you disparage gentle behaviour in males. Does a part of you think men are supposed to stomp around and get their own way?

How does your husband respond to his behaviour? What is their relationship like?

Re your AIBU, don't cancel the party, no. This little boy (and he still is a little boy) is clearly struggling with his situation and the roles he thinks he needs to fulfil. Cancelling the party won't help.

Schroedingerscatagain it's definitely not ASD. I work in the area and spotted his sisters long before any one else did. He is a very sensitive lovely boy but this extreme anger and negative behaviour is so upsetting.

User yes I do think he pushing boundaries and bullying his sister at times. I know I am the adult here but literally no punishments are working

Yes your husband is the root of this as well - you have a distinctive user name - this is learnt behaviour

Always he doesn't like his teacher but we are managing that by talking about feelings. None of the rest of the class like her either. He has a gorgeous bunch of friends but very sensitive to criticism so even if a child said something inoffensive he would take it to heart.

Smiled he doesn't get anymore attention than his sister. He gets a lot of 1:1 time and talking about feelings

You need to tell him he’s a different person to his dad and has the choice to behave nicely or not.

How is his relationship with his dad? Does he treat him the same way as you and your daughter? Does his dad ever discipline him on how he treats you

Yes. I'd cancel. His behaviour is unacceptable and the fact that he can control it when he wants to shows that it was his choice to be violent at home.

I would talk to the teacher about this and ask if she can help him reflect

Anelderly not at all. In fact I applaud his gentle nature with his friends and celebrate that. I think men that stomp around are ridiculous, weak and I'm terrified he will become one

BUt you said he lets kids walk over him?

What have you tried with him?

Can his dad talk to him, tell him that it's not good to lose your temper and that they will both stop doing it.

No I wouldn’t cancel it

He isn’t happy and is finding it hard to express why cancelling his party isn’t going to make him more unhappy

And sadly he is learning how to behave from his dad

His behaviour soinds really tough to cope with. I dont think I'd cancel his party though, it'd just build resentment and possibly create worse behaviour. I think the chocolate scenario sounds very hard on him. I defy any 8 year old not to loose the plot watching mum and sister having a treat and not being allowed one. It woild be jard at that age to appreciate the pocture of treats over the full day and not yo juat feel left out/that thibgs were unfair in that moment. I think the problem solving techniques in 'how to talk so kids will listen...' may help. Engaging him as a team member in the family may help his self esteem and behaviour at home.

I was talking to a friend a while ago ago about her child who sounded quite like yours. She said her son had been diagnosed with demand avoidance syndrome and that it is part of the autism spectrum. He also functions perfectly well at school, but it all comes out when he gets home. I’d never heard of it but it might be worth looking up?

His Dad won't seek anger management help. He went to 2 sessions pre Xmas and didn't like the person.

I said walk all over him in anger as the incident had just happened. Its just upsetting that he changes personality at home

Does his father live with you? Is that likely to continue?

No, please don’t. He sounds like a troubled little boy. Please try and get to the bottom of it. He probably doesn’t want to act like this but doesn’t know any differently. He’s already decided he’s angry just like his dad. That’s incredibly sad. Don’t you want more for him than this? Can you get some outside help if you can’t fix it within the family?

If it really is hundreds of pounds I would cancel but I'd also be focusing more on your h behaviour as his son is copying him which isn't great for you or dd.