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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU cancelling 8yr olds birthday party

148 replies

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 17:53

Deep breath needed. My nearly 8yr old has us walking constantly on eggshells. He is so compliant and a complete doormat in school, after school and clubs but takes out all his anger on us (parents) and his sister at home.

Every thing is no. Even asking him to get into the car yesterday to collect his sister yielded a massive tantrum because he didn't feel like it. He targets his sister and me.

We booked a party for him for his birthday in 4 weeks and he barely registered excitement and had to be cajoled to make a list even though he is so excited for a party.

This afternoon his sister saw some of my chocolate and asked if she could have a piece. I said yes and he threw an almighty tantrum because he didnt like said chocolate and I said he couldn't have any thing else (he'd had more goodies than her earlier). He ran over and punched my arm hard. This isn't the first time.

Banning screen time doesn't work and when I tell him he has to go to bed early he literally won't. I don't know what else will work.

I really want to cancel his party. Why should I spend hundreds on an ungrateful spoilt angry boy. Is a punishment 3 weeks away too much or am I in the right.

OP posts:
Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 19:35

Thanks Oldfat I've looked up PDA and it's not him at all. I think he is highly sensitive and probably has anxiety

OP posts:
Sara107 · 10/02/2018 19:39

Don't cancel his party. Find out why he's so angry - its not normal for any child to be constantly angry. And if it doesn't happen at school it means it isn't a default behaviour over which he has no control.

2017RedBlue · 10/02/2018 19:43

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

LambMadras · 10/02/2018 19:56

A child will never behave better than the example they are set.

Get your husband to adjust his behaviour and see what happens.

Don't cancel the party.

celticmissey · 10/02/2018 20:01

I wouldn't cancel his party. You need to have a serious word with your DH - it sounds like he has learned behaviour from seeing his dad stomping around. You need to ask your DH not to do this in front of his little boy or if he is in a bad mood then find other ways of dealing with it. Children pick up quickly on moods and if there is tension in the house it will affect children. The fact that he says it is a "bad" temper suggests he knows what his dad is doing is not right. I would say he needs talking to not punishing at the moment. Talk to him about what makes him angry and come up with a list of ways he could calm down (counting etc going to his room for a bit) and use a reward chart for when he is good. Also speak to his school - is he being bullied? ask a teacher he is close to - to have a word with him in a non obvious way. He may find it easier to speak to someone who is not his immediate family. I'm not saying that there is domestic abuse in your household - but if there is, get help and advice from local domestic abuse - it is so damaging for children. Best of luck

WinnieFosterTether · 10/02/2018 20:08

I think he has anxiety and he's struggling with the example from your DH. We had similar but with the added benefit that his DF realised he had problems with anger and attended weekly counselling. It's going to be harder for you to turn it around without your DH's support . . .
but what else has helped is acknowledging whatever emotion he is feeling. Working with him on different ways to express anger (don't try to make him suppress it just encourage him to channel it). Also, consistent parenting. If your DH undermines your parenting then spend as little time with him as possible. Your DS needs clear boundaries and needs to know there are non-negotiables. He'll actually welcome those boundaries.
As for the party, you've made the right decision. Your DS needs support just now. Flowers

HPandBaconSandwiches · 10/02/2018 20:18

My son has had times like this, going on for months. Always when he’s reacting to a stressful life event or stressful environment.
If you have time then I’d strongly recommend reading The Highly Sensitive Child It helped me understand why it was happening and gave some good tips on how to avoid/handle the behaviour.

I suspect your key here is leaving, or getting your husband to leave. Focus every effort on doing that OP because every day spent in the house with your husband is, I suspect, doing significant harm.

Good luck.

Outnotdown · 10/02/2018 20:19

Hi op, I haven't rtft so apologies if I am repeating what pp have said.
You sound like a lovely caring mum who is struggling, which we all do.

With everything that is going on for your son, I would probably look into getting a child psychologist or play therapist session, just to give your son some time and space to express what is making him anxious. And their feedback might give you some ideas for new stategies to try.

And bear in mind, children express their frustration and anger to the person they feel safest with, the ones they feel who love them the most.

It's really hard Flowers

Koala72 · 10/02/2018 21:46

I'm sorry, OP : (. I didn't mean to sound harsh : (. TBH I would think most likely this is largely related to his dad's behaviour. I think you're doing the right thing to get him out of there.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 21:51

Not at all Koala. I was angry and worries and probably worded everything wrong but I don't think that of. He is a wonderful, kind, sensitive little boy. I used to be fairly similar, so we'll behaved in school and shocking at home, but I have a different personality.

OP posts:
iammargesimpson · 10/02/2018 21:55

Please don't cancel his party, he will be so hurt and angry and he will forever hold it against you. It could end up driving a big wedge between you. I haven't read all the replies but it sounds like you and your whole family need support dealing with his behaviour, I hope you get it.

princesswonderful · 10/02/2018 22:03

If you cancel you will make everything worse.

BlueMirror · 10/02/2018 22:22

I wouldn't cancel his party. It's nasty and if his behaviour is consistently bad then he's hardly going to just become an angel because his party's been cancelled. Instead of a one of gesture that will sour his birthday you need to get a handle of disciplining him day to day. There must be some rewards and consequences that he will care about.

KendalMintCakey · 10/02/2018 22:34

Until he's been assessed you aren't qualified to make that assumption. The behaviours you report suggest that stg is causing problem behaviour

greathat · 10/02/2018 22:36

No, cancelling his party won't make him behave it will make him angry and resentful and damage your relationship even further. Spend some positive time with him, ask him what he wants to do and do it

KendalMintCakey · 10/02/2018 22:38

To be frank the way you talk about him suggests you have had problems with bonding. Have you suffered with PND? You gave his sister a bit and not him (yes, he'd had some but when you've children share - even a square of choc is better than nothing).

The language you associate with him and his behaviour is all negative. It's as if you can't see the struggling child past the unwanted behaviour.

If you talk to him with the words you have used they can and probably have hurt, wounded and upset him. His sister has none of the negative language. I don't take pleasure in saying this btw. L and L x

BlueMirror · 10/02/2018 22:44

I read it that the ds didn't like the chocolate but still didn't want his sister having any rather than the op was leaving him out.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 22:44

Guys please don't post if you haven't read the thread. I've said several times that I'm not cancelling the party, that I don't use them words or labels on him. That I think he is a wonderful little boy and that in anger I probably worded the opening post incorrectly.

Sorry if I appear abrasive but I've answered the same questions over and over. There is nothing wrong with our bond, we are very close.

OP posts:
Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 22:46

Yes I didn't leave him out he didn't like the chocolate and I said no to an alternative as it was literally bite sized and he'd had plenty of goodies earlier on when she was out of the house. If the tables were turned she would have accepted it.

OP posts:
SockUnicorn · 10/02/2018 22:52

I would cancel, yes. Unfortunately your actions have consequences.

Something similar happened to me last year. DD had asked for an iMac for her birthday. Shes a good girl who gets very good grades and is generally a sweet kid. I bought it and had it upstairs hidden. She then turned evil. Only way to describe it. I had months of her being cheeky, shouting and being vile. Ending in her hitting me when angry etc, flying off the handle at little things and not calming down. Very like you describe.

Took months of me wondering what to do. they only get one of each birthday so could I really ruin it etc. Surely all kids go through this phase etc etc.

I stood firm and didnt give her the iMac. she didnt deserve it. she was DEVASTATED. i didnt buy anything in its place and she just got the little gifts I had bought her from her list. However her behaviour took a U-Turn and she now understands consequence. She then put it on her christmas list and was constantly reminded that she only gets gifts if shes good. (she got it and we havnt had any issues since her birthday last april).

FaithEverPresent · 10/02/2018 22:53

Firstly Flowers for you. It’s so hard when your kid lashes out at you. I have Asperger’s. DD is 5, I still don’t know about her but we certainly have some challenging behaviour at home (but not at school). Diagnosis/label or not, your DS sounds so unhappy. I would second the recommendation up thread for the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. This book works regardless of diagnosis/labels, it’s simply aimed at parents of children who struggle to express themselves and who explode instead (usually at their parents). Not only does it get you to think about the behaviour and the reasons behind them, it offers practical strategies on how to predict them and how to unpick the problems with your child. It has made a huge difference to how I approach DD, and she is a much happier child because of this. Don’t get me wrong, we still have moments when she kicks off and I realise in retrospect I should have seen it coming, but it’s far better than it was.

I hope you get everything organised to be free of the negative influence of his Dad soon too. Good luck.

BelleandBeast · 10/02/2018 22:53

DOn't - he sounds like an angry little boy - could you love bomb him?

here

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 22:55

Thanks so much Faith. I'm going to buy that book

OP posts:
FaithEverPresent · 10/02/2018 22:57

I really hope it helps you Smile