AIBU cancelling 8yr olds birthday party

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Deep breath needed. My nearly 8yr old has us walking constantly on eggshells. He is so compliant and a complete doormat in school, after school and clubs but takes out all his anger on us (parents) and his sister at home.

Every thing is no. Even asking him to get into the car yesterday to collect his sister yielded a massive tantrum because he didn't feel like it. He targets his sister and me.

We booked a party for him for his birthday in 4 weeks and he barely registered excitement and had to be cajoled to make a list even though he is so excited for a party.

This afternoon his sister saw some of my chocolate and asked if she could have a piece. I said yes and he threw an almighty tantrum because he didnt like said chocolate and I said he couldn't have any thing else (he'd had more goodies than her earlier). He ran over and punched my arm hard. This isn't the first time.

Banning screen time doesn't work and when I tell him he has to go to bed early he literally won't. I don't know what else will work.

I really want to cancel his party. Why should I spend hundreds on an ungrateful spoilt angry boy. Is a punishment 3 weeks away too much or am I in the right.

Belle thank you and great suggestion. I think I will go away with him for the night soon and take it from there

Faith it sounds exactly what we need. Thanks

I thought you were being tight when I read the title but no. You do not ever treat violence.
He needs to know that he has hit you, and because of that, he has lost out on his party. Because at 8 you can control him. At 14 not so easy.
And ASD or not, punching mum is very very wrong even if it is lashing out. The world is neurotypical as shit as it is. Violence in any form as a coping behaviour will never be good. And if that is the case won't the excitement and difficulties controlling himself make things worse?
And yes. LTB who is damaging your son.

It's not unusual to be good at school and naughty at home - though the extremes of it might be.

My son is extremely well behaved in any outside situation. He's 7. At home he can get into a rage/funk, refuse to do what he's told, get upset over what seems like nothing. I think in some way it's being good all day takes its toll and he has to let it out somehow later. He's also very sensitive and anxious. He has trouble sleeping. He has a younger sibling and he is always better behaved when he's able to have one-on-one time with me or DH. Not attention seeking exactly, but hugely benefits from having undivided attention.

For me, cancelling a party would seem too much. If there are issues with your other half, he could just be reacting to that in his own way.

Google Mandy Saligari and look at some of her work with problem kids. She’s a miracle worker

this screams of anxiety to me.

I have this with my 8 year old DD1, she behaves beautifully at school but lashes out at me regularly at home, and at DD2 (5). They're both adoptive and are full birth siblings. DD1 only lashes out when DD2 is there, too, it's very much a jealousy issue. She also has Attachment Disorder, which is common in adopted children, and she had a head injury whilst living with her foster carer; she came to us at 1 year old. She has sight and hearing problems and possibly other damage as well, we're trying to get her help now.

I think she holds in her anger at school and is ready to explode when she gets home.

I wouldn't personally cancel your DS's party. I would think of another consequence, we dock our DD1's pocket money when she lashes out, which seems to work.

You have my sympathy, OP, it's so hard to cope with it when your child lashes out.

OP I have no advice as I only have DS(2) but just wanted to send a big hug

It sounds incredibly rough, youv e had some brilliant advice though!

Just wanted to wish you and your DS the best x

I think you'll find removing him from an unhappy home life and and angry dad will do wonders for him.

@NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5

Great that you are not cancelling the party. Good news.

"... hoping to separate this year." I am glad you are as I think your husband may be massively contributing to the problem, how sad but that is it, possibly and the fact he is unwilling to address his anger (your H) is a terrible example for your son.

"My heart is breaking for him." you clearly love him very much.

"Feel like I am fucking him up" YOU ARE NOT. You are trying, continue to do that.

Some of this sounds like my dd. We've explored everything ODD/PDA/ASD it doesn't seem to be any of it! I am still thinking ADD or even ADHD or possibly anxiety for my dd.

You know we simply cannot diagnose your child by internet so I would really encourage you to refer your son fr CAMHS (as I am sure you know you can self refer but may be better coming from a doctor or even school, although school may not understand the issues as they do not see it).

My dd was/is pretty angelic at school, (although dyslexic and struggled massively, still does) but a bit of a nightmare at home. I could not love her more but it hurts when the object of your affection can be cold, cruel, angry etc. That's my story. We are going through CAMHS.

Good luck, you will get somewhere but I think you need help.

I'd also massively recommend, familylinks.org.uk/the-nurturing-programme and familylinks.org.uk/shop/the-parenting-puzzle-book

Keep punishments short and rare, if you can, lots of praise, lots of incentives for good behaviour etc. Lots of opportunities to talk and change track during an incident, opportunities for him to think can this end another way, do the thinking for him.

Things like saying "When you put down that object/un-clench that first, we can do and do XYZ." Think about how this needs to go for you to get the treat you are looking forward to, etc.

I am sorry if this is teaching your grandma to suck eggs! He needs to know there is another way, he change choose to change track.

(Is he being bullied at school, just check that that is not happening under the radar.)

Thanks

Try/buy/make a behaviour wall chart good naughty happy sad excited etc
Honestly this worked bloody wonders for my niece
It was lovely 😊 all the family went on the chart in the end and I have lots of happy memories being round their house and going through the chart with the children and adults all round the table
My niece actually got excited when auntie and uncle was coming round as we all got involved in it, still makes me smile now 👍😃

One other thing you can try is to follow simple logic that makes sense to an eight year old. I can understand why you didn't give your DS an alternative treat. But I'm an adult. To your DS it may just have looked like "Mum gave DSis a treat when she asked but she didn't let me have a treat when I asked". Which would feel unfair even if it wasn't. Your reasons may have been way beyond his understanding - you were going to let him have chocolate but when he wanted something different you decided he'd had too many treats already. And reasoning that "he had more than DSis earlier" will feel unfair to most children right now, and could lead him to look suspiciously at everything she gets to see if it's more than him.

So it may help if you plan out simpler rules. Like both kids can have just two treats per day, so your DS knows ahead of time if he can have another treat or not. Or you may decide it's not worth fussing over exactly who gets what and whenever you're letting one child have a treat they can both have treats (even if it does mean that on some days one child ends up with extra). Either way your DS knows where he stands and his world feels safer and less random.

What does your DH think of your DS's behaviour? Does he have enough self-awareness to see it as a mirror of his own?

I would never cancel a kids party. There are far better ways to punish bad behaviour or reward good

Screen time withdrawal doesn't work? Really?
Threaten to cancel party.

It's hard sometimes to find the thing they DO care about. But you must try and find it. And then sit him down and talk to him calmly. And say .... there needs to be an improvement in behaviour generally or else this will have to happen or that will have to stop etc - ie his privileges will be withdrawn.

YANBU.......

I second the recommendation for the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Excellent book. Also good is Raising Human Beings, also by Ross Greene. And the following books by Alfie Kohn: Unconditional Parenting, The Myth of the Spoiled Child, and Punished by Rewards.

My 8yo has very high anxiety, and it frequently comes out as anger. He feels out of control, so he attempts to control everything around him in response, to try to feel less anxious about it. Of course,that doesn't work well, which then makes him more anxious. It's a vicious cycle.

The problem with threatening to take away things from a child with anxiety is that you then only increase their anxiety. I'm glad you're not cancelling the party.

Lots of interesting links here, thanks.

GingerIvy great advice

@BruceFoxton

I just GoogledMandy Saligari and saw her Ted talk. Excellent. Thanks.

It was
Feelings handle them before they handle you.