About parents' money

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My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

I'd always want to help my DC even when they are adults, especially if I was financially comfortable and in a position to do so. Families should help each other

^ this

My parent gave her son a lump sum, because, to quote: "he has children and you have saved up money."

She left him more valuable things in her will.
It rankles, when I recall how badly he actually treated her.

I struggle to understand your parents OP. If I was them and could see you were working hard and had your life in order, I would take great pleasure in helping you out.

Your parents wouldn’t be short themselves by helping you out.

When a child becomes an adult they don’t stop being your child so I wonder why they are missing the “instinct” to want to help.

Are they close to you otherwise? Would they help with caring for grandchildren?

All families are very different, but I think they are being mean. I would say different if they were skint or you were a waster, neither of which is the case here.

It is difficult. You have an expectation of financial support when there is no requirement for them to provide any. You are selling a house but want a deposit- why not stay where you are until you can afford the new place?
Might it be your parents feel they have sacrificed much whilst bringing up their family and now want to indulge themselves (as is their right).
I can’t imagine not wanting to support our children in buying houses and other expenses as they go into adulthood but we don’t do open access to our money and finances. Are you sure they have quite as much as you think? Have they maybe been saving for new furniture?
Our children occasionally moan about our more recent holidays and complain they can’t afford holidays and houses. We’ll help a bit but not to excess as they have to learn the value of money, have to learn to live within their means and have to be allowed to be proud of what they have achieved by themselves.

Our DM helps us out financially at times (always pay back unless it's a gift) and we help our DC out if they are financially stuck. Can't imagine not doing that for our families.

I'd always want to help my DC even when they are adults, especially if I was financially comfortable and in a position to do so. Families should help each other

Exactly. I would never ever want my DD to struggle or have to go without. I chose to bring her into the world. If Ive got it & she wants/needs it, then its hers.

I would love to help out my DCs, however I have no intention of being taken for a soft mark. I have been taken advantage of.
Does OP have a partner? Could the partner's family come up with money.
Perhaps OP's parents who are showing wealth are not so wealthy in real cash terms. Perhaps them seeming to be wealthy have been asked for loans before which were not paid back so decided to close down their financial giving.
What does OP do for the parents? Does care for elderly parents depend on parents giving out cash?
As a parent of grown up and younger DCs I have no wish to see my DCs in any financial trouble but I am not going to be the only parent helping them.
It is the parents' money and you are not entitled to demand money from anyone. YABU and very rudely grabby

It's beyond me why people who are comfortably off wouldn't help out with a £1,500 loan. Helping out and seeing your kids benefit in your lifetime is one of life's pleasures - and far better than leaving it to them when you die.

As others have said - no obligation on either side. Sensible people do not waste money on tatmas presents when cash is tight. So be sensible.

When I bought my house (after my DH left me) I could afford the mortgage, but I had to put all the legal fees on my credit card. I cut up the card, set up a direct debit, kept moving the debt to a 0% interest card - and had paid it off three years later.
Do what you have to do OP - just make sure that you don't add to the debt, and you can do this...! Good luck

From the other side. I am extremely generous with my money. I bought houses for my children and pay every month for my Grandchildren. Plus cars and other serious handouts. But you know it was my choice.
They are grateful but it's really better if they don't ask.
I don't think we are possibly hearing the whole story here. I have had a situation where the children say they are short of money so I have given them or thought about giving them whatever, , then the following week they told me they have booked a holiday or my money has been used for something that it wasn't intended for. Generally my children are wonderful and grateful but my friends all discuss this situation and say that on ocassion they feel we have been put under emotional pressure.
Of course in a Emergency I would give my children the shirt off my back but I honestly don't think my money has the same value to them as the money they earn.
Perhaps the post has had money before in terms of schooling, etc. I would be extremely surprised if she hasn't ever had a penny from her wealthy Mother.
When you Mumsnetters are in the position where your children are eying up your money...you may feel differently.

I think people who don't help their kids when they can afford it are cunts. A loan? That's just fucking mean if and when you have the money to spare.

And what sort of parent expects expensive gifts from their kids? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Get them a card.

I'd actually start cutting them a wide berth.

I’m with you OP. Very mean spirited of them. But I’ve noticed that many DPs of adult DCs tend to have a very warped sense of current financial realities. Buying a property today is more problematic than even 15 years ago. A ‘fancy’ mobile is not a luxury it’s a necessity. Salaries don’t increase in line with inflation. Savings don’t pay much interest. Jobs aren’t secure.

Can you arrange a loan from your bank for this unexpected expense?

To other PPs saying you should know about this additional amount - I have bought and sold loads of properties over the years and always have some expense I’d not factored in. With experience I now make sure there’s a few extra thousand kept in a separate account to deal with this. But it’s taken a few heart stopping moments to learn to do that.

I’d always help my DCs and my DSCs if I can. Far rather they get help when they need it rather than in years to come when I’m dead and the taxman grabs a chunk of it.

Re your DPs being unhelpful here just stop with the expensive gifts. I’d even go so far as suggesting in future they get a homemade gift. Jar of marmalade, chutney or cheesy framed cross-stitch embroidery with the words ‘Best parents in the world’ (but then I’m a sarcastic so and so)

All the posters saying how terrible it is that the parents won't stump up money - have you not noticed the OP still hasn't confirmed how much she asked for. So many assumptions about this £1500 when her post actually says a few thousand.

To the 'i'd hand over the shirt off my back brigade' - would you really? All they have to do is say 'Can I have a few thousand' and you'll just hand it over? I don't think so.

I reckon the OP has tried to take the piss with her parents and they've sensibly told her to do one.

Expatinscotland - I wonder if this is just me but your post sounds so greedy and demanding and the language used is quite threatening. It does not come over well.

I don't have a partner, or children. I've been single a few years so it's probably unlikely I will have these and unlikely that my parents will need to help with a wedding or children - in fact they've already told me not to expect any help with that - when my sister got married her DH's parents sacrificed a holiday to help pay - my parents told me 'we won't ever be doing that'.

No expensive schooling growing up and I have always bought my own cars etc.

Maybe my opinion is warped because of my three best friends, all have parents who have helped them out financially with houses/weddings/babies.

I find the MN view that you don’t help struggling and hardworking children if you have lots of money yourself weird. We are putting cash into LISAs for our two student offspring which we inherited from my in-laws, who would have been shocked if we had spent it all on ourselves.

It is significant to me whether the OP asked for the money as a gift or a loan - if a loan, then I think it is U of well off parents who seem to have spare cash not to loan it. It would be nice if they gave it to her since they seem to be comfortable, but certainly shouldn’t be expected. My parents have given me quite a bit of money several times over the years, including for my first house, but I’ve never asked them for this (except that they release equity which I owned in a house for my own purchase - they chose to add to this to give me a bigger deposit). I might ask for a loan if I were struggling. I hope to be able to do similar though probably on a smaller scale for my DC in the future.

My DPs live in a bit of a different world from me financially but although they might make the odd thoughtless comment, they don’t flaunt their wealth as the OP’s parents do. I think that is certainly unreasonable, to be going on about the cost of all their luxuries, and contributes to the OP’s feelings of bitterness.

You're entitled to your opinion, Still . I'm entitled to mine, which is that parents who expect expensive gifts off their kids are twats and so are ones that watch their kids struggle and don't help them out when they can.

The OPs parents will pay for their own later life care as are wealthy. They will pay for it but they might not choose it. I have LPA for an elderly relative, I chose her care home, I agree to changes in treatment. If you lack capacity you can't make these choices. When I think of all the times she went round neighbours/local shops/doctors/social workers accusing me of wanting to "put her away" so I could have her money I wonder if anyone ever thinks that if that was true why did I pick such an expensive home for her.

Blimey op you’rs getting a hard time, especially from the hard of reading mob.

A loan is no issue for them so-why not? Is it both saying no or does your father defer to your mother?

I know a great number of parents who help their children, especially with things like school fee’s.

In your shoes I’d say I need a short term loan or the chain falls through. Otherwise would they be willing to stand guarantor?

Sounds like they are too busy keeping up with the jones to think about their own children

I have to say my parents wouod have helped. Even more so because some of the money they have is actually money they didn’t plan to have (came into more money - inheritance??).
My parents wouldn’t give me money they can’t spare and yes they do and did think about their own situation when they will be older - my gran having no money to get new dentures because she gave everything away to her dcs has shown them how important it is to be careful.

But we are talking about a few thousands pounds, not £10k and it seems that they could spare that money wo any major issue.

If that helps OP whenever I have asked my parents for some money, i did ask for a loan. They always refused the loan and gave me the money instead. BUT i wanted to show them that
1- I really needed that money
2- i wasn’t expecting them to pay as such
Maybe your parents wouod be open to that seeing that you could build that level of savings in a few months???

Some years ago I worked for someone who was quite well off, big house, big car, good job and good pension to look forward to. His DD wanted to be a doctor, she didn't qualify for any financial help (no student loans at that time and she couldn't get a grant because of his earnings) and he said he would help her but he kept a record of every penny he spent and she had to sign a legal agreement to say she would pay him back. I lost so much respect for him.

I don't think you are BU. No, they're not obliged to help, but given the crazy cost of housing now, I think (where there has been no massive falling out because of unreasonable behaviour from offspring) that parents who could easily afford to help and choose not to, are mean and selfish. We have helped both dds with property purchases as far as we're able - I do know we're fortunate to be able to do it.

Just one thing, though - are you sure they're as wealthy as you think? Because I do know people who have flash cars, big houses, go on nice holidays, etc., but behind it all there's a stack of debt, or a lot of it's funded via ripoff equity release, etc.

Expatinscotland - you are entitled to your opinion as I am too.
My point is that I would like to give rather than have money demanded from me. There is a huge difference. I do not expect anything from my DCs, and definitely do not want them to go over budget to buy for me. I am happy with small meaningful presents. Meaningful is much more to me than expensive.
I have been taken as a mug with money. I wish it had not happened but it has and that is why I don't like this expectation of parents. Especially if it is only one parent (or one side's parents).
I am putting forward another side to this debate