About parents' money

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My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

I'd be really upset in your shoes OP. I think that's bloody stingy and lacking in family feeling.

parents who expect expensive gifts off their kids are twats and so are ones that watch their kids struggle and don't help them out when they can.

^This.

I think I live on an alternate reality where families help each other out in practical and financial ways according to needs and means.

The idea of expecting expensive gifts whilst watching your children struggle even when they have asked explicitly for help is just entirely alien to me.

Why the hell should they give you any? It's their money and they should enjoy it. If you can't afford to move, don't. I left home at 16 and have never taken a penny from my parents but worked hard and saved (and lived in some sh*t holes along the way). I am proud that I am independent.

Those who cannot understand how parents can possibly treat their DCs like this - read this thread. People genuinely believe that asking parents for money, or hoping to be offered it, is wrong - a sign that you are some sort of loser or grasping cow. They lump in rich kids who want more more more, with those who have worked and come on hard times.

I now know that until we die/the house is sold, we can't give our 2 DDs any significant sums, but they are only teens now, so in the meantime I give them every penny I can lay my hands on. They've had to come round supermarkets with me with just pennies and 5p pieces, count them at the cash desk and find we didn't have enough for a 20p loaf of dirt cheap bread. They learnt to hide their embarrassment and upset when I had to put things back, or when their friends had nice clothes etc (or even more than 1 change of clothes) and they didn't.

That situation ended about 3 years ago and has left them sick with worry about having enough money, it will follow them all their lives. But they know that if I have £10 that is theirs, they rarely ask, but they usually get when they do. I was just able to go out and buy DD lunch and get her some make up. I have no money left for myself, but what a waste of space I would be if my DD wanted a little treat and I took that money and treated myself.

I actually despise parents like the OPs.

Yes, YABU

I really don't understand this sense of entitlement to parents (or sometimes grandparents) money.

If you can't afford the deposit, then you can't move until you have it saved. I don't understand why you'd try to sell your house and move when you cannot afford to (or at least, cannot afford to raise the deposit on a new property)? This seems very bad planning on your part OP- unless it is a forced move (e.g. for work). You may just have to put off moving until you have managed to save what you need.

You have no right to their money. Of course it would be lovely if your parents had volunteered to give you the money you want.

There a few reasons your parents may not want to give or lend you the money. Some people feel their children should make their own way in life and "cut your cloth to match your means", as my grandmother would say, rather than rely on the bank of mum and dad whenever they are a bit short or want to buy something. I think it's an unpleasant trait to feel entitled to other peoples money and resentment when they won't just hand it over.

It would be nice if they'd lend you the money, but given that you are struggling to save a few thousand £'s now, perhaps they think you won't be in a position to pay it back?

The only bit you have a point about is the christmas presents- if you can't afford/don't want to buy expensive presents, simply do not do so. And if your parents complain then they are incredibly rude. You simply reply that you can't afford it.

Assuming your parents are otherwise decent people, I think you need to get over your resentment.

So you have an income which allows you to save. Why can't you borrow from somewhere else?

You could ask your parents to lend it and draw up a schedule of repayments.

You have a lot of options. Phone round every bank, building society, insurance company etc etc and ask about loans. Well done to your parents bringing up children who are able to stand on their own feet. You're not helpless.

Yanbu, they sound like a pair of selfish knobs!

Yabu. It's their money to spend how they like. I can never understand people who expect handouts from their parents.

OP I'd go to your DF with a "business" proposition. He lends you £1,500 at 5% interest - ie more than he'd get on anything else. You provide him with a worked out plan of how you will repay - and that you will set up a direct debit to do so. Then it should be a fair proposition - you are asking for a loan on terms that are fair to them.

If he says no could you beg your bank manager or sisters or put it on a 0% credit card? Then when it comes to Christmas just tell them (and your siblings) that you can only give a token present to everyone on the grounds that you're paying off the credit card bill you incurred to pay the fees?

I sympathise as last time we moved we ended up with a mortgage redemption fee of 3 months interest when we only had another 6 weeks of the mortgage to run. I hadn't expected to have to pay that additional 6 weeks interest. It wasn't as much as your £1500 but it was a cost I had to scrabble around to find.

I am also of the school that they shouldn't be expecting you to disrupt your lifestyle to become their carer in old age...

It sounds like there is something deeper here. OP, you sound like you really despise your mum, saying she has never worked a day in her life, and calling it your dad's money rather than their money. Do you really not count bringing you up as working? You sound like a nasty piece of work, and that's probably why they aren't dishing out the dosh. If they gave you what you wanted now, it'd never end with someone like you.

Yanbu op. Wealthy parents who dont give a thought to struggling children....beyond stingy. Shite parents in fact.

Wealthy parents who dont give a thought to struggling children....beyond stingy. Shite parents in fact

The OP is not struggling though? There is a massive difference between being short on house moving fees to genuinely struggling to make ends meet.

Perhaps you could come up with some sort of agreement where you pay them back the money over time if they agree to lend you it?

Money is so awkward. It caused a massive ripple in my extended family a few years ago when someone asked someone for money.

If I had money to spare, I'd definitely offer to help my children out.

My parents-in-law have given us money towards a house deposit, and always insist on paying if we go out for a meal with them. My parents, despite having far more money, always assume we'll split the bill and will only ever consider lending us money - and that only if we ask directly with a repayment plan. Still, it means they can have a nice car, a new bathroom and a cruise!

I don't begrudge my parents this, as they've worked hard all their lives and deserve to enjoy life now. They're generous in other ways - like with their time.

Families are all different!

They sound like wankers to me.

Also OP, it doesn't sound like you like your mother much- and are quite scathing about her. You also don't sound like you respect her - e.g. comments like she "just spends dad's money"- they are a couple and so joint money surely? Also, unless you had a nanny/cleaner etc, she probably did work- just not in employment.

I'm not sure how you feel about your dad, but I don't get the sense you are very close.

Perhaps you do generally have a good relationship with your parents, and are just highlighting her most negative points as you are annoyed. I think the resentment must be about more than not giving you £1500? To get so resentful about this seems quite out of proportion.

If you aren't close, and your mum is aware how that you don't really like or respect her, plus they have picked up a sense of entitlement to their money, do you think this might be why they have decided against giving you a loan?

Tricky one.

I'd like to think I would always make sure my dc are OK! Life is fleetingly short we may live for a few decades and be dead for eternity. If I could maximise my dc happiness and especially if that caused me not one jot of difference to my life quality... Why not? I brought these children into the the world after all..

I can of course think of a few scenarios where I wouldn't help. Addiction issues maybe etc. But I think even if I didn't like my dc I would hope to love them and support them where I could.

I found my own dp had money then through circumstances lost it, df always helped me out and in turn I helped him out. It yo yoed liked that. I would up grade hotel rooms for him, get expensive gadgets useful he would never buy for himself, brought him new fridge freezer etc and when I was short he would help me.
I think too it would awful to luxuriate in a flash life style with my children struggling.

The trouble us these wealthy boomers want their kids to learn the value of money whilst failing to acknowlege the cost of housing now.

I was working ft last year but v skint. I was told it was because i wasnt working hard enough

I also had to budget v carefully but was told i wasnt budgeting...er i was..i had to.

No help offered. It leaves a mark.

OP - why haven’t you said exactly what or how you asked them for this money?

Are you just expecting them to offer? (YABU)

Or have they refused to give you a specific loan? (YANBU if they haven’t explained why not.)

I suppose you would call me a 'wealthy boomer' but you cannot generalise about us because all l want is to die happy knowing my 2DDS are taken care of for their life. I don't care about spending money or cruises or any rubbish holidays, cars or houses etc etc. I just want a simple happy life with the knowledge my DDS will be looked after financially. My husband thinks along these lines too thank God.
I cannot believe the attitude of the OP's parents I think they are just despicable and should be very proud of the OP and what she is achieving . All credit to you OP .

I wonder if it's a matter of how much money you have. I have given mine a fair bit - older ones help with property deposit, paid for university. After that I as did my parents expect them to cope (I will house them here and give them food if times are hard and I always have 1001 jobs they can do for me for pay within my business and about the home). One reason not to give them more even if I had it is that if your adult life is subsidised you tend not to get on and achieve things yourselves. It is why Bill Gates and most very rich people limit what the children receive so they have some incentive to build their own lives.

So I feel comfortable helping with a first property but not after that (even if I were to build up substantial savings).

I suspect those with not much money at all are comparing apples and pears here.

I think it is hugely damaging to children to feel they are taken care of for life like some kind of useless kidult. You do them a massive service if you let them loose to live their lives.

cannot believe the attitude of the OP's parents I think they are just despicable and should be very proud of the OP and what she is achieving

Maybe they are proud? Just because they are spending their own money on themselves doesn't mean they are not proud of their DC.

Why on earth would the OP's mum give her daughter any money when the lack of respect and dislike of her is so obvious.
If it is SO evident in a few short posts, just think how obvious it must be in real life?
If I was her mum I would be telling her to FO , what a cheek!

Borderline11 I also work my arse off and don't earn nowhere near as much as my parents did and probably never will but I still don't expect them to bail me out all the time. It's their money not mine.

cannot believe the attitude of the OP's parents I think they are just despicable and should be very proud of the OP and what she is achieving

Dispicable because they aren't financing an adult child? The OP seems to think they should despite obviously resenting her mum given the nature of the posts.

Maybe they are proud of their DD in general but working and purchasing a house are hardly something unique. It's just what responsible adults do.