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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About parents' money

431 replies

junpinline · 10/02/2018 11:47

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 10/02/2018 15:51

I think you need to rethink your own expectations of your relationship with your parents

This.

It is ok to be sad that they don't want to help you.
You don't have to buy gifts. You don't have to admire their purchases.
And you can quietly console yourself with the knowledge that you won't have to look after them in their old age...

Alpestris · 10/02/2018 16:06

I would go to them again with a specific amount you would like to request, and a proposal of how you will repay it. Spell it out to them that this was an unexpected fee, and therefore you haven't budgeted for it, and that if they can't help then your sale will fall through. If they value their relationship with you I'm sure they will help if they realise you have no other option. Especially if you go to them asking for a loan not a gift.
Good luck.

rothbury · 10/02/2018 16:11

It sounds like you have communication problems with your parents, and also like you really don't like your mother.

So have you actually sat down with them properly and explained that you need £x or the whole thing will fall apart - please will you lend me £Y and I will repay it by Z date? And they said No?

It just comes across that you have intimated you might need some more money and they have not really understood/brushed it aside.

Jaxhog · 10/02/2018 16:12

You may need to be very specific when you ask. Say I need xx by yyy. I would be happy to pay back zzz by jjj. Tell them the consequences if you DON'T get the money. If they then say no, then you'll know they aren't going to help.

It may feel mean, but, ultimately, it is their money to do with as they wish.

MichaelBendfaster · 10/02/2018 16:14

Yes I've asked them but they think I have loads of money 'squirrelled away' as I was always good at saving.
Have you said 'I don't have anything squirrelled away'? If so, what do they reply?

But anyway, I think YABU to ask for a gift of money; a loan is a bit different.

They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.
This is massively greedy of them. Stop buying them expensive things.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 10/02/2018 16:19

They spent thousands and thousands of pounds bringing you up. Which was their choice btw but still extremely costly. It's not like they never spent money on you or supported you.

Are you unreasonable to be resentful that they won't just give you cash as an adult just because you want some?

Yes.

Flomy · 10/02/2018 16:20

This annoys me, when some people decide to have children, (that didnt ask to be born) they look after them as children, then when they turn into adults - its "right, off you go, see you later, you might struggle but tough shit" Grin

Chickoletta · 10/02/2018 16:28

This would make me very angry, OP. Yes, it's their money to do what they want with but what kind of people put lavish spending ahead of their children's needs?

I have a friend who's been in a similar position. She became a single mum after her partner left her high and dry with a toddler at about the same time that her parents' house was up for sale for well over a million quid. They could easily have helped her out but didn't and she has had to struggle. A couple of years ago when she was really skint and her car needed new tyres they bought them for her - for her birthday!! They have approx £150k's worth of cars on their drive.

One day, I hope to be comfortably off, and when I am, nothing will give me more pleasure than helping my children.

YTho · 10/02/2018 16:30

I can understand OP feeling resentful.

i don't really get the whole attitude of children become completely independent of their parents when they grow up. That's not how families work. Parents choose to have children and bring them up, children become adults and when parents become elderly, will help look after them. If adulthood was a universal sign of complete independence from family then elderly parents shouldn't have any reason to expect their children to help them out.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 10/02/2018 16:30

Flomy - I don't think that's the case at all. The parents aren't saying 'off you go, see you later'. They're still parents offering famial relationships and support from what I can see.

OP hasn't been abandoned, she wants cash. And not because she's on the poverty line or homeless. She's not 'struggling'. She owns a property and wants to move to another one and thinks as an adult, that her parents should pay for it.

Wauden · 10/02/2018 16:31

OP- management exit fee around £1500. Shock Can you contest that? Did you sign up for this? Seems like daylight robbery.

Maybe if your mother knew it she might lend some money.

Actually, I am with you - I would resent her for this. Its a deposit on a home- crucial.

LadyinCement · 10/02/2018 16:37

My pil were extremely mean. Extravagant with themselves (holidays, jewellery etc) but really penny-pinching when it came to their dcs. E.g. Coming for Christmas and their sole contribution was a box of crackers from which two had been extracted for their use at New Year...

When mil went into a care home it was discovered that they had £££. Now fil is in a home too and over £500k has gone in fees (in quite a mediocre home). People say it's a crying shame but I can't help feeling they wouldn't care as they were always so determinedly tight-fisted.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/02/2018 16:38

Actually, I am with you - I would resent her for this. Its a deposit on a home- crucial.

It’s not as if the OP’s parents are seeing her homeless so it is far from crucial. It’s a bill for moving the OP hasn’t accounted for, she either finds the money, asks parents for a loan (and accepts if it’s a no answer) or doesn’t move. That’s what independent adults do, they do not expect handouts when they get it wrong.

LolitaLempicka · 10/02/2018 16:38

Yes of course they are under no obligation to give you anything but it does hurt. I am very good at saving and even when I barely had any money, I saved. Therefore my parents never helped me out. My sister has expensive tastes and exotic holidays so she has never been able to save anything, so my mum helps her out massively, house, car babysitting! It is shocking!

alotalotalot · 10/02/2018 16:39

Ask them explicitly for a loan with a payment plan in mind.

Strokethefurrywall · 10/02/2018 16:40

I get your point but you lost every ounce of sympathy when you referred to your mum "spending your dad's money..."

Did you drag yourself up then?

Notasunnybunny · 10/02/2018 16:40

We try not hand too much to the kids on a plate, we feel they need to find out what it takes to save a deposit for a house, pay a mortgage and work their way up the housing ladder themselves. We will be there with help for grandchildren, family holidays and extras, we also hope to leave them a considerable property portfolio but first they need to make their own way in life. A bit of struggling can be a good thing.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/02/2018 16:41

Now fil is in a home too and over £500k has gone in fees.

Where else should it have gone and who should have paid for their care expenses? Hmm. Maybe they believed in paying their own way?

grannytomine · 10/02/2018 16:43

When my dad died my mum showed me a big sweet jar full of £2 coins he had been saving for my baby’s cot. She then spent it all.
That still hurts over a decade later I'm not surprised, I think that is really nasty.

My kids have never asked for help, I have given help with big things, houses, cars, babies. It gives me pleasure and I am happy I am able to do it.

If I was OP I would forget the expensive presents.

Worldsworstcook · 10/02/2018 16:48

YANBU DM watched the same thing then when her DM died she gave us money, not a lot, but some. Your Parents are being very tight by not offering to help both you and your siblings. I think they forget sometimes who chooses the old people retirement homes.,

LadyinCement · 10/02/2018 16:50

I'm not suggesting that they should have avoided paying for care by giving it all away (like many people manage to do - or at least used to do) but it is depressing when thousands every month is going to a care home company and yet the pil wouldn't buy their own dcs anything. Dh even had to pay to live at home during the university holidays (and the pil were high earners).

Sevendown · 10/02/2018 16:50

Your parents sound mean.

Remember this when they need their arses wiped.

ohtheholidays · 10/02/2018 16:52

YANBU and I think your parents sound really selfish!

Yes they don't have to give OP any money but what sort of person would begrudge someone they're supposed to love by helping them out with what is a big amount to the OP but doesn't sound like they'd even miss!

I hate tightness in people I think it's one of the worst traits a person can possess,I once dated a guy who behaved like that,I split up with him within 2 weeks and he couldn't understand why,he was loaded but would drive around for 30 minutes looking for free parking rather than pay £2-£3 on parking,all I could think was what a misearble life to lead.

DeathStare · 10/02/2018 16:52

So many inter-twined issues in this one!

Would you be unreasonable to expect them to give you the money? Yes. It's unreasonable to expect anyone else (pretty much) to give you money. But then I'm not sure that you did expect it

Is it unreasonable for them to have refused to lend you money for something so important when they could afford it and you could pay it back fairly quickly? I don't know about unreasonable but it's certainly not very kind of them.

Is it unreasonable for you to feel narked about that? No I don't think that's unreasonable. As I said, while I don't think it should be expected of them to give you the money, lending it you in these circumstances, it certainly wouldn't be much skin off their noses and would help you a great deal.

Are you unreasonable to refer to it as your dad's money and not your mum's? Yes. Who earns the money and how is their business. It's both of them's money.

Are they unreasonable to make such a big deal of how much everything they buy costs? Yes. That's both gauche and insensitive.

Are they unreasonable to expect expensive gifts? Yes.

Does that help?

HarveyKietelRabbit · 10/02/2018 16:55

Oh the 'who choses the old people retirement homes' nonsense fucks me off. The OPs parents will pay for their own later life care as are wealthy.

The idea that adult children would choose a shit place because the
parent hadn't given enough cash to their adult children (OP is mid 20s) is just fucking gross.

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