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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About parents' money

431 replies

junpinline · 10/02/2018 11:47

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2018 13:53

junpinline "My mother has never worked a day in her life but she adores spending my dads money. It's all about 'I've got this, guess how much it cost' when I see them."

They do not sound very nice but to be honest your mum may not have 'worked a day in her life' but I bet bringing up and your siblings was work. Unless you had a full time nanny and staff?

You are not unreasonable for wanting some family money and they sound selfish and unreasonable and just not very nice.

I've got three words for you... divide and conquer! Work on the most reasonable parent.

Or move on, find another way to fund the move and stop buying them expensive presents. But them what you want.

Good luck, and remember they cannot take it with them...

Argeles · 10/02/2018 13:54

You didn’t ask to be brought into the world, your parents chose to have you.

They should therefore be doing everything possible in my opinion to help you, and you shouldn’t have to ask.

My DH’s parents are from a different culture, and the explanation I gave above, is how they describe the relationship between themselves and their adult children, and I agree with it.

Whatever money my DH and I may have in the future when our children are older, we fully intend to help them with it in whatever way we can.

Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2018 13:54

Buy them what you want.

Riverside2 · 10/02/2018 13:56

borderline11 "Well let's hope the Ops parents don't expect anything of her when they're old and in need. After all the Op doesn't have to help. "

this.

though I will add, that exit fee can't be seen as unforeseen!

Original poster
junpinline · 10/02/2018 13:58

I said a few thousand at first as I didn't want to go into detail to be outing.

I can't believe many young people are able to buy houses leaving thousands of pounds in reserves either, these days.

Within a few months I would have built my savings back up - but need the money now to stop the chain falling through.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 10/02/2018 14:01

Have you sat down in a formal fashion and explained the situation and asked very nicely for a loan to help you with this? Or hinted and asked in a roundabout way?

And do you actually get on with one another? If you have a generally poor relationship or have a previous issue that is clouding the current situation then they may feel justified.

Are they living off capital? Despite their seemingly lavish lifestyle it’s possible they need every penny in capital.

We’re they self made? Perhaps they struggled massively and this is ‘their time’ and they just want a good time?

I would lend you the money as a parent. When dh and I were young both families helped. Both were repaid. That was when we needed it and that’s what I will do for my own dc.

I sense a lack of real communication and a sense of resentment from you that is probably quite discouraging. Try talking properly and being very nice, it helps. Smile

dairymilkmonster · 10/02/2018 14:03

I agree it is vexing that the people who should be your closest supporters in every way haven't noticed that you could do with a loan. We ended up asking my parents for a loan to cover a shortfall when we needed to upsize after having ds2. They were fine with it and we have paid them back. My parents are comfortably off but not rolling in money. They also have helped my sister.

My parents in law both had high paying jobs (>100K each) and final salary pensions, live in a massive house, go on about 3 holidays a year each costing £10,000/head or so, replace perfectly good furniture with expensive bespoke pieces regularly and have never offered anything. DH is an only child.

When we moved ds1 from state school where he had not settled socially and was not doing well to a local independent school as we couldn't get a place at any state schools on our side of the city (which they were pleased by as they are v anti state schools, lumping them all together as being useless) they didn't offer to help with the fees, even just in the short term. Luckily I had a bit of an inheritance at about the same time which has secured several years of fees and more recently DH has had a pay increase so we are ok.

I would just ask, phrasing it in a 'help out with' sort of a way.

retirednow · 10/02/2018 14:04

If you are able to build your savings back up within a few months could you just take out a bank loan, you are in a very lucky position, in your twenties with your own house and with savings. You're right, not many young people can do that these days.

aprilanne · 10/02/2018 14:07

the truth my children could have my last penny if they needed it cant understand when parents watch there children struggle and do sod all to help

MuseumOfCurry · 10/02/2018 14:08

I also don't understand why parents wouldn't want to help. If your description of your mother matches her actuality, i.e. it's not a caricature, she sounds decidedly tone-deaf.

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 14:15

I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR A DEPOSIT.

There is no need to shout. You do not have enough money for a deposit plus fees.

You say you’ve asked your parents and they’re “not interested”.

Either
a) they don’t have it either and don’t wish to admit this to you
b) you haven’t been explicit that you need a loan for £1500 or your chain falls through and you can repay this within 6 months
c) they don’t like you much

Spartasprout · 10/02/2018 14:23

I said a few thousand at first as I didn't want to go into detail to be outing.

So did you ask to borrow £1500 or several thousand? I think there'a a big difference between requesting a specific amount (£1500) because you have an unexpected bill (perfectly reasonable) vs asking for 'a few thousand' because you're part way through a sale/purchase and can't justify the amount you need,

If you've requested £1500 in those circumstances I would hand it over, but a rather wooly request for a few thousand would be a no.

SeaCabbage · 10/02/2018 14:27

Have you directly asked your parents for a specific amount of money and told them why you need it?

Or have you hinted and allowed them to erroneously think that you have this amount "squirrelled away"?

When they said that, why didn't you disabuse them of that idea?

WeAllHaveWings · 10/02/2018 14:28

YABU to resent your parents. They've done the hard bit and successfully brought you up to be an independent adult it is not their place to now fund your life choices/unexpected costs.

YWNBU to ask them for a short term loan, but do not take umbrage if they say no. YWBU very unreasonable to ask for or expect anything else.

Telling us about their new cars, holidays, furniture etc sounds like pure and nasty entitled jealousy. Its their money that they've earned, invested and saved (or inherited through a sad loss) and they are allowed to enjoy it now their children are adults and no longer dependant, not yours just because you are related.

Trying2bgd · 10/02/2018 14:54

I personally do not understand the attitude of your parents and i don't think you are being u r being ureasonable. I think most parents in such a healthy financial position would be fine to help especially as its short term, relatively small amount and a loan.

However, I think you need to rethink your own expectations of your relationship with your parents. They are unlikely to change. They clearly are the type of parents who feel job done when you hit adulthood. Expensive gifts are out too.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 10/02/2018 15:11

Telling us about their new cars, holidays, furniture etc sounds like pure and nasty entitled jealousy

I don't think in this instance it does. It contextualises that she's not asking for their life savings but that the amount is a drop in the ocean to them.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 10/02/2018 15:21

Sorry but you sound entitled. Sounds like your parents are quite wisely teaching you the value of money and that you have to work to get it. Why the flying fuck shouldn't they buy themselves a car or go o. Holiday with their OWN money!! I can't understand you begrudging them that.

Get a loan like everyone else and stop whining.

hTh.

Gazelda · 10/02/2018 15:28

"Darling parents. You know how hard I've saved to make this move possible. Unfortunately an unexpected cost has come up, for £1500, which I simply don't have. I hate to ask, but could you loan me this to avoid the chain collapsing and me losing all the fees I've paid to date? I can comfortably afford to pay you back £x every month, so you'll have all your money back in x months. Please"
Surely it's better to give them the whole picture and ask them rather than lose money and be resentful.

Original poster
junpinline · 10/02/2018 15:31

I'm not jealous of my parents; yes they have money but I wouldn't swap my life with theirs.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 15:32

I do actually think whatever conversation you had with them is key to this.

“Mum & Dad, I’ve had a huge bill from the management agents I wasn’t expecting for £1500 and if I don’t pay it I can’t move - the chain will fall through. I can’t borrow it because it will affect the mortgage if I get a loan now. Could you lend it to me and I’ll pay you back £200 per month?”

“No.”

Vs

“Oh I’m so stressed, I’ve had a bill for £1500 from the agency I wasn’t expecting and I don’t know how I’ll afford it.”

“Oh dear - you’ve always been so good at saving I’m sure you’ll manage.”

XmasInTintagel · 10/02/2018 15:37

So you have money put by for the solicitor fees do you Op? With a bit extra for anything unforseen that crops up with them? Or will you need to find more money for that too?
Got money to pay for removals put by too?

XmasInTintagel · 10/02/2018 15:40

my children could have my last penny if they needed it cant understand when parents watch there children struggle
So you'd hand over your last penny, so that you had nothing for food, because your DC wanted to move from one house to somewhere larger? I somehow doubt that...

XmasInTintagel · 10/02/2018 15:44

I've got three words for you... divide and conquer! Work on the most reasonable parent.
What an unpleasant way to behave - I behaved like that, until I realised it was wrong, aged about 6.

Pleasebeafleabite · 10/02/2018 15:49

how can they be so self indulgent whilst their kids struggle

OPs not struggling

She just fancies moving and thinks her parents should help facilitate this as she has costs she hadn’t factored in

TheMathsTrainee · 10/02/2018 15:49

Yanbu OP. Even though it is their 💰 money.

I’ve always believed that family are there to help one another.