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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About parents' money

431 replies

junpinline · 10/02/2018 11:47

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

OP posts:
Original poster
junpinline · 10/02/2018 13:32

As I have said further down the thread:

It's a leasehold property. It's a transfer of deed fee and exit fee from them. I didn't know about it because the vendor paid when I bought the house.

OP posts:
woodhill · 10/02/2018 13:33

Yanbu we don't have lots of money but we are giving dd some help with her house deposit soon

Original poster
junpinline · 10/02/2018 13:33

So if I don't pay the entire chain will fall through.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puglife15 · 10/02/2018 13:34

If you've asked them and made it clear why you need the money I think it's pretty mean not to lend it, yes.

Although I'd be concerned that you don't even have £1.5k spare as a homeowner tbh, what if something goes wrong, your boiler breaks etc? I'd be worried you are overstretched.

Also your mum boasting about what stuff costs is very tacky. Ugh. For that alone she is vvvv U.

Original poster
junpinline · 10/02/2018 13:35

Also I think I said I asked for help but they are not interested.

OP posts:
RealityHasALiberalBias · 10/02/2018 13:35

What would you do if your parents weren’t wealthy? No point moaning about it, there’s bound to be another option.

borderline11 · 10/02/2018 13:36

Well let's hope the Ops parents don't expect anything of her when they're old and in need. After all the Op doesn't have to help.

Honestly what a sad old world it would be if we only did things we had to do.

JaneEyre70 · 10/02/2018 13:37

My DH and I have recently paid off our mortgage with an inheritance - and have been spending the money on renovations, new cars etc. We have money spare to do so, as our children are young adults, working and aren't financially dependant on us anymore.

We wouldn't see our children go without, but equally we've clothed fed and housed them for the last 18 years and now have money to spend on us, which is a wonderful change and something we're greatly enjoying. We also intend to leave our DDs everything we own, so at some point they will all be in the position we are. I can see where you are coming from, but equally see your parents side of it too.

If you have a good relationship with them, I'd sit down and have a chat about how worried you are and if there is any chance of a loan. Then you can repay them, and keep the trust on both sides.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2018 13:37

Is there any chance that your buyer would be willing to split this fee with you rather than have the sale fall through? Although I guess that might still leave you short, but by not quite as much. Then maybe the person you're buying from would be willing to knock £750 from the purchase price. Never hurts to ask. (Not sure how it works in the UK, I'm in the US where buyers and sellers regularly negotiate on who pays what fees and 'jiggle' things around).

Have you asked your parents directly, in no uncertain terms for a loan (with loan agreement) or just hinted at it? You say your parents think you have money 'squirreled away'. Do they say this in a 'deflecting way' to avoid saying yes or no? Have you said "No, I don't. And even if I did I would rather keep my nest egg. I am asking for a loan, not a gift, and will sign a loan agreement. Yes or No?".

I'd definitely back away on any expensive gifts. And if they ask why I'd tell them that you are saving up for that nest egg they are so sure you already have AND that you never want to be in a position of losing a house sale again because 'no one' is willing to help you by lending you money.

Final thought....do you have a credit card you could use to pay the fee. It would suck to have to pay that interest, but I'd do it rather than lose a house sale.

swingofthings · 10/02/2018 13:37

So if it's an emergency, and you can't borrow any more, have you gone to see your parents, explained the situation and asked them if they'd mind lending you the money?

If they said no when they definitely have the money, then yes, I think it would be unkind, but the way you wrote your OP, you seem to expect them to make the move to offer the money for free and then resent them for enjoying their lives.

retirednow · 10/02/2018 13:38

I guess from your replies that you won't be getting any money from them, it's a shame the house move will fall through, I hope you will be able to stay where you are. Unfortunately it is their money so they can spend it how they like and yours is your money so spend that how you like. Would you be better off just staying where you are and having holidays, luxuries yourself. You're lucky to own your own home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 13:40

In answer to your question, yes I have had to pay unexpected costs such as insurance against chancel repair fees and insurance for breaching a covenant as my fence was too high. Never having had a leasehold property, I didn’t know about exit fees. But I can see why you’d be caught by surprise.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/02/2018 13:41

How are fees unexpected? They are well documented

Spartasprout · 10/02/2018 13:42

I don't understand how

management exit fee around £1500

equates to

I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit

Is it £1500 or a rather vague 'few thousand'? If a few thousand is the rest of it legal fees or charges from the leaseholder (which are usually specified on the lease agreement)?

Blackteadrinker77 · 10/02/2018 13:42

Have you actually said I am £1500 short to be able to move, can you help me?

I can't see many parents saying no, I know I'd just gift it to mine.

Your comment about your Mum never working and spending your Dads money is uncalled for in my opinion.

AnnabelleLecter · 10/02/2018 13:44

I think they sound quite selfish. Yes it's their money blah blah, but I will get a lot of pleasure helping DC out with a house deposit in a few years.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 13:44

Can you get a car loan or some such for 1.5k just before the mortgage goes through? Or withdraw the cash on your credit card and balance transfer to a 0% one before the payment is due? You need to do it in such a way that it won’t register with your new mortgage company. I imagine once you have the firm offer, checks will have been done as to your affordability. Speak to your financial advisor, who is arranging your mortgage about ways to raise the capital in a way the mortgage company won’t find out.

Mrsmadevans · 10/02/2018 13:44

I am sorry OP you are not getting very supportive replies imho but that is what MN is like as you know. I have to say that I think if you were my DD I would be very proud of you my dear, hold your head up high you are a credit to yourself.

SantaClauseMightWork · 10/02/2018 13:45

If you need just this amount of money and have bought your first place without their help plus grafted for this one as well, I totally understand your resentment.
I will give them thoughtful but very inexpensive gifts from now. If anyone deserves money here, it is you.

Spartasprout · 10/02/2018 13:47

Everyone seems to be fixated on OP being £1500 short, but she actually said she's 'a few thousand short'.

AmberTopaz · 10/02/2018 13:50

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Obviously they are not obliged to help you, but it’s natural for you to feel resentful in these circumstances.

Personally I would ask them for a loan and tell them that the house purchase may fall through if you can’t raise this money. If they refuse then you will just have to accept it. But definitely no more buying them expensive gifts!

bouncydog · 10/02/2018 13:50

Do you actually know exactly how much "spare money" they have? Do they have adequate pension provisions or are they perhaps keeping money back to ensure they have a good retirement? Have they had to wait to decorate the property until their mortgage was paid off and want to do it now before they retire? Cars on 3 year plans doesn't sound wealthy to me - if they were wealthy surely they would buy them outright. I can understand why you feel resentful, but perhaps they are not as wealthy as they appear to be.

Perhaps your sisters have asked and been told no so they don't feel they should treat you differently. On the other hand they could just feel they will enjoy their money and their children will have what's left when they die.

I would put it behind me and try to come up with a plan to raise the additional funds. Could you have a clear out - ebay/car boot? Take a part time job for a few weeks? Ask your bank to give you an overdraft and have a formulated plan to pay it back?

Try not to be resentful as it will end up making you unhappy.

XmasInTintagel · 10/02/2018 13:51

You can't afford this new house, you don't have the money, and have no reserves at all. You didn't do your research on what it will cost with these fees, and its quite possible therefore that all sorts of bills in a larger property will surprise you.
Ambition is good, but living beyond your means and being annoyed that your parents won't sort it all out, is not being a credit to them or yourself.

Continue to live somewhere you can afford, and only move when you have saved enough for a deposit, plus all the expenses, plus unforeseen costs (which the exit fee is not).

calzone · 10/02/2018 13:51

They sound mean OP but you aren’t entitled to it so you can’t complain but I understand why you are upset.