Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About parents' money

431 replies

junpinline · 10/02/2018 11:47

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 10/02/2018 12:33

I think your DM's flaunting of her spending is thoughtless. In your DM's place I would take delight in helping out my DCs.

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offthebandwagonagain · 10/02/2018 12:36

It would p!ss me off too tbh

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 12:37

Winebottle
I do agree with the “you’re on your own” attitude hurting very much because it mirrors a childhood of being on your own.

BewareOfDragons · 10/02/2018 12:38

Honestly?

I don't understand parents who treat their children like this.

Don't buy them any more presents. They don't need them. A card will suffice.

swingofthings · 10/02/2018 12:41

I’ve never understood parents who don’t want to help their (adult) children out if they can afford to do so.
Where does it starts and end though. OP clearly didn't budget properly if she is short of the deposit. So they give her the difference, and then OP gets an expensive car and can't afford all the repayments, so expects her parents to help, then she gets married and expect them to pay for the wedding, then she has a baby, can't afford a holiday, so expect her parents to pay for the holiday etc...

Taylor22 · 10/02/2018 12:41

YABU. And if you don't think it's equally your mothers money then it certainly isn't yours.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/02/2018 12:41

Don't buy them expensive gifts if you resent them that much.

You don't need to sell your house, you just want a new one. As an adult it's upto you to fund it.

I would help my children if they needed it however if they expected it like you do I certainly wouldn't. I dislike entitled behaviour.

foodiefil · 10/02/2018 12:43

They do sound selfish. You should want to help your children. Try not to resent them though, it will only fester away and eat you up. You don't want that

Chathamhouserules · 10/02/2018 12:43

what the actual bleep why are you saying she shouldn't ask for a loan when that's what you did??

Most people are saying it's a bit mean of your parents not to help you a bit and i agree. My parents have given me a few £k over the years when they have been able to and I'm incredibly grateful and would like to do the same for mine.
My in laws have much more and never give us any. Fair enough. But it's not particularly kind hearted.

PlanNumber · 10/02/2018 12:45

Swingofthings. My parents would think they were helping my making sure that situation didn't arise and I agree with them.

They are very supportive in any number of ways but they do expect me (and taught me to) live within my means. Which is fine and as it should be IMO.

BlindLemonAlley · 10/02/2018 12:46

YANBU although the mantra on MN seems to be that no one should ever rely on family for help, especially when it comes to money.

Could it be that they have no understanding of what it is actually like to be short of money? I have PIL that live in a bubble of wealth and assume that everyone lives like this. They really have no concept of what it’s like. MIL is still traumatised that the one year soon after they got married that they could only afford to go abroad once and they didn’t even have a Fortnum & Mason hamper at Christmas 🙄

They are incredibly tight fisted whereas my DPs are no where near as wealthy and they have always helped without asking at times when they knew we would be financially stressed.

ShellyBoobs · 10/02/2018 12:49

YABVU. It’s their money, not yours!

Christ. You sound like a grabby, bitter child.

retirednow · 10/02/2018 12:51

Have you asked your dad if he will lend you the money, I would lend money or give some to my family if I could afford to, I know it's their money but 1.5k isn't really very much. I'd stop with the presents, and as other posters say, dont feel bitter.

Needsleepnow87 · 10/02/2018 12:53

Did you ask for a loan or just for them to give you it?

Maybe they want you to learn to budget your money yourself so don’t just want to give you hand-outs?

I would expect them to loan me the money though.

borderline11 · 10/02/2018 12:53

Yanbu, can't stand tight people. i know they aren't obliged to but ffs, how can they be so self indulgent whilst their kids struggle. I've got grown up kids and if i can help them in any way i will do so. I can't see my kids struggle when i can see that they're trying hard, and i am in a position to help. It's what parents do, or should do imo.

swingofthings · 10/02/2018 12:54

PlanNumber, exactly my point. OP says she is expecting help because she is short on her deposit for her new house, a house she is buying only two years after buying her current one. That too me is living above your means.

There's a big difference between not supporting your kids through the luxurious choices they make and not supporting them when in real needs. In the case of OP, I wouldn't help my kids either, however, if either my kids ended up in a real financial mess through no fault of theirs, then they wouldn't have to ask me for help, I'll be there right away to support them.

Rachie1973 · 10/02/2018 12:54

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

Yes.

Chewbecca · 10/02/2018 12:55

Are you moving to a more expensive home? If so, it would probably appear to your parents that you are doing fine without their help. The unexpected fee would sound like a groan rather than a genuine request for help.

We are much wealthier than our children, it is inevitable, they are just starting their careers, we are far into ours. We were just as poor, if not poorer when we were in our twenties. This is not a good reason for parents to give £ to their children IMO.

However, we have given money to children in their 20s, but rarely and at times when they really needed it, they were not over stretching themselves and had done their best to plan for and save everything they could, and we really supported the purchases.

M00nUnit · 10/02/2018 12:57

YANBU, I find it a bit odd that they haven't offered to help you.

italiancortado · 10/02/2018 12:58

how can they be so self indulgent whilst their kids struggle

By struggle you mean choosing to hug a new house Confused

Perhaps the parents just don't want to facilitate the unnecessary.

If however the OP were genuinely struggling, the maybe they would step in.

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 12:59

I do t think the OP is going to clarify if they’ve actually asked for a specific amount as a loan.

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 12:59

do t = don’t

Bouledeneige · 10/02/2018 13:00

Yes its understandably difficult for you. I can sympathise to some extent. At the same time they may feel that they have worked very hard all their lives, struggling as you now feel you are, and that they deserve to enjoy their prosperity and spending now. And maybe if they felt that they had to treat all children the same (if you have siblings) they would actually end up distributing quite a bit of money. Plus of course, there's no way of knowing what future needs they might have for social care which they will have to finance themselves. And maybe when you get to their age you will feel that whatever money you then have you will have some right to enjoy.

However in my life I have never had any financial assistance from my parents whatsoever except for the money many years ago for a dishwasher (they treated by sisters and brother exactly the same). I am proud of the fact that as a single parent the car, the house, the holidays I have are all mine because of my own hard work. I suspect that I might be a little over generous with my kids, but I do hope they will learn the same independence, work ethic and motivation as I have. I would like to help them but not too much as I think being independent and standing on your own two feet is incredibly important. So maybe thats where your parents are at now.

Don't let it bug you. They presumably gave you a good start in life and parenting is a very unselfish act of love.

Mrsmadevans · 10/02/2018 13:00

I think you should ask them outright

Swipe left for the next trending thread