About parents' money

[junpinline]

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

Dont forgwt there are plenty of women who do work hard bringing up families AND do a full week's work too and yet struggle due to childcare etc.

My family are very happy for me to get universal credit so they dont have to help as much.

It seems very mean of them. I couldn’t imagine being like that with family.

The parents clearly go on the ladder when housing was cheap though.

It's totally different now.

I think some oarents do have the 'well we had it tough ' argument.....so youmust gave it tough too as it's character building/life. Odd.

I think many parents want to see their parents happy.

*Dont forgwt there are plenty of women who do work hard bringing up families AND do a full week's work too and yet struggle due to childcare etc.

My family are very happy for me to get universal credit so they dont have to help as much*

Mmm, nothing to do with you quitting a decent job as it was too much work and spending an inheritance then wanting them to give you a house deposit??

Slightly misleading post.

Most dps in their position would have helped. This is obviously their strongly held view, so not likely to change. As for presents though, set your own budget. I think they seem overly materialistic, but they may have reasons I guess.

No...i quit a job that made me have a breakdown. I love to work hard...i do teach again now (amongst other jobs) but i dont think someone who is mentally ill can do ft and bring home much bacon anyway.

I didnt want them to give me a whole deposit either...i wanted them to boist my inheritance by lending me a couple of grand instead of putting it away for me and dishing it out in small amounts( messed up and another thread.)

They said to me at the time 'noone can afford houses nowadays anyway.'

Of course now they say....there are more home owners than ever before....changed their tune now.

God this thread has really made me think.

I wonder if one day our DC will look at DH and I like this.

We have given them everything we have over the last 20 odd years, literally everything and have encouraged and indulged every hobby and whim. They have been/will be fully supported through university.

We have also worked hard and are expecting decent pensions with good lump sums within the next few years.

Our plan was to sell our current home, put the proceeds from that to our pensions and buy a smallholding in a rural area possibly near the sea. That has always been our dream.

We envisaged them coming to stay with possible future grandchildren for long summer holidays and wanted somewhere big enough to enable all of us to get together for big family meet ups.

The DC are aware of this plan and tell us its a good idea.

Are we meant to downsize and buy them each a house instead? We could actually do that but where is the satisfaction in making your own way in the world if everything is just given to you? I grew up in a council house and am proud of where I came from and where I have got to.

Serin, yes apparently otherwise you will be deemed unkind, unsupported etc.

However it sounds like you've brought your chidren up to understand that they are adults and need to make their own way in life rather than expect others to fund it.

Has anyone suggested parents should buy them a house? I thought we were talking about helping out.

Yes, I guess you are right grannytomine.
There is a world between buying them houses and "helping out"
Sorry for the thread highjack.
Just very thought provoking.

Serin of course not and in my case I just cashed in my pensions at 55 for all kinds of reasons (money went to HMRC - I hope the state is grateful and the older children for housing) because I work for myself so won't have a conventional retirement anyway.

In the case here she already owns one property and is moving up the ladder. I see no moral case for helping out with that at all. She should just save up more. If I were her mother I would offer her the chance to work a day a week for me to earn extra money for example if that would help make up the difference or let her move home for 6 months and let her current place and save the rent towards the sum needed but not shell out money for her next property.

In other words I like to give children a start - university, first property help but after that they need to make their own way. Of course there is no right or wrong view on this - people differ.

Sigh - someone else who is hard of reading.... The OP already said that she has moved to a different town, which is a more expensive area (perhaps for work?). So not necessarily 'moving up the ladder' at all. And she has saved an awful lot, and is still only in her twenties. I think she has done really well. She states that she has already been renting out the property, but consent to let has run out.

This is an unexpected fee that has come up, and without the £1,500 the whole chain will fall through. If the OP takes out a loan for the amount, or puts it on her credit card, that will probably affect the mortgage amount she can borrow. So she is a bit stuck.

If the parents are in such a fortunate financial position, then, yes, they are being incredibly mean to not even offer to loan her the money. Family help each other, if they can afford to. They can.

She doesn't sound ANYTHING like your DD, Stilton, if you'd read all her threads! Fuck me, talk about projection.

@junpin - looks like you might have to take out a short term loan from somewhere - can you do that? Do you have security for that?

Correct, OP sounds nothing like your DD Stilton.

FFS, all the illiterate twerps are coming out of the woodwork.

Of course the OP doesn't sound like your daughter Stilton. She works and she's not asking for a full deposit.

I'm still wondering whether the OP's parents know how much the OP resents how they spend their money/ how her mum doesn't work.

I entirely accept that my DD is much more grabby than OP and that there is a degree of projection. The background is somewhat different.

The similarities are in relation to OP's attitude of entitlement and resentment of her DP's lifestyle.

@StiltonSupreme
You are projecting in an alarming way. Op works full time. She has saved a massive amount of money by living frugally. She needs a £1.5k unexpected shortfall.

Please explain what parallels you see between a hard working young woman and the waste of space daughter you spawned? Her parents may well see her in a similar way to the one you see your daughter. But that is because they are wearing shit tinted lenses.

This op has made me think too. We had two professional jobs and had a pretty comfortable life. Dh had to retire early due to illness. We are selling our home soon and downsizing. We paid for private school and for all our dc to get through college although they all had part time jobs.
As college is over now we are starting to have more holidays. We always had one now will have 2 even 3. I would hate my dc to resent this. My dps brought me up to be independent and all my siblings are well able to take care of themselves. Dhs family got handouts and loans from their dps and it has caused family bitterness and what l see in some siblings as greed and entitlement and ungratefulness.
Stand on your own two feet and you will be far better off. You may get an inheritance later and really appreciate it after all your hard work. My dc will . But for now l will holiday while they work hard to get on as l believe that is part of their training for life.
My family were very generous in their care for my elderly parents and bore no resentment for not getting money along the way. My dhs family, on the other hand were watching each other making sure they didn't get caught out doing extra after all their parents generous handouts and no interest loans.
Comparing the 2 situations l am thinking handouts can be babying your dc and hindering their growth to independence. So far my dc haven't complained. To me anyway!!

Stiltons situation is different but it's the similarities in attitude that she's talking about. The OP has mentioned her parents holidays, new car, fancy clothes, going out etc..the implication being that they should not spend on some of those things to give money to her instead.

Harvey
Ops parents appear to be demeaning and ridiculing her. Whereas Stiltons children are doing the demeaning. Therefore although superficially the situation may seem the same, I think it is the opposite.

I see op as contextualising the situation and explaining her parents are bragging and rubbing her nose in it whilst telling her she won’t see a penny of it because she’s comfortably off herself. Her parents doing this is a power play. It isn’t nice to laugh at your children.

She said I will be loaded once she dies.

I don't understand this mentality. Lots of parents say this to their kids (there was one on here recently and it stuck with me). What use is a fortune in years to come? So many young people need help NOW, to buy a house, nursery fees for their DC, etc. Come on you rich (by comparison) Baby Boomers - help the fuck out! They're your family!

The amount the OP would like her parents to help her with whether by gift or loan is very small compared to the luxuries which her DM is rubbing the OP's nose in. Yet they aren't prepared to help out.

In this situation I think I would have to step back from parents. I would find myself unavailable for chats with mum about her latest purchases.

A few posters have gone on about how much they have done for their DCs for their first 20 years. But that is just being a parent. You chose how you wanted to raise your DCs. I don't see that the DCs should have to be grateful for the choices you made during their childhood.