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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
Aridane · 10/02/2018 18:32

You clearly don’t like her and we’re unb Rude.

Maybe I could have handled it slightly better.

Yes indeed

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 11/02/2018 17:29

I don’t think you were rude and wish I had the guts to say this to many people to their face.
If you’re going to air your business in public then expect to get an opinion

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 11/02/2018 17:29

Probably would come better from her own mum rather than an acquaintance. However she made the mistake of bringing the topic up too many times. I can understand why you said it.

TrickyD · 11/02/2018 17:34

There must be a lot of selfish fag smoking boozers on here judging by many of the responses. Of course you were right and brave to say what you did.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 11/02/2018 17:36

People whose lifestyle you don’t agree with are best avoided I find. I knew someone who prioritised herself over her child constantly. It was so sad to watch. I had to avoid her in the end. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything as knew she wouldn’t listen. She basically dumped her child at every opportunity in addition to having them do so many activities it was ridiculous. 2 an evening quite often so the child wouldn’t be home til 8 most days they barely saw the mum and they only had them once every second week and you could tell she was waiting to get rid of them so she could get on with what she wanted to do.

ginplease8383 · 11/02/2018 17:39

Good for you OP hopefully she had a good long look at herself. Yes the kids should come first!

Dianag111 · 11/02/2018 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bramble71 · 11/02/2018 17:42

You were more than unreasonable. You were downright rude. This is a time when your opinions should be kept to yourself.

Smoking and drinking are addictions and I can only admire people that manage to give up. It can't be easy. And who are we to tell others how to spend their money. You probably buy things she doesn't.

Gottagetmoving · 11/02/2018 17:51

If you knew her kids were suffering and hardly neglected then yes, say something...but just because she has arranged for some cheap cigs from abroad and likes a drink doesn't mean her kids are being neglected. You were rude.

Gottagetmoving · 11/02/2018 17:51

Badly...not hardly...

AL75 · 11/02/2018 17:51

You weren't rude at all. It needed to be said. It's just that some people are so selfish they want to deny they are in the wrong.

Rabblemum · 11/02/2018 17:52

People need to be more honest with each other, I think you’re refreshing. My ex was a drug addict and fantastically selfish, when we spiltbup I had to leave my job and we had more money with me on income support than when I was working full time, that’s how much money he was spending on himself, it’s common and disgusting. Fags are hard to give up but the booze is disgraceful, kids come first. Addicts are often blind to their behaviour and very self centred, you may have helped her see just because fags and booze are legal doesn’t mean these kids aren’t victims of an addict.

Rabblemum · 11/02/2018 17:53

If she’s addicted to fags and booze she should give up, you’d have a very different attitude if she was spending her money on Crack but the results are the same.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/02/2018 17:54

The mutual agreement is she won’t complain about her money issues whilst in my company and I won’t speak out of line again. I’m not a bully.

So basically she has to not complain about money ever again in any context, even if the company your are in are discussing money? If she does you want need to keep your side of the bargain and will embarrass and humiliate her again? So you get to control what she is allowed to say. Yep, not bullying at all.

marymoosmum · 11/02/2018 18:04

YANBU I totally agree with you. I hate it when people have money for fags and booze, but no money for their kids. I am an ex smoker and I don't drink, my money goes on feeding and clothing my children, swimming classes and dance classes for my DD (my son is only 5 months) and making memories (days out and holidays).

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2018 18:17

Well totally, WeAll unless she wants pulling up again. Tbf op, I just would avoid being round her.

Xenadog · 11/02/2018 18:20

As a child of a father who put his beer and fags before the needs of his kids all I can say is good for you. If you choose to put your own selfish wants before the needs of your children you don’t deserve to have them.
So what if you were rude, OP? Maybe it will make this woman think about her priorities?

HeavyLoad · 11/02/2018 18:21

YANBU I would have said something and prob not politely. Your children should always come first.

BewareOfDragons · 11/02/2018 18:22

I'm amazed at the people who think OP shouldn't have said anything. Her 'friend' invited the criticism.

Frankly, I think society's failure overall to not point out the crappy parenting that seems to have risen dramatically over the past couple of decades has made it seem like it's ok, and people are now deemed 'judgmental' for pointing it out. It's not ok to let your children go without necessities while you have all your extra treats and holidays and it needs to be pointed out so people stop normalizing such selfish, crappy behaviour when they have chidlren.

lionlaw · 11/02/2018 18:24

Would OP and other people be so judgemental if she was ordering an avocado and quinoa salad and also saying she couldn't afford something for the kids???

Esspee · 11/02/2018 18:24

IT would be nice to think that selfish mothers/fathers who put alcohol and/or cigarettes before the needs of their children might realise how selfish they are being but frankly I feel that these people are beyond reasoning with.
Well done you for being truthful OP.

Lweji · 11/02/2018 18:27

Would OP and other people be so judgemental if she was ordering an avocado and quinoa salad and also saying she couldn't afford something for the kids???

Grin at the apparently clever idea behind this, but yes, unless they lived in a country where avocados and quinoa are cheap.

Esspee · 11/02/2018 18:29

Lionlaw,, I can't speak for OP but I would have no hesitation in calling out anyone who neglected their children's needs.

GraceHelen · 11/02/2018 18:36

Oh OP I like you more the more I read! Yanbu. She is. Why have children if you don't put their needs first. Not their wants their needs!! I think you're right to want to back away from meetings with her, why put up with all that BS when you're just trying to enjoy a quiet catch up with friends!

HazelBite · 11/02/2018 18:49

The Op has been incredibly brave, its the sort of thing that has been on the tip of my tongue to say so many times, but I've never had the guts to do.