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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
AgnesNitt1976 · 11/02/2018 18:57

The OP was right to say what she said, could have been delivered differently but too late now.

I have know several people over the years that have been selfish and considered cigarettes, booze and going out etc more important than meeting their children's basic needs.

caringcarer · 11/02/2018 19:00

I just about bit my tongue in similar situation. In park a young Mum was showing her friend her new tatoo and then told her friend she was now broke and laughed and said her dc would be feeding off toast for a few days until she got paid again but that she was saving up for another one. I gave her a look but bit my tongue as was unsure if she was exaggerating for her friend.

KendalMintCakey · 11/02/2018 19:01

OP you just don't like her do u?

teal125 · 11/02/2018 19:08

You sound incredibly opinionated and judgemental, I would avoid having contact with someone like you.

Gatecrasher61 · 11/02/2018 19:10

Thank you so much for being brave and speaking your mind. I spent two years, nearly biting my tongue in half, working with a single mum who did nothing but moan how hard up she was. Yet she was the only one in the office who bought a sandwich where the rest of us made our own at home. She also was a regular in the local pub and would down a couple of pints most days.

I so wanted to speak my mind, but as her boss, she probably would have reported me for bullying.

I think more people should speak out.

sima74 · 11/02/2018 19:14

You were 100% right, I’ve always wanted to say this to certain people but never had courage to speak up- I’m glad you did

Mulch · 11/02/2018 19:15

Op I wish I could be as blunt as you op. Hate people who please poverty but have such expensive vices

MiaowTheCat · 11/02/2018 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 11/02/2018 19:18

I think as she moaning about Not being able to afford shoes first Yanbu.

Twillow · 11/02/2018 19:30

Good for you. I hope she had a good long think about it.

Faith7777 · 11/02/2018 19:30

You did the right thing!! Hi-five from me OP!! Shame on her for moaning in the first place.

Cantusethatname · 11/02/2018 19:33

I would have thought it, bitched to others about it, but not had the guts to say it. You may be rude but you're a better woman than me.

AnneElliott · 11/02/2018 19:37

If she's moaning about it, then I don't see the issue with you giving your opinion op. Different I think if she hadn't mentioned it (but you knew from someone else iyswim?)

greathat · 11/02/2018 19:40

you were right, maybe she'll prioritise a but better next time :)

SirGawain · 11/02/2018 19:46

What she does with her money is none of your business.
Of course it's her choice but if she complains that she can't afford things she should not then the people that she has momey for non-essentials.
Of course smoking is hard to give up thats why one should never start I learned that fifty years ago.

mommybunny · 11/02/2018 19:47

It was clear from the OP, even before it was said in a later post, that the "friend" had form for moaning about her financial situation and the OP just snapped from being tired of hearing about it.

I'm another one who admires your bravery OP - I'd never have the guts to have said something I definitely would have thought. The friend left herself open to criticism from her moaning - it was a slap in the face that let's hope has had a good effect.

SirGawain · 11/02/2018 19:47

Then tell people.

HamishBamish · 11/02/2018 20:18

Yanbu op. She sounds like she needed someone to spell it out for her. If you have kids it’s your job to provide for them. If that means you can’t afford luxuries then do be it. For most parents it goes without saying. For your friend she needed to be told.

yerbutnobut · 11/02/2018 20:19

Whilst it probably wasn't your place to say this I am with you on this one OP. I have had similar in the past to the point where said person has asked me for money to food in their DCs bellies, but was then purchasing cigs so a well placed raise of the eyebrows on my part did the job.

StealthPolarBear · 11/02/2018 20:20

You are right but the dad is presumably also jot buying the shoes. I assume he is being judged as harshly?

"
But then, I used to look at all the mothers of the FSM kids at the school gates with their nails, hair extensions, fake bake, false lashes, fake designer gear from down the market, and think "priorities". I'm far more judgemental on that type of expenditure."
Wow you really hate women don't you?

LordBuckley · 11/02/2018 20:24

I really don't know anybody who puts fags and booze before their children's welfare irl.

Lots of men certainly do, especially those who fail to pay for their children's support.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 11/02/2018 20:55

Adults putting a child's needs behind their own happens every day, you'd have to be pretty sheltered to not know that. Sometimes it's not even deliberate. They really don't see the connection. Ok would have made the woman feel like crap but it might sink in.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 11/02/2018 21:08

Can I just clarify again.... I’m not usually blunt, majority of the time I’m usually the listener. Pretty much bit my tongue most of the time... I’m not sure what came over me. Yeah I’m judgemental but I usually keep my judgements to myself for the sake of avoiding confrontation. I’ve decided to keep my distance. I’m totally aware of addictions. Both of my grandparents (my fathers parents) were both alcoholics and my father is all too aware of parents putting a bottle of whiskey above his needs. So much so that a total wedge was driven between him and his siblings. I just don’t see why people get to complain about it when they can make the change. I most likely wouldn’t have said anything if she’s only moaned about it several times but it’s been an ongoing occurrence.
It’s okay, I’m pretty sure some of those saying I was out of order are probably doing the same. At least I can sleep at night knowing my children’s needs are more important than a bottle or a smoke 👍

OP posts:
InProgress · 11/02/2018 21:11

There's a distinct lack of fathers being mentioned on this thread. Where are they in all this?

Gottagetmoving · 11/02/2018 21:21

It’s okay, I’m pretty sure some of those saying I was out of order are probably doing the same. At least I can sleep at night knowing my children’s needs are more important than a bottle or a smoke

Oooh....You just can't help yourself can you? Hmm