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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
malterbitty · 10/02/2018 15:55

100% right, but that person may not talk to you anymore.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 15:57

She said she has not get any money for school shoes, not that they are too expensive🙄🙄

Jux · 10/02/2018 16:02

OK, you really are drip feeding now. Stop. Give all relevant material in one go - you are pissed off with her because she smokes, drinks and smokes weed. What else does she do that you don't like? Cadging, you clearly don't like that; whining, you don't like that either; what else? Does she dump her children on people without notice and for reasons you disapprove of?

You are judgemental. You don't like her. You saw an opportunity to speak your mind and did it. OK.

On most of that I agree with you, but you were rude and no matter how you try to dress it up, you can't change that.

user1497357411 · 10/02/2018 16:29

But the point is people who neglect their kids NEED someone to be rude enough to tell them. And for those who wrote OP was bullying: I am wondering what selfish things you have done to hurt your kids if you define that as bullying.

iBiscuit · 10/02/2018 16:39

We do not know that this child does not have decent school shoes, and will not have by the end of half term.

Op portrays this woman as a hanger-on. She clearly thinks this woman is beneath her, and she shamed her in front of her supposed friends. That is bullying.

If she had genuine concerns, she could have had a quiet word. Instead she humiliated her, and then came on here so Mumsnet could congratulate her on her superior parenting, morals and financial management skills.

GoatPavlova · 10/02/2018 16:43

I think you had a fair point. People sometimes don’t like the truth but truth it was.

PurpleRobe · 10/02/2018 16:47

I've always wondered if people keep having kids that they can't afford ... who actually enjoys life???

The childfree
(or extremely rich people) I guess

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 16:52

Bullying please, give over and save your sympathy for a child who won't get school shoes as her mums pissed the money up the wall. When you say what she did, than you invite criticism. Like relationships, not all people are your type, it is fine to get on with some and not others. Tbf, this woman would not be my type either.

Turquoisetamborine · 10/02/2018 16:54

The older I get the more I just say things so I would have probably said the same thing.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 16:55

iBiscuit, there are posters on here who went without as their parents wasted money on luxuries, rather than buy them what they needed. They wished people spoke up about it. Her kids obviously need new school shoes, or she would not have mentioned it. Bloody hell, use that money that you were going to pay your friend for those items, and buy your kids some new shoes, from wherever, Tesco, Amazon, Shoezone.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 16:57

This woman is a grown adult who can make choices, her kids cannot. Yes op is drip feeding, she should have mentioned everything in her op, but I agree with her, if you keep seeing someone do the same thing over and over, eventually you will have to say something, and op did. Hopefully she's made the woman think hard about her priorities.

Notasunnybunny · 10/02/2018 17:04

Good for you op. Maybe if there was a bit less politeness and a bit more social stigma surrounding this type of thing a few less kids would be living in poverty. I have every compassion for those facing hard times and am very willing to volunteer/ donate at food banks etc but when ‘hard times’ is actually overspending on luxuries and poor budgeting I find my charitable side challenged.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 17:04

Yes I am drip feeding because if I mentioned everything in one go people would be bored reading after the first 5 minutes. Just an update... I did text her to say I could have handled the situation better. I didn’t say sorry for what I said because quite frankly I stand by that. She has since text back to tell me that although she was upset and it is non of my business that she will not discuss this sort of thing when I’m with her. We seemed to have met a mutual agreement....

OP posts:
iBiscuit · 10/02/2018 17:05

There are ways of speaking out Aero that don't seek to marginalise and humiliate others.

GnotherGnu · 10/02/2018 17:06

What she does with her money is none of your business

Clearly not true. OP's friend made it OP's business by moaning about how she couldn't afford to buy children's shoes whilst celebrating her purchase of booze and cigarettes.

Notasunnybunny · 10/02/2018 17:12

Also- the welfare of children is everyone’s business. There will be countless children out there right now who are desperate for someone to poke their nose in

Nanna50 · 10/02/2018 17:13

I hate drip feeds... is the mutual agreement that you will also not to talk about things that she doesn't agree with ... otherwise how is it mutual? Or have you just bullied her into silence by being rude and following it up with a non apologetic text, reminding her you meant what you said?

Tell me OP how could you have handled it better?

NordicNobody · 10/02/2018 17:20

I don't think you were unreasonable. Stuff like this winds me up. It's not just parents though, lots of people have their priorities backwards at someone else's expense. My tenant recently told me she couldn't afford her rent this month and begged to be allowed to pay in instalments later when she'd picked up more shifts. I took pity and agreed, only to see posts all over fb the next day of her out at an expensive cocktail bar and more pics of the brand new flat screen tv she just bought. Some people just think about themselves and what they want and everyone else just has to lump it apparently.

Wauden · 10/02/2018 17:23

I don't think you were rude.
Good for you.
People should never smoke around kids.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 17:25

@nanna50 I could have handled it better by maybe not saying anything at all let alone in front of others. The mutual agreement is she won’t complain about her money issues whilst in my company and I won’t speak out of line again. I’m not a bully. I just don’t see why I should sit thier and listen to her banging on about how her kids can’t have this and that yet she still drinks, smokes and uses weed. I totally apprechiate people fall on hard times....that is not hard times when you can do something to change. Then again you can’t help people you won’t help themselves. I think I may try to avoid her in future and I’ve told my other 2 friends so.

OP posts:
Ivymaud · 10/02/2018 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 17:36

I would avoid her tbh as well.

Springiscoming123 · 10/02/2018 17:55

good for you op.pity more people dont pull others on it,im sick of people pleading poverty and the kids looking scruffy (school item avaliable from Asda so no special uniform) with grey/to small polo shirts etc

moaning that a trip to the national history museum £15 is to expensive and it should be free Shock 250 miles round trip,the mother had just had her eyebrows tattoo or bladed whatever its called and sure she paid £150+

funny how the manage the false eyelashes,nails etc

i keep my distance now as cant bare her moaning

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 18:12

I’m not a perfect mum, and I don’t pretend to be but if the needs of my DC means I have to give up a few things then I will give them up in a heartbeat. Kids do remember, as a few posters have mentioned. I had a pretty good childhood, had everything I needed, love, support. (Apart from my mums lack of fashion sense in the clothes she dressed me in) I remember everything. It makes me mad that some kids will remember that thier Mum was more interested in what club she was hitting at the weekend rather than buying them clothes that didn’t hang at thier ankles and have holes in.

OP posts:
Ivymaud · 10/02/2018 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.